Thursday, August 30, 2007
The ink may have dried on the divorce papers, but if you have children together, your ex-husband is still a part of your life, like it or not. You may be thinking that you got a divorce to get this person out of your life. But the reality is that although you now have separate homes, you still must be able to deal with each in a civilized manner for the sake of the kids.
This can be difficult sometimes. I know of a woman who has been divorced for over 2 years. Her ex comes over her house unannounced to see the kids, refuses to take the kids on his scheduled overnight visits and picks fights with her in front of the children.
If you are dealing with an ex-husband who is driving you crazy is there anything you can do?First,you need to set boundaries. If your ex is belittling you in front of the children, then you need to discuss this with him in private and explain that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior. If he refuses to cooperate, you should not have any contact with him when he comes to pick up the children for his visits. Why not use text messaging or emails to communicate instead of speaking to him on the phone or in person?
Show your ex that you mean business and will not accept his bad behavior. Remember , he may be treating you the same way he did during your marriage. He does not see you as the strong, independent women you have now become. You need to teach him how to treat you.
By standing up for yourself, you will be setting an example for your children. They will see their mother as someone who is confident and secure and does not allow others, including their father, to treat her badly. This will empower them and they will not tolerate bad behavior in their own future relationships.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Why do people commit adultery? There are many reasons a man or woman might give for being unfaithful. The most common reason is he or she claims to be "unhappy" in his or her marriage. They think that by having an affair they can escape the drudgery of daily life and live out a secret fantasy with their lover.
The person who cheats feels jaded and disappointed in life. They no longer feels young and are desperate to recapture the carefree days of their youth. The responsibilities of caring for children, working and pleasing a spouse have become too much. They yearn to escape, to go back to a simpler time in life when they were free to do as they please.
Most of the people who cheat do not want to end their marriages. They want their families,the illusion of a happy home life and the excitement of a lover too. Usually when they are caught they are forced to make a decision. Either their spouse asks for a divorce or they leave their spouse and family for their lover.
Some common excuses for adultery are that their spouse has let him or herself go physically, they are no longer interested in sex or they nag all of the time. These excuses are used as justifications for betrayal. These people will grasp onto to anything to assuage the guilt they may feel over cheating .I actually spoke to man who was having an affair who said he "felt like he was drowning and his lover was his life raft".
Although a person may be in a miserable marriage and unhappy it does not give him or her the right to go out and bring another person into the marriage. Finding out your spouse is having an affair is one of the most devastating emotions you can experience. The betrayal cuts like a knife. Anyone who has went through it can tell you it takes years to heal from that kind betrayal.
If a someone is in an unhappy marriage, they can make a different choice. They can make the choice to tell their spouse they want a divorce. They can make the choice to seek marriage counseling. They can make choices that do not involve hurting other people. Men and women who are tempted to cheat need to take responsibility and become accountable for their unhappiness instead of blaming others. If leaving the marriage is the only option , they need to stand up and do what is right by telling their spouse they want a divorce, instead of taking the cowardly way out.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Another potential problem is the attachment your children might develop to your boyfriend. If things don’t work out, then the kids are left with feelings of abandonment by an adult they’ve grown to trust and love. As you enter into other relationships, their confusion will be compounded. If they have a troubled relationship with their father and are now looking up to your boyfriend as a father figure, a break up can be emotionally scarring.
It might be best to wait a few months before your new boyfriend meets your kids. That way you can slowly introduce him into their lives. Keeping your boyfriend distant from your children may be tough, but you must think of their feelings. Kids want mom and dad together. They are often traumatized by the divorce and they will often embrace or repel newcomers too quickly. Take it slow; it will save a lot of heartbreak.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
An important issue you must be aware of when beginning your divorce proceedings is that you may be entitled to temporary spousal and child support. All too often I hear from women who are not receiving any spousal or child support while waiting to reach a divorce settlement. This can be financially devastating. It can take months or even years to reach an agreement with your ex. Unfortunately many women are not aware that they can go to court and file a motion to receive temporary spousal and child support. It amazes me how many divorce lawyers do not file a motion for temporary support.
If you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement in your divorce you can get a date in court before a Family Court Judge. This is referred to as a Pendente Lite hearing. The Judge can decide on issues such as the award of temporary child custody and support, temporary spousal support, temporary use and possession of the home, and other divorce related issues.
Remember that the results are temporary but the decision can give you some much need financial support while waiting for your divorce to become final. If you cannot settle your divorce in a timely manner, you will at least have the temporary support order to hold you over and give you time to prepare for trial.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Today was the first day of school here in Florida. As I searched stores looking for the school supplies my three younger kids require this year, I started to feel some resentment towards my ex-husband.
The fact is that I am responsible for all of their new school clothes, back packs, sneakers and supplies. I am the one who has to organize everything, sign all of their paperwork , and make sure their homework is done. I take them to after school activities, go food shopping and clean the house. Oh did I mention that I also have work and make money to support the kids too?
