What You Can Expect When Going to Family Court...

If you have never been to family court before and you have court date coming up for you divorce, there are a few things you need to know. Spending time at family court can be quite a shock. Here are 5 things to expect so that you can prepare yourself:

1. It will take all day long. Even though your case is scheduled for 9:00 am, be prepared to spend the entire day waiting. Family courts are overbooked and it is quite common to be there all day. Bring reading materials to keep your occupied. The court breaks for lunch so make sure you bring money so that you can buy lunch or a snack while you wait.

2. Your case might be rescheduled. This may happen the day before the court date you have waited weeks for. It can even happen while you are already there. I once waited 8 hours for a court date only to have it rescheduled. I had to pay my lawyer over $1,200 for sitting there all day. The court system does not reimburse you or care.

3. Do not speak or even look at your ex. If you start an argument with your ex while waiting outside the courtroom, you can be sure it will be used against you. Do not speak to your ex without your attorney present. You do not want your ex making false accusations against you. If you are there with a family member, tell him or her to keep quiet as well. During my first court date my father confronted my ex. My ex had his lawyer march into the judge and falsely accused my father of threatening him. He then filed a restraining order against my father!

4. Keep your mouth shut while in the courtroom. The judge will scold you should you make any outbursts. If you feel your ex or his attorney is saying something that is not true, alert your lawyer by jotting it down on a legal pad. Your lawyer is your mouthpiece in the courtroom and you are not allowed to speak unless directed to by the judge. Even whispering can get you in trouble. Remember, everything is being recorded inside the courtroom.

5. Be prepared to be disappointed. The family court system is not always just and fair. You may be shocked at the judge's ruling. Control your emotions the best you can. You will most likely have the same judge throughout your divorce and he or she will be the one ruling should your divorce go to trial. You do not want to appear to the judge as someone who is out of control. If you are upset with the judge's ruling, discuss this with your attorney and he can file another motion.

If there is any possibility you can settle your divorce fairly without going to court, do it. The expense, stress and aggravation of having to appear in court, often multiply times throughout your divorce, can take a huge emotional and financial toll on you.

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Divorce Parties, Divorce Cards and Now the Divorce Photo Album....

You may wonder what they will think of next. With divorce wedding ring coffins, divorce greeting cards and divorce parties gaining in popularity, thanks to an Italian Wedding Photographer, we have now the "Divorce Photo Album".

Photographer Gianni Fasolini offers photo sessions for the newly divorced couple to chronicle, in pictures, the end of their marriage. Sounds a bit odd to me that a couple, fresh from divorce court, would pose for photos together. Most couples cannot even stand to look at one another after a divorce. And would you really want a reminder of one of the saddest times of your life?

Maybe if you had a friendly divorce it would be okay, but even then it seems strange to pose for a photo album together after your split. Time will tell if this new divorce trend takes off.

A better, more practical service to offer to divorcing couples is to have copies made of all of the family photo albums and videos. This way each spouse gets their own copies. Especially important if a couple has children.

I have all of the photo albums and videos, my ex has still not asked me for copies. I did give him a bunch of photos of the kids after the divorce, but it would be nice to someday get around to making copies of all of the videos and pictures from over the years and give him his own set.

A business which offered to do that at a reasonable price would be a much better idea than one marketing divorce photo albums.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

What to Do When Your Divorce Drags On and On...

The divorce process can take anywhere from a few months to a few years. Those couples who find themselves in a long, bitter divorce battle often suffer from anxiety, depression and anger. A divorce that has no ending in sight takes a toll on everyone involved, including the children.

You may want to settle and get the divorce over with but may be dealing with a stubborn spouse who refuses to negotiate. It is extremely stressful dealing with a spouse who won't even consider a settlement and rather drag the case through the family court system.

But since the only person you can control is yourself, there is little you can do to force your ex to settle. However, you can make this difficult time period easier by doing the following things:

1. Inject some humor into the situation. Laughter is really the best medicine and an excellent release, so go ahead and tell some jokes about the divorce and your ex to your close friends. I recently saw a photo on the web where a divorcing woman made up fliers with a picture of her ex and the caption read: "Lost Dog: Answers to Steven". I don't suggest you the same and possibly get yourself into trouble by publicly humiliating your ex, but the point is this woman definitely had a sense of humor. If she had shared that as a private joke between a few friends, it would of been harmless and a good emotional release.

