Monday, December 29, 2008
Dating after a divorce can be an exciting time. With your divorce finally behind you, you look forward to meeting someone new. But when you or your new love have children, complications can soon set it.
It would be great if life were like the Brady Bunch and your kids and his kids all got along, but in reality, many children feel resentful and upset when their parents date. Expecting them to accept your new mate's children can be difficult as well.
A friend of mine has three children and her ex-husband recently remarried and had a baby. His wife has 4 children from a previous marriage. Her kids are overwhelmed and confused when visiting dad and his new, large, instant family. They complain that they no longer get any alone time with their dad and visits are chaotic are less frequent.
Blending families successfully is a huge challenge. If your kids do not like your boyfriend or his kids do not like you, it can put a huge strain on your relationship. Here a three ways to minimize the trauma to your kids and help them accept your new love and his children:
1. Take it slow. Do not introduce your kids to his kids to quickly. Give your kids time to get to know your new boyfriend first.
2. Keep visits with your boyfriend's kids short and infrequent in the beginning. Do not overwhelm your children by forcing them to spend time with your boyfriend's family. Give them time to develop their own relationship with his kids.
3. Make sure to spend plenty of time with your kids. It is easy to become distracted with your new love and want to be with him all of the time. However if you have children, they will become resentful. They crave your attention and need to feel secure.
A divorce is difficult enough on a child. You can only imagine how confusing it must be for a child to see his parents dating new people and then having to share his parents with other children who are not his siblings. The key is to take it slow and give your children time to accept your new relationship. With time, extra attention and patience, most children will eventually come around.
Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
How to Get a Deadbeat to Pay Child Support
If you are a single parent and your ex refuses to pay child support, you may be at your wit's end trying to collect the child support owed your children. It is a frustrating, long process if you are dealing with a deadbeat who works off the books, hides money or moves from state to state.
The child support enforcement agencies can only do so much and they are overloaded with cases. Private investigators are expensive and you may feel like you have reached a dead end.
I recently found a website that may help you in tracking down your ex and finding the evidence you need to collect the back support owed. EmailRevealer.com has a few services that are affordable and can give you the proof you need to bring your ex back into family court. Here are a few of the services that can help:
1. A background check. For $99.00 they will give you, addresses (10 Years),a list of relatives ,assets ,judgments, liens lawsuits, bankruptcies and UCC filings
2. Locating a current employer. The price for this service is not listed on the site. If you provide a social security number, address and name, they can find the current employer your ex is working for.
3. Asset Search. This one is pricey at $399.00 but you will get a complete list of your ex's assets including:
Investments: Stocks / Bonds / Mutual Funds
Bank Accounts: Checking and Savings
Remember, you must be persistent. That may mean calling your case worker every few days so that your case dos not get lost in the shuffle. The state agencies can also do searches for bank accounts and employers for you for free, but they are slow and it can take a considerable amount of time to get results.
Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...
Friday, December 26, 2008
When Children of Divorce Take Sides....
It is a well known fact that divorce not only hurts children, it can also sever relationships between parents and grown children. When a teenager or adult child decides to side with one parent during the divorce, it can damage the parent-child relationship forever.
My own 22 year old daughter has not spoken to her father in almost 5 years. Because of my ex's actions and behaviors during our divorce, she chooses not to have him in her life. I have encouraged her to try and forgive her father, but she is not ready to make amends. She feels that until he expresses true remorse over his behavior during the divorce and stops placing blame on others, she does not want a relationship with him.
Of course it makes me feel horrible that my ex and her father, who were once very close do not have a father-daughter relationship anymore. But what drove my daughter to cut off ties with her dad were some horrible comments he made during the divorce about her grandfather who then passed away months later. At her age, I must respect her decision to not speak to her father, but it is still makes me sad to hear my ex tell people he has 3 children when he has 4 and I feel bad that my daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle someday. Maybe they will eventually reconcile, but until then there is little I can do to help repair their relationship.
I think divorcing couples need to be careful about confiding in teenage or adult children during a divorce. You may have the best intentions and want to be honest with your adult child about the divorce, but letting adult children in on the ugly details of the divorce can backfire and cause the child to take sides. It is bad enough that friends and family often take sides, but when a child chooses end a relationship with a parent because of a divorce, it can be devastating.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
5 Divorce Dirty Tactics You Need to Know About.....
Unfortunately, many divorces turn ugly and it is usually due to one partner resorting to dirty divorce tactics. The spouse who decides to implement these tactics feels desperate and out of control and will do anything to hurt his or her spouse. You need to be aware of these dirty divorce tactics so that you can protect yourself during your divorce. Warning: If you are someone who thinks that using any of these tactics will help you in your divorce, think again. These tactics always backfire. The courts are well aware of them and if you use any of these against your spouse, you will be the one who pays for it in the end.
Here they are:
1. Filing a phony restraining order. This is also know as an order of protection. Your ex decides that he wants you out of the house so he makes up false allegations of abuse. This is also done to get custody of the children.
