Depression And Divorce

Divorce stirs up many negative emotions. Especially in the beginning of a divorce, when you are in a state of shock. Next is usually a period of anger and that is followed by sadness and loss. Acceptance comes much later, and for some people never comes at all.

Even if you were the one who initiated the divorce, you probably will feel down at times. If your spouse has asked for a divorce, your emotions can run the gamut from anger to depression. Especially if the reason for the break up was an affair or the divorce was completely unexpected.

Recently we heard of actor Owen Wilson's tragic suicide attempt. Although drug use and depression are rumored to be the cause, his recent breakup with actress Kate Hudson might also play a role.

How a person reacts to the end of a relationship or a marriage depends on the person's state of mind before the breakup and the circumstances surrounding it. Feelings of depression, listlessness, loss of appetite and just not wanting to face another day can become serious. It can be perfectly normal for someone experiencing a divorce to go through a temporary stage of mild depression. If it continues for more than a few months or if you have thoughts of suicide, you need to get professional help immediately.

Remember, divorce is a life altering event. Your life had been turned upside down and there are many conflicting feelings you will experience. Make sure to take the time to go through the stages of grief,just as you would do mourning the death of a loved one. You are in fact, mourning the death of you marriage, the death of your plans for the future and the life you once knew.

Although depression can be common during divorce, take care of your emotional and physical health and make sure to seek help when needed.

Some Reasons For Adultery

Why do people commit adultery? There are many reasons a man or woman might give for being unfaithful. The most common reason is he or she claims to be "unhappy" in his or her marriage. They think that by having an affair they can escape the drudgery of daily life and live out a secret fantasy with their lover.

The person who cheats feels jaded and disappointed in life. They no longer feels young and are desperate to recapture the carefree days of their youth. The responsibilities of caring for children, working and pleasing a spouse have become too much. They yearn to escape, to go back to a simpler time in life when they were free to do as they please.

Most of the people who cheat do not want to end their marriages. They want their families,the illusion of a happy home life and the excitement of a lover too. Usually when they are caught they are forced to make a decision. Either their spouse asks for a divorce or they leave their spouse and family for their lover.

Some common excuses for adultery are that their spouse has let him or herself go physically, they are no longer interested in sex or they nag all of the time. These excuses are used as justifications for betrayal. These people will grasp onto to anything to assuage the guilt they may feel over cheating .I actually spoke to man who was having an affair who said he "felt like he was drowning and his lover was his life raft".

Although a person may be in a miserable marriage and unhappy it does not give him or her the right to go out and bring another person into the marriage. Finding out your spouse is having an affair is one of the most devastating emotions you can experience. The betrayal cuts like a knife. Anyone who has went through it can tell you it takes years to heal from that kind betrayal.

If a someone is in an unhappy marriage, they can make a different choice. They can make the choice to tell their spouse they want a divorce. They can make the choice to seek marriage counseling. They can make choices that do not involve hurting other people. Men and women who are tempted to cheat need to take responsibility and become accountable for their unhappiness instead of blaming others. If leaving the marriage is the only option , they need to stand up and do what is right by telling their spouse they want a divorce, instead of taking the cowardly way out.

How To Introduce Your New Boyfriend To The Kids

One lesson you must learn is: Don’t introduce your children to your new boyfriend too quickly. If your new boyfriend has children you may be tempted to bring your children together, especially if finding sitters is a problem. The danger is that if you break up, both your kids and his might become confused. They will still want to be friends, not understanding that their parents no longer date. Imagine making a new friend and not being able to play with that friend because your parents do not get along. That can be devastating to a child.

Another potential problem is the attachment your children might develop to your boyfriend. If things don’t work out, then the kids are left with feelings of abandonment by an adult they’ve grown to trust and love. As you enter into other relationships, their confusion will be compounded. If they have a troubled relationship with their father and are now looking up to your boyfriend as a father figure, a break up can be emotionally scarring.

It might be best to wait a few months before your new boyfriend meets your kids. That way you can slowly introduce him into their lives. Keeping your boyfriend distant from your children may be tough, but you must think of their feelings. Kids want mom and dad together. They are often traumatized by the divorce and they will often embrace or repel newcomers too quickly. Take it slow; it will save a lot of heartbreak.