My ex on the other hand, only has to worry about going to work and paying his child support. He has no involvement in any of the daily responsibilities of child care. We have recently moved out of state, but even when we lived 15 minutes away from each other, he rarely took on any of the many responsibilities of parenthood.
Single moms across the country will get their kids ready for school this year and take on the role of both mother and father once again. To the fathers out there that take an active role in their children lives and help co-parent their children, I applaud you. To the single moms, just like me, who struggle each day to be the best mom they can be, tired and stressed from the huge weight of responsibility on their shoulders, you are heroes.
Instead of resentment towards my ex, I will choose today a different emotion. I am grateful to have my children and to be their mom. I get to be a daily witness in their every changing young lives. Although I may be tired, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
How you behave in the courtroom during your divorce will have an impact on how your case is decided. Make sure to stay calm and in control at all times in the courtroom. Let your lawyer take the lead. Keep your mouth shut. Your attorney speaks for you here, and you should remain silent unless your attorney, or the judge, directs you to speak. When the judge speaks, pay attention. He is the one who decides things, so he is the most important person there. Don’t whisper in your attorney’s ear. If you do whisper, remember that sometimes the microphones at the table are very sensitive, and what you say may be recorded by the courtroom audiotape, and heard by the Court Reporter, even if nobody else hears you.
To the judge you want to look sympathetic, yet intelligent, confident, and secure. Do not twirl your hair, play with your keys, or fix your makeup. Sit upright, and pay attention to every word that is being said. Your future is at stake. Do not look at your ex or his attorney. If your ex takes the stand, remain calm. This may be the most difficult thing for you. He may lie. He may twist every situation. At the very least he will have a view of the situation that is totally opposed to yours. That’s why you are here. Don’t lash out. Don’t lose your temper. Outbursts are not allowed in the courtroom. You must remain composed at all times. And above all, do not make funny faces or expressions of disbelief. Even if they are genuine, the judge may think you are play-acting, and won’t appreciate it. Your future, and that of your children, depends on how you control your behavior in the courtroom.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Have you been divorced for awhile and still can’t stand your ex-husband? If your husband has a new girlfriend or has remarried, you may feel like he does not deserve to be happy. I am sure you have met women who talk badly about their ex-husbands years after the divorce is final. They just can't seem to let ago and move on with their lives. It is normal to feel resentful and hurt seeing the man who was once your husband, the love of your life, with another woman. No matter who ended the relationship or the circumstances surrounding the divorce, it is only natural that your ex's relationship with stir up negative emotions. So what can you do to get rid of these negative feelings?
Letting go after divorce is a challenge. Seeing your ex-husband in a happy new relationship reinforces the fact that your marriage is over. Although you may be still grieving that loss, your ex has clearly moved on. That is painful. You haven't properly mourned the death of your marriage yet.
You need to go through the process of releasing your negative emotions towards him. Write him a letter and don’t hold back, tell him how much he has hurt you and turned your world upside down. Pull out all of the angry thoughts and feelings you have for him.
When you are done, go outside and burn the letter. This will signify releasing all of that negative pent up energy that has been stored inside of you for years. You will feel great relief. By finally letting go, you will discover a new, happier life, free from the anger and hate that is poisoning you now.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Although it may feel as though your divorce will never end and you will be caught in a vicious cycle of divorce lawyers and court dates, one day soon this divorce will be over and a new chapter of your life will begin. It may seem so far away for those of you just beginning your divorce or who are in the process of divorce. Some of you reading this are already divorced and dealing with the aftermath and the many questions that arise. So when your divorce truly “ends” will depend entirely on you. Your divorce is not over on the day that the judge signs your final divorce order. It ends when you have straightened out your financial affairs. It ends when you no longer look at your ex and are filled with rage and hate. It also will be over when you have learned to rely on yourself and find out that you actually enjoy your own company.
You are an independent, strong woman who has been through an emotionally draining, life-changing ordeal. But guess what? Your divorce has now made you a stronger person. Someone who can handle anything life throws her way.
You may be reading this and thinking that you do not feel very strong right now. Your divorce may have appeared to take the life out of you. But do not be fooled. Just when you think you cannot take anymore, you find your inner strength and you are amazed at what you can do.
Have faith and trust that this too shall pass and you will begin a new and exciting life, better than before.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Have you been trying unsuccessfully to get a deadbeat parent to pay the child support he owes? If so, then you know that each court date and each decision in the process takes an emotional toll. This debilitation can often become a physical drain as well. The cost of chasing a deadbeat is paid in more than money. While you need to do all you can to get support for your children, you must also temper your efforts with an attitude of peace and acceptance.
If you have done all you can, exhausting every avenue, it may be time to let go. At such a point you must use that energy to accent the positives in your life. You may find that the time spent on pursuit is better spent on furthering yourself and your career. That’s not to say that you should ever let a deadbeat ex off the hook. But you can’t allow the battle to destroy you either.