2. Fling for sole custody of the children. A spouse who files for custody when he or she knows that the other parent has been the primary caregiver and the children are being well care for does this for several reasons. It is the ultimate way to hurt the other spouse and extract revenge. It is also done as a ploy to avoid paying child support.
3. Claiming to be disabled. This tactic is used to reduce alimony and child support payments. A spouse will suddenly come down with a disability and claim he or she can no longer earn the amount of money they have been earning throughout the marriage.
4. Selling and hiding assets. Hiding money in bank accounts that are out of state or in another country or selling assets to friends or family members for a fraction of their value on paper and then pocketing the cash are some examples of devious divorce tactics a divorcing person may use.
5. Refusing to mediate or settle the divorce. A person who does this wants their spouse to suffer and does not care how much money is spent in attorney fees. They are so hurt and full of rage that by prolonging the divorce, they feel they have some sort of control.
Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Listen below to the interview I did with Rhonda Ryder, Founder of Kid Awakening and the creator of "Inspired Parenting", her interviews with 3 teachers from the movie "The Secret", Dr. Joe Vitale, Mike Dooley and Dr. John Demartini. I asked Rhonda how we can use the law of attraction to help our children cope with divorce. Click here to get her free e-book, “The 7 Secrets to Sharing The Law of Attraction With Kids and Teens”
Sunday, December 07, 2008
What You Can Expect When Going to Family Court...
If you have never been to family court before and you have court date coming up for you divorce, there are a few things you need to know. Spending time at family court can be quite a shock. Here are 5 things to expect so that you can prepare yourself:
1. It will take all day long. Even though your case is scheduled for 9:00 am, be prepared to spend the entire day waiting. Family courts are overbooked and it is quite common to be there all day. Bring reading materials to keep your occupied. The court breaks for lunch so make sure you bring money so that you can buy lunch or a snack while you wait.
2. Your case might be rescheduled. This may happen the day before the court date you have waited weeks for. It can even happen while you are already there. I once waited 8 hours for a court date only to have it rescheduled. I had to pay my lawyer over $1,200 for sitting there all day. The court system does not reimburse you or care.
3. Do not speak or even look at your ex. If you start an argument with your ex while waiting outside the courtroom, you can be sure it will be used against you. Do not speak to your ex without your attorney present. You do not want your ex making false accusations against you. If you are there with a family member, tell him or her to keep quiet as well. During my first court date my father confronted my ex. My ex had his lawyer march into the judge and falsely accused my father of threatening him. He then filed a restraining order against my father!
4. Keep your mouth shut while in the courtroom. The judge will scold you should you make any outbursts. If you feel your ex or his attorney is saying something that is not true, alert your lawyer by jotting it down on a legal pad. Your lawyer is your mouthpiece in the courtroom and you are not allowed to speak unless directed to by the judge. Even whispering can get you in trouble. Remember, everything is being recorded inside the courtroom.
5. Be prepared to be disappointed. The family court system is not always just and fair. You may be shocked at the judge's ruling. Control your emotions the best you can. You will most likely have the same judge throughout your divorce and he or she will be the one ruling should your divorce go to trial. You do not want to appear to the judge as someone who is out of control. If you are upset with the judge's ruling, discuss this with your attorney and he can file another motion.
If there is any possibility you can settle your divorce fairly without going to court, do it. The expense, stress and aggravation of having to appear in court, often multiply times throughout your divorce, can take a huge emotional and financial toll on you.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
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Saturday, November 29, 2008
What I Miss About Being Married...
I have been divorced for over 3 and 1/2 years and it has been 5 years since the separation. Up until recently I could not think of many things I missed about being married. I certainly did not miss my ex and many of his annoying habits-especially his snoring! I enjoy sleeping alone in my king size bed, being free to do whatever I want and not having answer to anyone. Single life is good. Yet recently I have found myself remembering some of the things about marriage that I do miss.
I miss having a partner there to help with the kids. It is tough having to be both mom and dad, 24/7 and not being able to have someone there to share the burden. I also miss having a husband there to share the financial responsibilities. When you are married and have two incomes coming into the household, it does make life easier.
And as independent as I profess to be, I think I am starting to miss having a life partner who is always there to share in the good times and bad, someone who is not only your spouse but your best friend. I used to think of my ex as my best friend early on in the marriage. It was a wonderful feeling when I felt I could trust him and that he was always going to be there for me.
Even though my ex eventually betrayed my trust, I hope I will someday be able to trust someone like that again. Maybe then I will be ready to give marriage another try. But for now I will remain single and enjoy every minute of it.
Why a "Rebound" Relationship Can Be Good for You...
You have most likely have heard the warnings about the "rebound" man or woman. This is the first person you have a relationship with after your divorce. The typical advice is to take it slow and not get too attached because rebound relationships often do not last.
That may be true and the advice to be careful so that you do not suffer a double blow-first a divorce and then a failed relationship-is sound. But there are benefits to having a rebound relationship after your divorce.