How To Get Temporary Spousal Support During Your Divorce

An important issue you must be aware of when beginning your divorce proceedings is that you may be entitled to temporary spousal and child support. All too often I hear from women who are not receiving any spousal or child support while waiting to reach a divorce settlement. This can be financially devastating. It can take months or even years to reach an agreement with your ex. Unfortunately many women are not aware that they can go to court and file a motion to receive temporary spousal and child support. It amazes me how many divorce lawyers do not file a motion for temporary support.

If you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement in your divorce you can get a date in court before a Family Court Judge. This is referred to as a Pendente Lite hearing. The Judge can decide on issues such as the award of temporary child custody and support, temporary spousal support, temporary use and possession of the home, and other divorce related issues.

Remember that the results are temporary but the decision can give you some much need financial support while waiting for your divorce to become final. If you cannot settle your divorce in a timely manner, you will at least have the temporary support order to hold you over and give you time to prepare for trial.

Are You An Overwhelmed Single Mom?

Today was the first day of school here in Florida. As I searched stores looking for the school supplies my three younger kids require this year, I started to feel some resentment towards my ex-husband.

The fact is that I am responsible for all of their new school clothes, back packs, sneakers and supplies. I am the one who has to organize everything, sign all of their paperwork , and make sure their homework is done. I take them to after school activities, go food shopping and clean the house. Oh did I mention that I also have work and make money to support the kids too?

My ex on the other hand, only has to worry about going to work and paying his child support. He has no involvement in any of the daily responsibilities of child care. We have recently moved out of state, but even when we lived 15 minutes away from each other, he rarely took on any of the many responsibilities of parenthood.

Single moms across the country will get their kids ready for school this year and take on the role of both mother and father once again. To the fathers out there that take an active role in their children lives and help co-parent their children, I applaud you. To the single moms, just like me, who struggle each day to be the best mom they can be, tired and stressed from the huge weight of responsibility on their shoulders, you are heroes.

Instead of resentment towards my ex, I will choose today a different emotion. I am grateful to have my children and to be their mom. I get to be a daily witness in their every changing young lives. Although I may be tired, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

How To Behave Inside The Divorce Courtroom

How you behave in the courtroom during your divorce will have an impact on how your case is decided. Make sure to stay calm and in control at all times in the courtroom. Let your lawyer take the lead. Keep your mouth shut. Your attorney speaks for you here, and you should remain silent unless your attorney, or the judge, directs you to speak. When the judge speaks, pay attention. He is the one who decides things, so he is the most important person there. Don’t whisper in your attorney’s ear. If you do whisper, remember that sometimes the microphones at the table are very sensitive, and what you say may be recorded by the courtroom audiotape, and heard by the Court Reporter, even if nobody else hears you.

You may take notes while the judge is speaking, and if you need to you may show these to your attorney, but wait until the judge has finished speaking. This won’t be easy. At times you’ll feel ready to burst. At times you’ll feel angry, and there will be moments when you’ll want to cry. Someone may say something that begs for sarcastic reaction. Pretend you don’t hear. If your attorney is saying something that’s incorrect, or if you feel he or she needs clarification on a point, that’s what your notepad is for. Use it and use it directly.

To the judge you want to look sympathetic, yet intelligent, confident, and secure. Do not twirl your hair, play with your keys, or fix your makeup. Sit upright, and pay attention to every word that is being said. Your future is at stake. Do not look at your ex or his attorney. If your ex takes the stand, remain calm. This may be the most difficult thing for you. He may lie. He may twist every situation. At the very least he will have a view of the situation that is totally opposed to yours. That’s why you are here. Don’t lash out. Don’t lose your temper. Outbursts are not allowed in the courtroom. You must remain composed at all times. And above all, do not make funny faces or expressions of disbelief. Even if they are genuine, the judge may think you are play-acting, and won’t appreciate it. Your future, and that of your children, depends on how you control your behavior in the courtroom.