2. Have faith. Tell yourself everyday that this too shall pass and your divorce will be settled soon. It is important that you change your negative thoughts about the divorce into ones that give you hope. Most divorces, even the worst ones, do eventually settle so have faith that yours will too.

3. Get your mind off the divorce. If your divorce is all that you think about you will be miserable. Now is the time to go out with friends, start a new hobby, take a vacation if financially possible or see a movie. Any action you can take to take your focus off the divorce and do something that is fun instead will help pass this time while waiting for your divorce to be over.

Finally, if the reason you cannot settle your divorce is because you are refusing your ex's low ball settlement, take some time to review it again while you feel calm and collected. It may not be that far off from what you are asking for. You also need to weigh in how much more you will spend on attorney fees if the divorce does not settle. Sometimes an unacceptable offer can be turned around into something you both can live with if you look at it logically and see where there might be some room for compromise. They say that there are no winners in a divorce case(except for the lawyers) and both spouses are usually unhappy with the settlement. Better to take an offer that you can live with than hold out for more money or assets and be miserable.

Why You Don't Want To Go To Divorce Court...

Do you believe that court is a place where justice is served and judges are unbiased and fair in their rulings? The truth is this is often not the case in family court. If you fail to settle your divorce outside of a courtroom, you could be in for a rude awakening.

The family court system is overcrowded and understaffed. Expect to wait weeks to get a court date and be prepared to spend hours waiting for your case to be heard, if it is heard at all. Many times you can spend an entire day at court, paying your divorce lawyer several hundred dollars and hour only to have your case adjourned at the last minute. You then have to repeat the whole process again several weeks later.

When you put your divorce in the hands of a family court judge, you are basically entrusting your future to a stranger who has no emotional interest in your case or your family. The judge's rulings are usually cut and dry.

You may be shocked at the rulings that a judge can make. Instead of going to mediation and resolving their differences, many couples think that by fighting it out in a courtroom they will "win". But the sad truth is that no one wins when a divorce goes to court, except for the divorce lawyers. Court dates can drag on for months and even years and if you go to trial, be prepared to spend a fortune on attorney fees.

I think divorcing couples need to put their anger aside and look at the facts. Is it really worth it to fight over assets and refuse to compromise? Will you eventually spend more in attorney fees than the asset is worth?

Of course there are times when it is necessary to go to court when one party refuses to negotiate and settle the divorce in a reasonable, fair manner. But often couples are stubborn and go to court thinking that they are going to punish their spouse and the judge will rule in their favor. They are shocked when they do not get what they wanted and rack up huge attorney fees. If both parties can keep the lines of communication open and have a willingness to compromise, an agreement can usually be reached and you can avoid the courtroom altogether.

Youtube Divorce Lady Loses in Court...

Tricia Walsh-Smith, the infamous "divorce lady" whose wacky youtube videos about her divorce and her husband, gained her notoriety and fame, has lost her divorce case in court today.

The judge was not pleased with her performances on youtube saying "She has attempted to turn the life of her husband into a soap opera by directing, writing, acting in and producing a melodrama" and called her video stunt "a calculated and callous campaign to embarrass and humiliate her husband".

Some of the facts of this case were not apparent while the public was focused on Ms. Walsh-Smith's entertaining videos. She did sign a pre-nup in 1999, three weeks before her wedding. This agreement said that she would have to vacate their apartment within 30 days and would only receive $750,000 of her husband's millions.

The judge upheld the pre-nup agreement and said it was valid. Tricia Walsh-Smith says she will appeal, but must now leave her Park Avenue apartment. $750,000 is not pocket change, and instead of appealing, I think she should move on already and start a new life. She needs to cut her losses and let go of her anger and bitterness.

Divorce, Youtube Style...

A NY woman has taken her divorce case to the Internet and posted a video about her divorce and her soon to be ex-husband on youtube. Tricia Walsh-Smith's video has had close to $150,000 hits on youtube.com. In the video, she goes through their wedding album on camera, making comments about family members and claims that her husband is trying to evict her from their luxury apartment. She also speaks about their intimate life, complete with embarrassing details.