One benefit is the distraction the new relationship provides. You may be still reeling from your divorce and having many issues lingering. Your new relationship provides you with excitement, fun and the thrill of being in love again. These positive emotions can help keep your mind off of the divorce and bring back some joy in your life again.
Another benefit is a boost to your self esteem. If your ex was emotionally abusive or did not pay attention to you and put you down often, having a new lover who showers you with attention and compliments can do wonders for your self esteem. You start believing that you are an attractive again and someone who can be loved.
So go ahead and enjoy your new relationship after your divorce. But understand that you may not be emotionally ready for a serious, committed relationship so soon after your divorce. If you have not resolved the issues from your marriage and gone through the grieving process, you could be setting yourself up for another failed relationship. The key is to keep your new relationship light and fun and enjoy it for what it is worth. Be in the moment and take it one step at a time without expectations, while giving yourself the time you need to recover fully from your divorce.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Would You Marry for the Money?
I was flipping through the channels the other night and caught a few minutes of the show about the " Real Housewives of Orange County". This 30 year old blonde who looked like Barbie was getting a new 4 carat diamond ring from her 60 something year old boyfriend. She admitted that she was not attracted to him at first since he reminded her of Santa Claus or Kenny Rogers with his white hair and beard, but now is is deeply in love with him.
This man has been married 5 times and she will be his 6th wife. Maybe she does loves him but it sounded like she loved his money even more. I know there are people who do marry for the money but I wonder how can you be happy with someone if you are not attracted to them and do not love them?
Sure money makes life easier and it must be tempting to marry someone well off . But what price do you pay emotionally? I once knew a woman in her 50's who was divorced and met a man in his late 70's. He was wealthy and had no children or family. Believe it or not, after they married at the courthouse they drove straight to the lawyer's office and had his will changed, making her the sole beneficary of his estate.
Years later, he did die and she inherited all of his money. Although she married him for financial security, they did have a good relationship through the years, and she cared for him but was not in love with him. She got his money and he got a wife and the extended family he never had, including her grandchildren, so I guess it worked for both of them.
Have you ever considered marrying someone you did not love because they were rich? If you met a wealthy potential partner would you date him or her because they were rich, even if you were not attracted to them? Be honest!
My answer would be that I could not be intimate with someone I was not attracted to, no matter how much money he had. Ideally, it would be great to find the whole package: love and financial security. But I rather be married to a man who was not well off that I deeply loved than a rich one I was not attracted to.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Perils of Dating After Divorce....
It can be scary to be single again after a divorce. It is tough putting yourself out there again and meeting new people. One benefit of marriage, unless your ex was cheating or violent, is knowing you are relatively safe from harm. We hear stories in the news about dates gone wrong, women losing their life savings to con artists and the increased risks of STDs.
One website is even offering a service now that will deliver an "e-card" to a partner informing them that you have an STD! How crazy is that? Can you imagine opening your email and reading "Just wanted to say Hi and by the way, I have an STD, get yourself checked out". Other websites offer background checks so that you can investigate your future dates and make sure they are not criminals.
So should you plan to do background checks and require a clean bill of health for all of your potential dates, post divorce? I think that may be taking it to the extreme. One thing we all have, and it is free, is our intuition. I believe our gut feelings always lead us in the right direction, even though we don't always listen.
Dating after divorce does not have to be frightening. Trust yourself to make the right judgment calls about new people you meet. Always listen to that little voice inside you, the one that warns you when something is not right. Focus on meeting safe, healthy people and you will. Remember, the very thing you fear the most is often what you attract. By being afraid to date and dwelling on what could go wrong, you can almost guarantee that will be your experience. Relax, have fun and enjoy this new chapter in your life.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I interviewed Rosalind Sedacca, author of How do I tell the Kids About the Divorce? and asked her what is the most effective way to break the divorce news to kids. Watch the video for her answer.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
This Friday night, Christine Brinkley's cheating ex- husband, Peter Cook is being interviewed by Barbara Walters on ABC. In sneak previews, Cook blames Brinkley for his affair, saying he did not get attention or "thank yous" for all of his efforts and felt like he was living with his sister.
This is the typical excuse for both men and women who cheat. It is just so much easier to blame your spouse than to take responsibility for your actions. However, there may be some truth here as to why a person would be tempted to cheat. Many have cited the same reason Cook has. Lack of attention, affection and feeling unappreciated. Of course this is not a valid reason to cheat. These are reasons to ask your spouse to attend martial counseling and if all else fails, ask for a divorce. Most people really do not want to get a divorce., but instead of letting their spouses know how they are feeling, they look outside of the marriage for excitement, fulfillment and love.
If your ex cheated on you it is important not to blame yourself. But the affair is almost always a symptom of a failing marriage. If you find that your spouse is acting depressed, withdrawn or complaining of lack of affection, those are red flags. Martial counseling and opening up the lines if communication may prevent an affair and save your marriage.