How To Let Go Of Anger Towards Your Ex

Have you been divorced for awhile and still can’t stand your ex-husband? If your husband has a new girlfriend or has remarried, you may feel like he does not deserve to be happy. I am sure you have met women who talk badly about their ex-husbands years after the divorce is final. They just can't seem to let ago and move on with their lives. It is normal to feel resentful and hurt seeing the man who was once your husband, the love of your life, with another woman. No matter who ended the relationship or the circumstances surrounding the divorce, it is only natural that your ex's relationship with stir up negative emotions. So what can you do to get rid of these negative feelings?

Letting go after divorce is a challenge. Seeing your ex-husband in a happy new relationship reinforces the fact that your marriage is over. Although you may be still grieving that loss, your ex has clearly moved on. That is painful. You haven't properly mourned the death of your marriage yet.

You need to go through the process of releasing your negative emotions towards him. Write him a letter and don’t hold back, tell him how much he has hurt you and turned your world upside down. Pull out all of the angry thoughts and feelings you have for him.

When you are done, go outside and burn the letter. This will signify releasing all of that negative pent up energy that has been stored inside of you for years. You will feel great relief. By finally letting go, you will discover a new, happier life, free from the anger and hate that is poisoning you now.

Feel Like Your Divorce Will Never End?

Although it may feel as though your divorce will never end and you will be caught in a vicious cycle of divorce lawyers and court dates, one day soon this divorce will be over and a new chapter of your life will begin. It may seem so far away for those of you just beginning your divorce or who are in the process of divorce. Some of you reading this are already divorced and dealing with the aftermath and the many questions that arise. So when your divorce truly “ends” will depend entirely on you. Your divorce is not over on the day that the judge signs your final divorce order. It ends when you have straightened out your financial affairs. It ends when you no longer look at your ex and are filled with rage and hate. It also will be over when you have learned to rely on yourself and find out that you actually enjoy your own company.

You are an independent, strong woman who has been through an emotionally draining, life-changing ordeal. But guess what? Your divorce has now made you a stronger person. Someone who can handle anything life throws her way.

You may be reading this and thinking that you do not feel very strong right now. Your divorce may have appeared to take the life out of you. But do not be fooled. Just when you think you cannot take anymore, you find your inner strength and you are amazed at what you can do.
Have faith and trust that this too shall pass and you will begin a new and exciting life, better than before.

Chasing After A Deadbeat Parent-Is It Worth It?


Have you been trying unsuccessfully to get a deadbeat parent to pay the child support he owes? If so, then you know that each court date and each decision in the process takes an emotional toll. This debilitation can often become a physical drain as well. The cost of chasing a deadbeat is paid in more than money. While you need to do all you can to get support for your children, you must also temper your efforts with an attitude of peace and acceptance.

If you have done all you can, exhausting every avenue, it may be time to let go. At such a point you must use that energy to accent the positives in your life. You may find that the time spent on pursuit is better spent on furthering yourself and your career. That’s not to say that you should ever let a deadbeat ex off the hook. But you can’t allow the battle to destroy you either.

I have learned all of this the hard way. Though my ex-husband now pays his child support, I have come to see that I will always have to be the chief breadwinner for my family. I realize now that ultimately the only person I can rely on is myself. With that in mind, I work on my career and focus on improving myself. That way I will always be able to provide the income that my kids need and deserve.

In any future fight I would not allow myself to fall victim to the emotional devastation I felt the first time. My energy now is devoted to positive thoughts and outcomes. I am a true believer in “what you think about, is what you get.” I choose to surround myself with positive people and things and have had great results from doing so. Money flows easier to those who have positive energy. Things go smoother, and you feel happier. Never let your ex-spouse’s actions affect your peace and happiness. It is just not worth it.

The Top Five Things Your Ex Does To Drive You Crazy

Is your ex driving you crazy? Here are five of the most common things ex-husband's do to push our buttons and aggravate us. Please feel free to add anymore you can think of in your comments!