I have learned all of this the hard way. Though my ex-husband now pays his child support, I have come to see that I will always have to be the chief breadwinner for my family. I realize now that ultimately the only person I can rely on is myself. With that in mind, I work on my career and focus on improving myself. That way I will always be able to provide the income that my kids need and deserve.
In any future fight I would not allow myself to fall victim to the emotional devastation I felt the first time. My energy now is devoted to positive thoughts and outcomes. I am a true believer in “what you think about, is what you get.” I choose to surround myself with positive people and things and have had great results from doing so. Money flows easier to those who have positive energy. Things go smoother, and you feel happier. Never let your ex-spouse’s actions affect your peace and happiness. It is just not worth it.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Is your ex driving you crazy? Here are five of the most common things ex-husband's do to push our buttons and aggravate us. Please feel free to add anymore you can think of in your comments!
1. He is late paying child support and alimony
2. Badmouths you in front of your children
3. Shows up at your home uninvited
4. Let's his new girlfriend babysit your kids on his weekends
5. Cancels his scheduled visitation with the kids because he "has something to do"
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
First of all, remember that appearances count. The judge probably doesn’t know you, so you will be making a first impression. Dress appropriately for court. That means dress with care and respect, as you would for a business lunch with a group of conservative professional people (such as clergymen or schoolteachers). No jeans, nothing sexy or provocative, and no garish makeup. Certainly hide any tattoos or piercing. Wear your hair in a simple, neat style. You want to look sensible and responsible.
The same should be true of how you act. Remember what your mother said, and mind your manners. You should do this in any public part of the courthouse. The only place where you might have an excuse to let go is if there is a private, sealed-off room where you meet with your attorney. Otherwise remain quiet and calm at all times while in the courthouse. Don’t allow clerks, officers, or anyone else there to witness arguments, shouting matches, or anything more than quiet civilities between you and your spouse. Remember that sometimes the judge’s clerk has a lot of influence on the final decision. Don’t think that because the judge is out of the room that nobody is watching you and it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s best to have no contact with the opposition at all. Contact is the job of your attorney.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
In a divorce it is not just mom, dad, and the kids who are affected. Your parents, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunts, and friends are all drawn into the conflict. As you begin the divorce process, your tendency will be to think only of your most immediate world: home, children, and property. This is the core that is changing, but that can blind you to the larger world outside. As the process drags on you will discover that your entire range of relationships has changed. Some of these changes are sudden and huge. Others are far subtler.
Whose friend is whose? Will you ever see your in-laws again? What are the fault lines of your children’s loyalties? Will any of their friendships be affected? Much of this turns on the divorce process itself. The nastier it gets, the more difficult these questions become. Can you remain friends with the couple that is still on good terms with your ex? When you’re around them do you have to watch every word you say?
As with all issues of divorce, this one is easier if the split is amicable. If you and your ex are on friendly terms, that feeling will usually extend to his relatives. But if things have been ugly, then relationships change radically. The bitterness in a divorce tends to bleed into far too many other parts of one’s life.
When you are one of the people who are divorcing, you suffer not only the loss of a spouse, but a whole set of people you cared about. These may be people you spoke to candidly, folks with whom you shared holidays and vacations. You may have even thought of them as people you would confide in about anything. Suddenly they are cast into an enemy camp, and you wish you’d never said a word to them.
The easy thing to say is: be strong. The most important thing to say is: go to the friends and family who have stuck with you. When people turn against you, go to those people who are true to you. Your real friends won’t ask you to spell out everything, or to prove anything. They will simply give you love and support, and that is exactly what you need most now.
Friday, August 03, 2007
It can be awkward for a recently divorced woman when she tells
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Dating after divorce raises many issues, including sex. What are the rules? If it’s been awhile since you were single, a lot has changed.
So what are the new rules? When should you sleep with someone? The third date? Fourth? Longer? Figuring this out is never easy. Will you feel lonely, and jump into bed with someone too quickly? Or will you close yourself off emotionally and physically, and make yourself unapproachable?
You need to trust your own instincts and intuition. When a relationship feels right and you are ready to take the next step, then do it, but do what you can to be sure.
Losers are plentiful on the dating scene. Many of these are predators looking for nothing but a good time. Don’t become the cliché-divorced woman, easy and hungry for sex. Some men look for that. Be careful to avoid these losers.
Here are six pointers for getting back in the dating game:
· Always meet in a public place for your first few dates.
· Drive yourself there; do not have your date pick you up at your home.
· Practice safe sex. Always use a condom.
· Do not go back to his home or a motel until you feel you know this man and can trust him.
· Screen him thoroughly. Be choosy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.
· Follow your gut and trust yourself. If something does not seem right about your date, listen to your inner voice.
You can still have a good time and enjoy dating if you follow these simple rules.