Obviously this woman is hurt and wants to lash out at her husband by embarrassing him. I am sure making the video and humiliating her husband on the Internet has made her feel better. What better way to tell your side of the story than to make a video and have 150,000 people view it? Anyone who has gone through a nasty divorce battle can sympathize. During a divorce, you feel hurt, angry and sometimes out of control. you want to tell your story to anyone who will listen.

However, making a video about your ex and putting it on youtube,can have some serious legal ramifications. The judge presiding over your divorce case will most likely not appreciate this kind of public outburst. Presenting yourself as an angry, jaded spouse is definitely not in your best interest. You also open yourself up to a possible defamation lawsuit brought by your ex. Although it may be tempting to grab the video camera and spill your ex's dirty secrets on youtube, you need to think of the consequences first.

Crazy in The Courtroom: Are you out of control?

Yesterday, Heather Mills, former wife of Paul McCartney, was awarded 48.6 million in her divorce settlement. Not bad for 4 years of marriage. But legal analysts are saying that Ms. Mills could of received even more money considering Paul McCartney's enormous wealth and the lack of a prenuptial agreement.

So what turned the court in Sir Paul's favor? In the judge's ruling he said this of Heather Mills "I am driven to the conclusion that much of her evidence, both written and oral, was not just inconsistent and inaccurate but also less than candid."

Obviously, the judge does not think highly of Heather Mills. He did not view her as credible and it hurt her in the courtroom. There are reports today that she even throw a glass of water at her ex-husband's attorney. Although I would have loved to have done the same to my ex-husband's nasty lawyer during our divorce, thankfully, I was able to control myself.

What you can learn from this story is that any out of control behavior in the courtroom will impact your divorce case. If you are currently involved a divorce battle right now, it is crucial that you find a way to control yourself in the courtroom. You may be seething with rage at your ex, you must exhibit self-control.

It will not be easy, but you can do it. Here are a few quick reminders to help you stay in the good graces of the judge during court hearings:

1. Do not stare or look at your soon to be ex in court. Do give him dirty looks or make faces either.
2. Do not speak in court unless asked to by the Judge. Write notes to your lawyer if you need to communicate while court is in session.
3. Dress appropriately and remember to also watch your behavior while waiting for court to begin. Do not speak to your ex outside of the courtroom.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during divorce....

Warning: Blogging About Your Divorce Can Be Dangerous...

A man was recently ordered by the judge in his divorce case to cease blogging about his divorce. Apparently his soon to be ex wife asked the court to stop her husband from writing about their divorce on his blog. Does this infringe upon this man's rights under the first amendment? It may. The man in question did not receive a hearing before the judge demanded he stop blogging.

But there is another issue here to consider. If you are currently going through a divorce and letting off steam by by blogging about it online, you run the risk of your ex using the very information you wrote against you in court. Remember the saying never to put anything in writing? Be very careful what you put out on the Internet if you are currently involved in a divorce or custody case. It could come back to haunt you.

The same goes for emails. Do not hit the "send" button after firing off a nasty email to your ex. Ditto for text messaging. You should also be wary of leaving detailed voice messages on your ex's answering machine. This all sounds like common sense, but when you are in a divorce battle with your ex, logic can fly out the window. Never let your emotions get the best of you. If you are feeling angry and upset with your ex, do not call, email, text or blog about him. Instead take out a good old fashion piece of paper and write him a letter. Then take that letter and shred it, burn it or rip it into pieces. You will feel better and you will not run the risk of harming your divorce case.

How To Get Temporary Spousal Support During Your Divorce

An important issue you must be aware of when beginning your divorce proceedings is that you may be entitled to temporary spousal and child support. All too often I hear from women who are not receiving any spousal or child support while waiting to reach a divorce settlement. This can be financially devastating. It can take months or even years to reach an agreement with your ex. Unfortunately many women are not aware that they can go to court and file a motion to receive temporary spousal and child support. It amazes me how many divorce lawyers do not file a motion for temporary support.

If you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement in your divorce you can get a date in court before a Family Court Judge. This is referred to as a Pendente Lite hearing. The Judge can decide on issues such as the award of temporary child custody and support, temporary spousal support, temporary use and possession of the home, and other divorce related issues.

Remember that the results are temporary but the decision can give you some much need financial support while waiting for your divorce to become final. If you cannot settle your divorce in a timely manner, you will at least have the temporary support order to hold you over and give you time to prepare for trial.