1. He is late paying child support and alimony
2. Badmouths you in front of your children
3. Shows up at your home uninvited
4. Let's his new girlfriend babysit your kids on his weekends
5. Cancels his scheduled visitation with the kids because he "has something to do"

Divorce Court Etiquette


First of all, remember that appearances count. The judge probably doesn’t know you, so you will be making a first impression. Dress appropriately for court. That means dress with care and respect, as you would for a business lunch with a group of conservative professional people (such as clergymen or schoolteachers). No jeans, nothing sexy or provocative, and no garish makeup. Certainly hide any tattoos or piercing. Wear your hair in a simple, neat style. You want to look sensible and responsible.

The same should be true of how you act. Remember what your mother said, and mind your manners. You should do this in any public part of the courthouse. The only place where you might have an excuse to let go is if there is a private, sealed-off room where you meet with your attorney. Otherwise remain quiet and calm at all times while in the courthouse. Don’t allow clerks, officers, or anyone else there to witness arguments, shouting matches, or anything more than quiet civilities between you and your spouse. Remember that sometimes the judge’s clerk has a lot of influence on the final decision. Don’t think that because the judge is out of the room that nobody is watching you and it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s best to have no contact with the opposition at all. Contact is the job of your attorney.

Dealing with Friends And Family During Divorce

In a divorce it is not just mom, dad, and the kids who are affected. Your parents, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunts, and friends are all drawn into the conflict. As you begin the divorce process, your tendency will be to think only of your most immediate world: home, children, and property. This is the core that is changing, but that can blind you to the larger world outside. As the process drags on you will discover that your entire range of relationships has changed. Some of these changes are sudden and huge. Others are far subtler.

Whose friend is whose? Will you ever see your in-laws again? What are the fault lines of your children’s loyalties? Will any of their friendships be affected? Much of this turns on the divorce process itself. The nastier it gets, the more difficult these questions become. Can you remain friends with the couple that is still on good terms with your ex? When you’re around them do you have to watch every word you say?

As with all issues of divorce, this one is easier if the split is amicable. If you and your ex are on friendly terms, that feeling will usually extend to his relatives. But if things have been ugly, then relationships change radically. The bitterness in a divorce tends to bleed into far too many other parts of one’s life.

When you are one of the people who are divorcing, you suffer not only the loss of a spouse, but a whole set of people you cared about. These may be people you spoke to candidly, folks with whom you shared holidays and vacations. You may have even thought of them as people you would confide in about anything. Suddenly they are cast into an enemy camp, and you wish you’d never said a word to them.

The easy thing to say is: be strong. The most important thing to say is: go to the friends and family who have stuck with you. When people turn against you, go to those people who are true to you. Your real friends won’t ask you to spell out everything, or to prove anything. They will simply give you love and support, and that is exactly what you need most now.

How To Handle The "I Am So Sorry You Are Divorced" Comment

It can be awkward for a recently divorced woman when she tells

someone she has gotten a divorce. For some reason, most people say

"Oh, I am so sorry". I think people are uncomfortable and do not know

what is the right thing to say to a divorced person. Since divorce is usually

a negative life event, offering condolences seems appropriate.

But what if you have come to accept your divorce and are happier than ever

being a single woman? Here are some snappy and possibly truthful comebacks that you can use that will lighten things up and put everyone at ease:

1." Don't be sorry, I lost 240 lbs!"( or whatever your ex weighed).

2. "Thank you for your concern, but I now have my king size bed all to myself

and best of all there is no snoring man sleeping in it!

3. " Honestly, being divorced isn't so bad. I have both closets, all of the drawer space

and do not have to worry about the toilet seat being left up"

If you keep a sense of humor I am sure you can come up with your own answer to the

"I am so sorry you are divorced" comment that is so popular today.

Ready To Date Again After Divorce?

Dating after divorce raises many issues, including sex. What are the rules? If it’s been awhile since you were single, a lot has changed.

So what are the new rules? When should you sleep with someone? The third date? Fourth? Longer? Figuring this out is never easy. Will you feel lonely, and jump into bed with someone too quickly? Or will you close yourself off emotionally and physically, and make yourself unapproachable?

You need to trust your own instincts and intuition. When a relationship feels right and you are ready to take the next step, then do it, but do what you can to be sure.

