Friday, February 27, 2009


Getting Back Together with an Abuser..
I just read on people.com that singer Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together after he was arrested several weeks ago for allegedly beating and threatening her. How sad. It makes me think about all of the married women who are abused and yet cannot escape their abuser.
I had an aunt whose husband beat her up regularly. My father told the story of how, after my aunt had been hit yet again by her husband, he went to her house and beat up his brother-in-law. As he was hitting him, my aunt jumped on my father and screamed "Don't hurt him!". My father was shocked that she would defend her own abuser. The abuse finally stopped for my aunt when her husband left her. He also left his 6 daughters, never to be seen again and never sending one dime of child support.
Why would a woman defend, forgive and take back someone who hurts them? I think is is a combination of low self-esteem and psychological manipulation on the part of the abuser. For Rihanna, we see a beautiful, young, famous, wealthy woman who is not trapped with an abuser because she has no where to go or no income. Does she really "love" someone who is capable of hurting her so badly or is she addicted to someone she thinks she cannot live without?
Looking at an abusive marriage or relationship from the outside, you want to tell the woman to please get out, to protect herself and end the abuse. But the reality is many women will stay in an abusive relationship until it is too late. If you are reading this and are being abused, please know that you are worthy of respect, love and kindness. No one deserves to be hurt, either emotionally or physically. If you cannot think highly enough of yourself to leave, then do it for your kids or family or even for the man you claim to love. Allowing yourself to be abused does not help the abuser. You become an enabler and your abuser will never get the help he so desperately needs if you continue to be his punching bag. Gather your inner strength and stand up for yourself. Believe that you are a worthwhile, valuable person who deserves to be in a healthy, safe, loving relationship.

13 comments:

Molly Kay Frandson said...

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Translation Divorce said...

If someone hits you, even once, get out. Simple.

trisha said...

Having made the difficult decision to split, it can be incredibly stressful for couples to then have to live together – and to not know when this property limbo will end.

Tulsa Divorce Attorneys said...

I think I speak for EVERYONE when I state that domestic abuse or hitting your spouse is NEVER the right answer

-Daniel

Michelle said...

Speaking from experience, I never want to get back with an abusive man due to the physical and mental stress it brings to me and my son, which is why I asked for the help of the lawyer on family law (Jacksonville, Florida based firm) to get this so-called relationship severed off once and for all.

Currently, I've been living with my son in peace while working hard to support him in addition to the child support I regularly receive due to the effort of my Jacksonville family lawyer.

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newbie2pro said...

Domestic abuse is never the right answer but it can come as a shock. You really want to believe it was a one off because your instincts say this can't be the person I married. Some are won't tolerate it and others are not so strong but always remember when you have been hit once it will sadly always accelerate.

Unknown said...

I'm so scared of what might happen. My husband is using the divorce to control me, on top of the abuse, rape, and mental torture I've already suffered at his hand. I paid for every cent of the house that my husband kicked me out of. The courts granted him use of it despite me submitting irrefutable evidence that I paid for it. I just want to go home and for him to leave me alone but he's doing everything he can drag me through the mud. I'm so afraid of what he might do next.

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Tulsa Divorce Atttorney said...

Domestic abuse is a complicated paradigm. Generally the victim is suffering from lack of fulfillment of a base level need (safety, protection, etc.) and therefore has a hard time seeing past the abuse. The abuser may treat the victim terribly, but he/she is all the victim has.

I used to work in law enforcement and prosecuted domestic violence case. I became too familiar with the recanting victim who was willing to take the abuser back one more time. I also know of many instances where a victim would call the police and when the police arrive would turn on the police in defense of the abuser. Its hard to wrap your head around, but it is very normal for a person who is stuck in such a horrible situation.

If anyone would like more information on domestic abuse and how it can relate to family law issues and divorce, contact me at my website: Tulsa Divorce Attorney.

Domestic violence is unacceptable and we must work together to stop the silence and stop the violence.

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