How To Behave Inside The Divorce Courtroom

How you behave in the courtroom during your divorce will have an impact on how your case is decided. Make sure to stay calm and in control at all times in the courtroom. Let your lawyer take the lead. Keep your mouth shut. Your attorney speaks for you here, and you should remain silent unless your attorney, or the judge, directs you to speak. When the judge speaks, pay attention. He is the one who decides things, so he is the most important person there. Don’t whisper in your attorney’s ear. If you do whisper, remember that sometimes the microphones at the table are very sensitive, and what you say may be recorded by the courtroom audiotape, and heard by the Court Reporter, even if nobody else hears you.

You may take notes while the judge is speaking, and if you need to you may show these to your attorney, but wait until the judge has finished speaking. This won’t be easy. At times you’ll feel ready to burst. At times you’ll feel angry, and there will be moments when you’ll want to cry. Someone may say something that begs for sarcastic reaction. Pretend you don’t hear. If your attorney is saying something that’s incorrect, or if you feel he or she needs clarification on a point, that’s what your notepad is for. Use it and use it directly.

To the judge you want to look sympathetic, yet intelligent, confident, and secure. Do not twirl your hair, play with your keys, or fix your makeup. Sit upright, and pay attention to every word that is being said. Your future is at stake. Do not look at your ex or his attorney. If your ex takes the stand, remain calm. This may be the most difficult thing for you. He may lie. He may twist every situation. At the very least he will have a view of the situation that is totally opposed to yours. That’s why you are here. Don’t lash out. Don’t lose your temper. Outbursts are not allowed in the courtroom. You must remain composed at all times. And above all, do not make funny faces or expressions of disbelief. Even if they are genuine, the judge may think you are play-acting, and won’t appreciate it. Your future, and that of your children, depends on how you control your behavior in the courtroom.

Divorce Court Etiquette


First of all, remember that appearances count. The judge probably doesn’t know you, so you will be making a first impression. Dress appropriately for court. That means dress with care and respect, as you would for a business lunch with a group of conservative professional people (such as clergymen or schoolteachers). No jeans, nothing sexy or provocative, and no garish makeup. Certainly hide any tattoos or piercing. Wear your hair in a simple, neat style. You want to look sensible and responsible.

The same should be true of how you act. Remember what your mother said, and mind your manners. You should do this in any public part of the courthouse. The only place where you might have an excuse to let go is if there is a private, sealed-off room where you meet with your attorney. Otherwise remain quiet and calm at all times while in the courthouse. Don’t allow clerks, officers, or anyone else there to witness arguments, shouting matches, or anything more than quiet civilities between you and your spouse. Remember that sometimes the judge’s clerk has a lot of influence on the final decision. Don’t think that because the judge is out of the room that nobody is watching you and it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s best to have no contact with the opposition at all. Contact is the job of your attorney.

About To File For Divorce? Two Things You Must Do Now

The next two steps should be taken only if you are certain the breakup is imminent. If you are about to ask your spouse to move, or if you are the one moving, withdraw half of all funds in all joint savings and checking accounts. These are the accounts that are in both of your names. The court may decide otherwise later, but for now, you are entitled to 50% of what’s in them. Take out your money. Leave the remainder for your spouse. While you may be legally entitled to withdraw all of the money in the joint accounts, you should consider what that would look like to the judge who decides your divorce case. If you withdraw only half, you will appear fair, even in the midst of turmoil. Make sure you keep the bank receipts from these transactions. You want to show that what you are taking is exactly half of what’s there on the date of the withdrawal.
Next you must cancel all joint credit cards. Also call and remove your spouse as an additional cardholder on any of your own credit cards. This action will of course alert your spouse that you are leaving, so it is best to do it immediately before leaving, or just before filing for divorce.
Are these extreme measures? Not if you have already decided to file for divorce. If your spouse decides on a split before you do, you may find yourself presented with a situation where all or most of these things have already been done. You may also find that the arrangements aren’t as fair as they should be. If you think your divorce will be amicable, answer this: Have you and your spouse talked about it quietly? Have you each hired an attorney, and selected a neutral mediator to help with the details? If this is not the case, and you have made your decision, and one person’s departure from the home is imminent, then you should take these actions now.

The 9 Questions You Must Examine In Mediation

1. Custody.
Care of the children is your most important concern. If custody is shared, what are the terms? If it is not, what is the visitation schedule for the non-custodial parent? Don’t forget holidays and summer vacations.