Losers are plentiful on the dating scene. Many of these are predators looking for nothing but a good time. Don’t become the cliché-divorced woman, easy and hungry for sex. Some men look for that. Be careful to avoid these losers.

Here are six pointers for getting back in the dating game:

· Always meet in a public place for your first few dates.
· Drive yourself there; do not have your date pick you up at your home.
· Practice safe sex. Always use a condom.
· Do not go back to his home or a motel until you feel you know this man and can trust him.
· Screen him thoroughly. Be choosy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.
· Follow your gut and trust yourself. If something does not seem right about your date, listen to your inner voice.

You can still have a good time and enjoy dating if you follow these simple rules.

About To File For Divorce? Two Things You Must Do Now

The next two steps should be taken only if you are certain the breakup is imminent. If you are about to ask your spouse to move, or if you are the one moving, withdraw half of all funds in all joint savings and checking accounts. These are the accounts that are in both of your names. The court may decide otherwise later, but for now, you are entitled to 50% of what’s in them. Take out your money. Leave the remainder for your spouse. While you may be legally entitled to withdraw all of the money in the joint accounts, you should consider what that would look like to the judge who decides your divorce case. If you withdraw only half, you will appear fair, even in the midst of turmoil. Make sure you keep the bank receipts from these transactions. You want to show that what you are taking is exactly half of what’s there on the date of the withdrawal.
Next you must cancel all joint credit cards. Also call and remove your spouse as an additional cardholder on any of your own credit cards. This action will of course alert your spouse that you are leaving, so it is best to do it immediately before leaving, or just before filing for divorce.
Are these extreme measures? Not if you have already decided to file for divorce. If your spouse decides on a split before you do, you may find yourself presented with a situation where all or most of these things have already been done. You may also find that the arrangements aren’t as fair as they should be. If you think your divorce will be amicable, answer this: Have you and your spouse talked about it quietly? Have you each hired an attorney, and selected a neutral mediator to help with the details? If this is not the case, and you have made your decision, and one person’s departure from the home is imminent, then you should take these actions now.

How To Save Money On Divorce Attorney's Fees

You will be able to save yourself thousands of dollars in attorney's fees by helping your lawyer prepare your motions. Remember, the more work you do, the less you have to pay your lawyer. Current divorce attorney rates range form $240 to $500 an hour, and this is not unusual for a large metropolitan area. You pay for the expertise, but sometimes you wind up paying the same rate for things they pass off to their clerks. You have the information, and as you go forward you’ll have a better idea of what you want the law to do. If you do the research, write the motion, and then give it to your attorney to review and edit, you’ll save money and time. Also, you can often focus more clearly on each goal.

Some attorneys, as a matter of professional pride, professional paycheck or both, will not necessarily appreciate you taking it upon yourself to write the motions. Remember to consult with your attorney before deciding that it will be done this way. However, if you do it this way, after your divorce is final, if your ex falls behind on support payments, or you need to modify support or visitation, you will be able to write a motion on your own and not have to pay your attorney.

How To Use Private Investigation To Collect From A Deadbeat

Are you relying on a state agency to help collect past due child support?

Sometimes state agencies drag their feet, and other times they simply can’t get the money. An ex-spouse may find ways to work under the table, or may disappear completely. If you are owed back support, and your state’s child support enforcement agency is not pursuing your ex, and you cannot find out where he works or he is working off the books, then you need to take action.

A little detective work is in order. If you still know people who keep up with your ex, see if you can get one to tell you who he works for. Where is the job? Can you get pictures of him working? Private investigators cost money, but if you were to hire one, these would be the first questions: Where does he work? When does he work there? How much does he make? Hire the investigator for as limited a job as possible. Once the investigator finds out where the job is, you or a friend may be able to do the rest.

