Has Your Divorce Made You Fat?...

Divorce is one of the most painful life experiences you can encounter, so it is no wonder that people gain weight after a divorce. If you have used food for comfort in the past, you are at high risk for overeating during a divorce. Filling yourself up with the foods you love can temporarily relive the pain. That is until you step on the scale and beat yourself up for gaining weight.

Some people will go to the opposite extreme and actually lose weight during a divorce. They completely lose their appetites. Others will reach for alcohol, prescription drugs or worse to soothe the pain. No matter what you use, it is a temporary fix. The pain you feel will be there to greet you again after you have finished that bag of chips or drank that bottle of wine.

Unfortunately, there is no magic solution. There is nothing out there that can ease the intense pain and suffering you are going through right now. Only time and allowing yourself to experience the grief and sadness can make you feel better.Working through and releasing your emotions in a healthy way is the best medicine. So let it out by punching a pillow, writing a letter to your ex and burning it and allowing yourself to have a good cry. Try to look for other, healthier ways to release your emotions instead of using food to make yourself feel better.

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What Do People Really Think About Your Divorce?

With the divorce rate so high, most people know someone who is divorced. In this day and age, we would think that the old stigmas of the past about divorce are gone. But do people secretly judge you for getting a divorce?

They won't say it out loud of course, but what really runs through someone's mind when you tell them your divorced? Do they pity you or blame you?

It is interesting because I think even divorced people judge each other. I recently met a man who told me he was going through a divorce and I have to admit I caught myself thinking "Why is he getting a divorce? Was he a jerk to his wife? Did he cheat?" It then hit me that maybe these are things people are thinking about me as a divorced woman!

Women may see a divorced man and question whether he is at fault and men might look at a divorced women and think the same thing about her. Thoughts like "Maybe she was a terrible wife or maybe she cheated" might run through their minds. Unfortunately, we are a society that loves to judge others. It has become second nature to judge everybody and everything we see as good or bad.

We have come along way with accepting divorcees in society, many years ago a divorced woman was looked down upon, even if the divorce was not her fault. But I think a divorce stigma, although unspoken, still exists. Maybe if we looked upon divorce differently, as an ending to a relationship that did not work and could not be fixed we could suspend our judgements and not view a divorce as a personal failure.

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Are You Scared to be Single Again?

With all of the doom and gloom about the economy bombarding us every time we turn on the TV, it is no wonder people are fearful. With job loss at an all time high, the high rate of foreclosures and a plummeting stock market, most people are nervous. if you are married and your spouse loses his job, you may have to live on one income. But if you are single and lose your income there may be no income coming in at all.

It can be scary to be divorced and single again. At least when you were married there was someone there to share your fears with. Together, you knew you could get through tough times . Now you are all alone and may have to be the primary caregiver and breadwinner in your family. This can feel overwhelming. You may even wonder why you got divorced in the first place. Was your marriage really that bad?

It is easy to let the fear take over but you need to take a deep breath and have some faith in yourself. You will be okay. Being single has many benefits, one is that you are free to call your own shots and create your life exactly how you want it to be. If you feed into all of the negativity that surrounds us nowadays and panic, you will see your worst fears realized.

Being responsible for your own financial and emotional well being can be frightening but it can also be empowering. Now is the time to take control of your emotions and face your fears. Some singles may be tempted to jump back into a relationship again to gain security, but is having so called security worth your freedom and happiness?

Hang in there and have faith. Things will improve, despite all of the dire warnings to the contrary. We will all get through these tough times. By being hopeful and having confidence in yourself as a single person, you will make it on your own.

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Health Insurance and Divorce: What You Need to Know

If you are going through a divorce and are a stay at home parent, you need to make sure that your soon to be ex does not take you off the family health insurance plan. You may be thinking that your spouse cannot legally remove you from the policy, but that is not true. Technically, the court will agree that health benefits stay in place until the divorce is final, just like they say that no martial assets are to be sold, but the reality is that these things happen anyway, despite the court's warnings.

During my own divorce, my ex sold martial assets and removed me from the family health insurance plan. He was given a verbal warning from the court but no action was taken against him. I was forced to find and pay for new health insurance.