2. Housing.
Who will retain the family home? Will the martial home be sold and equity split equally? Or will one party keep the house and buy the other out? (In my own divorce I kept the family home. I waived alimony payments in exchange for equity in my home. Alimony is taxable but the equity in your home is not, so keep this option in mind)

3. Alimony and child support.
How much will go to whom?

4. Tuition.
Who will pay for school tuition? Will he pay for private or public universities? Might issues regarding paying for tuition become an issue later? Don’t rely on oral promises, ”Of course I will pay for college!” is often said at mediation but not committed to writing. Unfortunately, in most jurisdictions, once a child is 18, there is nothing the Court can do to force a parent to pay for college.

5. Division of stocks, bonds and other investments.
What is the proper division/liquidation of stocks, bonds, bank accounts, and other holdings and investments? What about the 401K plans, retirement funds, and life insurance? How will this be divided? A minimum amount of life insurance should be a provision of every divorce settlement, without exception.

6. Marital debt.
Who borrowed what? Who charged what?

7. Determination of incomes.
Who made more money? Who contributed what, and what are the values of those contributions?

8. Wills.
Will you have wills drawn naming the children as the beneficiaries?

9. Health insurance.
How will health insurance be addressed?

If you are going into mediation, remember that every aspect of your financial life with your spouse has to be closely scrutinized. These will be weighed in terms of your lifestyle and your standards of living, both together and apart. You will need to itemize all household expenses, household contents, properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, vehicles, furniture, and other items of value. Make sure you take into account all childcare costs, including daycare, religious education, sports, and other after-school activities and lessons. Consider the cost of birthday parties attended, lunch money, school dues, clothing, and camp. If your children are young, adjust for expenses as they grow, and include those projections in your plan.

It’s best for you and your spouse to gather all of this information beforehand; doing this together can be useful. If you find yourselves disagreeing on something, set it aside. Agree to bring up all disputes only when you are with the mediator. If you can do this, then mediation might be the route for you. If you have problems with your spouse while gathering information, it may be a sign of bad times ahead.

How Emails Can Hurt Your Divorce Case

Do you communicate with your soon to be ex by email? If so, here is something you should know. Many divorce lawyers will tell you that email can make or break a divorce case. Remember that it is easy in the heat of anger to send an email that you will regret. With a letter, you at least have to put it in an envelope and put a stamp on it. This gives you time to change your mind. With email, once the button is pushed, it’s gone, and you can’t get it back. Don’t send any emails containing threats, emotional diatribes, or profanity. If you need to use email to negotiate things such as child visitation, stick to the facts.

If your spouse makes an email mistake in your favor, don’t delete it! Save it, print a copy for your lawyer. It might be the most useful evidence you will ever get. Respond briefly that the accusation is not true, without seeming angry. In some courts, silence in the face of an outrageous accusation might be seen as evidence that the accusation is true.

The key is to remember that you must stop and think before emailing, calling or text messaging your spouse. You do not know if your ex is taping your phone conversations. If you find yourself fighting with your spouse by email or phone, then it may be time to consider ceasing all communications and sending all messages to your ex only through your attorney.

The #1 Secret To A Successful Divorce

So what is the most crucial secret you need to know to have a successful divorce?
It is the simplest secret, yet the most difficult one to master: Controlling your emotions!
I coach many women who just can’t seem to understand and follow this one piece of advice. Usually by the time they come to see me they have made quite a mess of things. I have coached women who have been divorced for years and still can’t control their emotions when it comes to their ex-husband!
Granted you are going through one of the most difficult times you will ever face in your life, and so you may feel angry, hurt, sad, and confused.
It will take immense stamina and self-control, but you must get—and keep—control over your emotions. Your ability to do so will affect everything from how you fare financially to how your children adjust.
Losing control and showing emotion is how you lose this war. Do not be fooled, divorce is a war. You need to prepare for battle and master the art of winning the divorce war.
How do you control your emotions when you feel like you just want to scream?
1. Do not speak to your soon-to-be ex-husband unless absolutely necessary. When you do engage in conversation, speak only about your children or other important issues. Control the temptation to tell him that he is an idiot or you hate him! When you feel that you want to say something derogatory, get off the phone or walk away. Remember self-control!