There are online “detective agencies” that claim they can give access to bank accounts, whereabouts, and other information. I have tried a few. The results weren’t great. Remember: You can do a lot of investigating on your own and save yourself money. Keep your ears open. Mutual friends and family members are great sources of information. People love to talk. Once they are talking freely they often slip up. As with any other part of this process, this is not something where you want to use your children. However, don’t close your ears to what children say. If you find out key information simply make sure you can explain how you got it in some other way. Often if you simply confirm what you know through others, this can serve as your source. You don’t want to involve your children in any more conflict than you have to, and you don’t want your ex blaming them for something they may not have intended to do.
Deadbeat parents learn many tricks. One is to hide assets by putting them in the name of a girlfriend, new spouse, or parent. That way there is no bank account. Wages (particularly off-the-books payments) go straight into this other person’s bank account. Property is in another name. Your ex may even move to another state. The traveling deadbeat is the hardest one to catch.

In any of these situations you will need hard evidence in the courtroom. Hiring a private investigator may become a necessity. There comes a point where unless you come upon a lucky lead, you will need the skills of a professional. As long as you pick the right detective, and know what you want, your money will be well spent. There are also private agencies that are devoted to support enforcement. These agencies work on a contingency fee, meaning they do not charge you unless they are successful at collecting your support. They do take a percentage of the support collected. Do your homework and be careful when selecting a service like this. Find people who have used them. Call or email these people, and ask them questions about their experience. These groups can be useful, but, as with any support agency, the more you understand about your needs and their services, the better they will do. If you go online and look up “Child Support Enforcement” on yahoo.com or google.com, you will find several agencies to choose from.

The Guilty Single Mom Syndrome

Are you a single mom feeling overwhelmed and tired? Do you sometimes yell at your kids and lose your temper?

Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world. Having to do it alone is even harder. Single parents should feel proud of themselves for being able to do the job of two parents. Sometimes though we tend to be too hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not living up to what we feel the perfect parent is.

If you want to be a better parent, you must start making some time for yourself. By pushing yourself to the limit, you are not helping your children. Do you want them to see you as a tired, overworked, resentful mother? If not, then you need to find some creative ways to take back some control of your life.

You can start by grabbing a few hours each week for yourself. You need to devote one evening a week . I know most single moms cannot afford a sitter, so you have to get creative and brainstorm some ideas. Can you trade babysitting time with another overworked, single mom? You take her kids one night a week and she does the same for you. This way you both get some precious free time to regain your sanity and recharge.

Think outside of the box and I am sure you can come up with a few solutions. You must make this time for yourself. Your sanity and the emotional health of your children depend on it.

How To Help Your Child Cope With Anger During Divorce


Like any children, children of divorce know how to push our buttons. They will wear us down and wear us out if we don’t watch ourselves. Also, without even trying, they learn the game of making parents compete. Avoid this. Don’t buy them something new just because your ex did. If possible discuss purchases of such things as computers, games, iPods, TVs, vehicles, and just about anything that you may think is questionable from the viewpoint of money or maturity. Don’t try to one-up your spouse, and don’t try to keep up either. Talk about what your kids should have. Don’t let your kids dictate this by playing on your desire to be as good a provider as your ex.

Deep down every child wants parents to be together and happy. The underlying anger at the fact that this cannot happen simmers deep within them and can explode at any time. They might pick fights with their siblings, talk back, get in fights at school, and let their grades drop. They do these things to get attention. The child’s world has changed and he doesn’t like it. That anger must surface in order for us to deal with it.

Recognize that your child is having problems; do all you can to help. Some children never express their hurt and anger. This follows them into adulthood, showing up in stress-related behaviors and illnesses. Talk to your kids. Let them know it is okay to feel bad, but things will get better. How you behave and carry on with your life will be the direct indicator of how well your kids behave. Show them your strength, and your ability to survive and thrive. Explain that all things, both good and bad, happen for a reason; it’s how we deal with them that counts.

How to Get Out of Credit Card Debt and Repair Your Credit Score After Divorce

Rebuilding your life financially is never easy. Count on spending a lot of time and effort on this, especially if you went into debt during the divorce process. There were times when I paid my attorneys with credit cards. When the dust of my divorce battles finally cleared I was mired in debt. It took me awhile to straighten out my finances, but ultimately I was able to regain my financial health.