If you are not employed, finding affordable, decent health insurance is not easy nowadays. Try and prevent loss of health insurance by making sure your lawyer informs your spouse's lawyer that you need your health coverage continued. You should also have a clause added in your final divorce agreement that your spouse will continue to provide health insurance benefits until you can find an affordable policy on your own. Remember, if you have a pre-existing condition and then lose your benefits for a certain amount of time, the pre-existing condition may not be covered on your next plan.

Also, make sure to spell out clearly in your divorce agreement who will put the children on their health insurance plan and include exactly who pays for the deductibles, co-payments and any uncovered expenses. If your children will need braces, work out an agreement now on who will pay and exactly how much each parent will be responsible for. You can prevent many conflicts and problems with your ex post-divorce by taking the time now to include these issues in your divorce agreement.

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Should Cheaters Pay More in the Divorce?

I read recently that the state of Arizona is reconsidering it's policy on "no fault" divorce. Meaning they may now allow a judge to consider evidence of an affair and compensate the "injured" party monetarily.

Some states do allow a divorcing couple to bring in evidence of an affair or abuse while many others do not consider it at all. I was divorced in New Jersey and was very surprised when my lawyer told me that judge did not care that my husband was having an affair and that assets were divided based on equitable distribution only, not emotional or physical damage.

What I think is unfair in no fault divorce states is when a cheater spends martial funds on the girlfriend or boyfriend. This should be considered. I also believe the person who has been cheated on and did not want the divorce should be awarded additional assets for pain and suffering. I know a woman whose husband cheated and gave her herpes. Logic would dictate that she should be financially compensated for pain and suffering because of her husband's actions.

The downside to allowing evidence of an affair in the divorce courtroom would be longer courtroom battles and more more legal fees. Producing proof of a spouses' affair might also require hiring a private investigator. But maybe if people knew they might have to pay more in their divorce settlement if they cheated, they might reconsider cheating in the first place.

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A Christmas Present for the Ex?

A divorce presents many new challenges and many are ones you probably have never thought of before. When you have small children, the issue of getting your ex a present for Christmas arises. Should you buy a gift for your ex for your kids to give?

Your ex may be the last person on earth you want to buy a present for, but it is important for your kids to be able to give presents to their parents on the holidays. You may be thinking that since your ex does not get a present for you from the kids, why should you bother? But I believe that if your child has asked about getting a present for daddy or mommy, you should buy something small for your children to give.

Remember, this is not about you or your ex, it is about making your children, who do not have money on their own or the ability to go shopping, feel good. Imagine how sad a child would feel, wanting give a present to their parent and not being able to? Of course, if it really kills you to spend a dime on the ex, then have your child make a homemade gift.

I took a photo of my kids under the Christmas tree and ordered an 8x10 and some wallets for my ex as a gift from the kids. I know he will like that and my kids will feel like they gave dad something for Christmas. It was also very inexpensive.

So even though your ex may be on your naughty list and deserve a lump a coal instead of a gift, try being the better person and make your kids happy by providing them with a small gift to give on Christmas to their mom or dad.

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5 Divorce Dirty Tactics You Need to Know About.....

Unfortunately, many divorces turn ugly and it is usually due to one partner resorting to dirty divorce tactics. The spouse who decides to implement these tactics feels desperate and out of control and will do anything to hurt his or her spouse. You need to be aware of these dirty divorce tactics so that you can protect yourself during your divorce. Warning: If you are someone who thinks that using any of these tactics will help you in your divorce, think again. These tactics always backfire. The courts are well aware of them and if you use any of these against your spouse, you will be the one who pays for it in the end.

Here they are:

1. Filing a phony restraining order. This is also know as an order of protection. Your ex decides that he wants you out of the house so he makes up false allegations of abuse. This is also done to get custody of the children.

2. Fling for sole custody of the children. A spouse who files for custody when he or she knows that the other parent has been the primary caregiver and the children are being well care for does this for several reasons. It is the ultimate way to hurt the other spouse and extract revenge. It is also done as a ploy to avoid paying child support.

3. Claiming to be disabled. This tactic is used to reduce alimony and child support payments. A spouse will suddenly come down with a disability and claim he or she can no longer earn the amount of money they have been earning throughout the marriage.

4. Selling and hiding assets. Hiding money in bank accounts that are out of state or in another country or selling assets to friends or family members for a fraction of their value on paper and then pocketing the cash are some examples of devious divorce tactics a divorcing person may use.

5. Refusing to mediate or settle the divorce. A person who does this wants their spouse to suffer and does not care how much money is spent in attorney fees. They are so hurt and full of rage that by prolonging the divorce, they feel they have some sort of control.