2. Resist the urge to spy on him, ask neighbors and friends about what he is doing, or grill the kids about his girlfriend. I have known women to make prank calls to their husbands, drive by their ex’s homes repeatedly, and do other crazy things that were used against them in a courtroom. One woman was actually sued because she wrote a nasty comment about her ex’s girlfriend on the Internet. She didn’t even refer to this woman by name, but the implication was enough for the judge to give her a guilty verdict and a fine.

3. Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a bastard your ex-husband is! Anger is like a fire that needs fuel to grow. The more you talk negatively about your ex, the angrier you will become and thus increase the chance of losing your temper.

Overall, think about the outcome you desire. Do you want to have the judge presiding over your divorce respect you, or do you want to look like an angry, bitter wife who is out of control?
Most people lie in family court, which is why judges rely on their own impression of a couple to see if the husband or wife appears more credible. Your behavior outside of the courtroom is crucial. Out-of-control behavior will almost always wind up back in the courtroom and cost you dearly.
So see a therapist, meditate, do whatever it takes to gain self-control. This is imperative at every stage: when you are thinking about getting a divorce, during the process, or even if you are already divorced. Your ex-husband is not going to go away, unfortunately, so you will need to find a way to deal with him in a calm and dignified manner.

Three Potential Pitfalls To Watch Out For In Divorce Court

A court will usually assume that your ex-spouse’s income is that which he was earning after taxes prior to the divorce. But what if your ex was working off the books? What if he hardly paid any taxes? This is something you will have to deal with early in the divorce process, when the judge is determining support levels to be maintained during the actual settlement. If you have a spouse who is making a good living, but paying little or nothing in taxes, you must discuss this with your lawyer. It may be impossible to deal with this directly in court without shutting off your spouse’s income, or greatly reducing what he gets. In such a circumstance you may want to look into alternatives, such as large cash or property settlements, if they are possible.
If your spouse is still working, but is suddenly making much less at the moment of your divorce, make sure your lawyer knows this and, if necessary, points it out. At any point in the divorce, or post-decree proceedings, a judge will become suspicious of someone who was making a decent living prior to a divorce and is suddenly broke.
Another problem comes with “disability.” Many men develop disabilities the moment they see support payments ahead. Don’t stand for it. Again, unless they can bring in a doctor and prove their disability, this won’t fly in the courtroom.

How To Survive Financially During A Divorce

What do you do if you have very little cash and are facing a divorce?First make a list of all of the available credit in your name. Check all of your credit cards for the credit limits and how much is owed. You may be surprised at how much open credit you actually have. During my own divorce I was shocked when I found a $10,000 open credit limit on a Visa card I had hardly used. That card put food on the table when my husband refused to pay spousal and child support. When the divorce is final you can liquidate assets and pay these debts, but for now credit is the lifeline of the cash-strapped spouse.

Whatever your situation, stay strong and in control. Might there be a relative or friend that you could borrow from until the divorce is over? If there are assets, such as equity in the marital home, you might be able to persuade an attorney to hold off on payment until the divorce is final. Lawyers recognize potential assets more readily than most creditors. Also, the court may award attorneys’ fees in some jurisdictions, in some cases, and if your attorney is willing to wait, that is more cash in your pocket. However, you should never plan on an award of fees from the court. Remember that ultimately, you may have to pay your lawyer, even if you believed the Court would make your spouse pay your attorneys’ fees.

Do not be shy when it comes to asking for help. Being in a tough situation is nothing to be ashamed of. You will be surprised at how people will go out of their way to help you when the chips are down. You just have to ask.

Getting Ready for Divorce Court

The process may vary depending upon what state you are in but it generally will go something like this: on your first court date you will be assigned a judge who will preside over your case. At this preliminary conference the judge will consult with both attorneys, and set deadlines for each stage of the divorce. At this conference the court will look at the information gathered by both sides, and the legal process of the divorce will begin. At this time the judge will probably set amounts of child and spousal support. These are the amounts your spouse is to pay from now until the divorce is final. This is often referred to as pendente lite (pronounced “pendentay leetay”) support, meaning “pending decision”. Although these amounts aren’t automatically those that you will receive once the divorce is final, they are crucial in their importance. Whatever the judge says now will set an informal precedent for what happens later. You want these amounts to be at or above your final goal.

Make sure that the court directs your spouse to send these payments to your local child support enforcement agency. They will forward the payments to you, and keep track of what is owed. Always go through this agency. Although they may be slow with enforcement, they have the ability to garnish your spouses’ wages and bank accounts and enforce bench warrants. If your spouse falls behind in payments you will be able to utilize this agency instead of having to pay your attorney to enforce support collection. Some states, however, will not permit this arrangement unless there is a history of non-payment, preferring to let the parties handle it themselves.

As in any court trial, divorce will have a discovery phase. In a divorce this is when each party is required to disclose proof of all finances. You will also have to answer the Interrogatories. This is a long questionnaire asking for detailed information about your finances and other marital issues. These will identify issues of disagreement that must be brought before the judge. Remember, the more problems you need the judge to fix, the more court dates you will have to attend and every time you go to court you pile up legal fees.

Using Your Ex's Bad Habits in Divorce Court

Make a list of all of your spouse’s bad habits. Is there gambling? Smoking? Drugs? Liquor? Some amusements, like strip clubs and porn, can eat up the biggest paycheck. Keep your ears open. Friends, relatives, and even your children may spill the beans about your ex. You have to be alert, but be careful of letting yourself go with this. Don’t sink to the level of the dirt you’re searching for. Don’t grill the kids about daddy, and don’t shatter good friendships, or alienate those who truly love you. If your kids innocently mention something worthwhile, make a record of it. If a friend volunteers information, or if you want to ask for it in an honest manner, get everything you can. But hold on to your own integrity. Don’t deceive.
As you gather your information, weave all of your spouse’s bad behaviors into your motions. Expose everything in a way that shows the necessary connections. But also, don’t go overboard here either: If he is paying his support and you are primarily fighting about assets, do not tell the judge he goes to go-go bars!
There is no reason to intentionally hurt your spouse. You need only prove the points necessary to your case. If he is not paying his support then the judge needs to know what he is doing with his money. If he is getting more than his fair share of assets the judge needs a clear picture of what assets you each have, and who has what claims.
Always remember that what you put out in public can always come back at you. If you are going to use your divorce as a tool to get even only heartache can come to you. What goes around comes around.

Five Tips on Working Successfully with Your Divorce Attorney

Divorce lawyers are expensive. You need to be proactive and know what is going on with your case at all times. Do not be afraid to ask your attorney questions. Too often we will sit back and assume that our attorney will do what's right and we put trust in someone who may or may not have our best interests at heart. There are reputable divorce lawyers out there, but you first need to weed out the money hungry ones who will take your retainer, file useless paperwork and drain your bank account before you even get a court date. Do not pick your attorney in haste. Go to your local family court and find out which divorce attorney has the best reputation in town and hire him or her.

Once you have hired your new divorce attorney, here are some simple rules to follow:

1. Beware of an attorney who takes a smaller retainer but does not file motions. Some spouses wait for months on end to get court orders for spousal and child support because their attorneys did not file the necessary motions.

2. Remember that when you speak to your attorney on the phone you are being charged per minute. Don’t make the mistake of chatting on and on. Get to the point and use a timer. If it is a routine question, such as the date of a hearing, speak with the support staff rather than the attorney. Time for support staff is often not billed, and if it is the fee is at a much lower rate than an attorney.

3. Follow your attorney’s advice to the letter. These people go to law school; they should know what they are doing. Making stupid mistakes, like calling your spouse repeatedly, picking fights, and not protecting yourself, can lead to bills, violence, and restraining orders. You should limit all contact with your spouse. Only discuss your children and any business you may have together. Let the lawyers do the talking for you whenever possible. That’s what they are paid for.

4. Follow the law. The most important thing you can have is self-control. There will be times when you want to act out, call your spouse names, or be vengeful. These actions can only land you in hot water. Taking your spouse’s credit card on a shopping spree can give you legal troubles you simply do not need.

5. You have hired an attorney to protect you legally. That attorney is also a huge expense and you want to keep track of what you are being charged. Keep a log of every meeting, phone call, and their durations. Also it is a good idea to record in a journal any incidents with your spouse, so that it will be easier to recall the details in court later on.

Most of all, know that although this is one of the most painful times of your life, you will survive. Finding the right attorney will give you confidence in your case. Your attorney is working for you and together you can plan for and obtain the best possible outcome.