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Why You Should See a Shrink During Your Divorce...

Seeing a therapist, counselor or psychologist is a good idea when you are going through a divorce for obvious reasons. Your life has been turned upside down and talking to someone who is trained to help people experiencing feelings of anger, grief and sadness can help you get through this difficult time. There is another reason, however to seek professional help that many divorcing people overlook.

If you are engaged in a nasty divorce battle or have reason to believe your divorce is heading down that road, having an established relationship with a mental health professional is an asset. This person can testify for you in court and vouch for you. If your spouse starts hurling accusations in court that are untrue, like accusing you of being mentally unbalanced, an unfit mother, having anger issues, etc., there is no one more qualified than your therapist or psychologist to submit evidence to the contrary on your behalf.

It is also crucial to have your children in counseling. Again, it helps them tremendously deal with the pain of the divorce but it also protects you somewhat should you face a custody battle. A neutral health professional can act on the behalf of your children in court and be there mouth piece.

Seeking help during your divorce is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is something that you can do to help yourself and your children get through one of life's toughest times. Having someone there that you can trust to talk to every week is a comfort and relieves some of the pressure and anxiety the divorce has caused.

When your Ex Blames You for the Divorce....


Does your ex refuse to take any responsibility for your divorce? Is the divorce "all your fault" even though your ex may have been the one who has cheated or been abusive? If so, you may be frustrated and baffled at how your ex cannot accept any blame. It may be obvious that your ex's actions caused the breakup of the marriage ,yet he or she goes on blaming you.

Believe it or not, this is typical in many divorces. The person who had the affair or acted in other ways that contributed to the demise of the marriage turns the tables and blames their spouse. It actually makes sense when you think about it. If your ex was to admit wrongdoing, he or she would feel guilty and have to face those emotions. It is easier to blame you and not have to deal with the shame and guilt.

A recent example of this is the book actor Alec Baldwin wrote after his nasty divorce to actress Kim Basinger. He rallies against the legal system, placing blame on everyone except himself. Even after he called his daughter a "thoughtless, rude, little pig" he blamed his ex. He excused his actions by saying "parental alienation" drove him to verbally abuse his child. In all fairness, we all lose our tempers with our kids and he may have experienced parental alienation, but I don't think Alec Baldwin is ready yet to look at himself and see how he is the creator of his own life and experiences.

Yes, your ex can push your buttons but ultimately it is you who decides to react in anger. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to to do. We all have free choice. A person who cheats may say that their ex was cold and unloving, but no one forced them to have an affair, they made that decision freely. You could say your ex made you so angry, you lashed out verbally or physically. But again, you made that choice.

So the next time your ex tries to place the blame on you for the divorce, you can make a different choice. Instead of feeling angry, frustrated and feeling the need to justify why your ex is the one responsible, you can choosee to let it go and understand your ex cannot face the truth without also facing some very painful emotions he or she may be unwilling to deal with at this time.

Feeling Down About Your Divorce? ...

Divorce is often a very negative experience that can overwhelm you and take over your life. Day after day your think about your ex, the divorce and grieve the loss of your marriage. Add in feelings of anger, betrayal and shock that your marriage is over and you have a recipe for long term depression.

When thoughts of the divorce consume you, you need to try and get some emotional relief. The more you dwell on the divorce and your ex, the more angry and hurt you feel. Just because the marriage has ended it does not mean that your life has ended too. It may feel that way at times and that is normal, but all too often a divorce saps the energy from you and leaves you with feelings of hopelessness and despair.

You need to move your thoughts away from the divorce and replace them with thoughts that feel better. The key is to catch yourself in a negative thought before it spirals out of control. As soon as you start thinking about what a rotten ex you have or how unfair your divorce is, that is your cue to stop and turn your thoughts around. Obviously you are not going to be able to suddenly think positively about the situation, but you can distract yourself by doing things that make you happy.

Start by making a list of the 10 things you enjoy doing most. Maybe you have a particular hobby you enjoy, love to read or like to take walks on the beach. Whatever it is, go out and do it. By forcing yourself to get out of the house and stop the negative chatter in your mind, you will start attracting better thoughts and circumstances into your life. Little by little, the pain you feel about your divorce will start to fade into the background and then one day you will find yourself not thinking about your ex or the divorce at all.