Have you rung up huge debts on the plastic? No matter how bad it looks, there are ways out. You just have to find the one that’s most sensible and realistic for you. If you received an asset like the marital home, you could refinance it and then negotiate payoff settlements with your creditors. Usually credit card companies will only talk to you about this option after you have stopped paying your bill each month and it has gone into collection. If it’s clear that you can’t pay it all, most of them will settle for anywhere from 50% to 70% of the debt. But remember if you haven’t been able to make payments, a large amount of what is owed is interest and late fees. You can also call your credit companies and ask them if they have any “plans” for hardship cases. If you tell them your story, they will most likely offer you a plan with reduced monthly payments and a lowered interest rate. If you are in a position to pay your credit card bills, and your credit is still good, make sure you ask for a reduced interest rate. Take advantage of balance transfer offers for lower rates. But be careful to note when these rates will expire. Usually the interest will balloon back up. You will then need to transfer the balance again to a lower rate.

Your credit rating is the key to your financial health. Poor credit scores can raise your car and home insurance rates. I got socked with a $4,000 car insurance bill because my credit score had tanked, yet I had never been late on an insurance payment. When I wrote them explaining how my difficult divorce had lowered my credit rating, they reduced my premium. Without good credit you will pay much higher interest on refinancing your home, car loans, or any other loan. In some cases you may need a co-signer.

Divorce sent my credit score into the toilet, and at the time there was little I could do. Even when I started making regular payments and settling debts, the mark remained on my credit. Repairing broken credit takes time, but if you stick with a plan, paying everything on time, it will happen.

But what do you do in the meantime? Everyone needs a credit card for emergencies. If you do not have one the next option is a debit card. Also you might ask a close relative if they would mind making you an additional cardholder on one of their accounts. Assure them this card will be for emergencies only. Always pay for whatever you charge immediately. You can only ask this of someone you are very close to. It’s one of the biggest financial favors one can do for another: putting their credit on the line for you.

If you can do it, take out a secured loan from a bank. Here is an example of how it works; you put $1,000 in a one-year certificate of deposit with your bank. The bank then gives you a $1,000 loan for one year at 9% interest. If you make the payments each month, at the end of the year you can cash your CD in and earn some interest. Current interest rates for a CD are now about 5%. This improves your credit rating because the bank will report to the credit bureaus that you paid off the loan.

When you are starting to rebuild from a credit disaster you should get a current copy of your credit report and check it for errors. Make sure any debts that were ruled to be your ex-husband’s in your final divorce decree are off of your credit report. You are entitled to one free credit report per year, and you can also get a free report if you have been denied a loan, line of credit, or other financial service. You can pay for the report at any time.

The 9 Questions You Must Examine In Mediation

1. Custody.
Care of the children is your most important concern. If custody is shared, what are the terms? If it is not, what is the visitation schedule for the non-custodial parent? Don’t forget holidays and summer vacations.

2. Housing.
Who will retain the family home? Will the martial home be sold and equity split equally? Or will one party keep the house and buy the other out? (In my own divorce I kept the family home. I waived alimony payments in exchange for equity in my home. Alimony is taxable but the equity in your home is not, so keep this option in mind)

3. Alimony and child support.
How much will go to whom?

4. Tuition.
Who will pay for school tuition? Will he pay for private or public universities? Might issues regarding paying for tuition become an issue later? Don’t rely on oral promises, ”Of course I will pay for college!” is often said at mediation but not committed to writing. Unfortunately, in most jurisdictions, once a child is 18, there is nothing the Court can do to force a parent to pay for college.

5. Division of stocks, bonds and other investments.
What is the proper division/liquidation of stocks, bonds, bank accounts, and other holdings and investments? What about the 401K plans, retirement funds, and life insurance? How will this be divided? A minimum amount of life insurance should be a provision of every divorce settlement, without exception.

6. Marital debt.
Who borrowed what? Who charged what?

7. Determination of incomes.
Who made more money? Who contributed what, and what are the values of those contributions?

8. Wills.
Will you have wills drawn naming the children as the beneficiaries?

9. Health insurance.
How will health insurance be addressed?

If you are going into mediation, remember that every aspect of your financial life with your spouse has to be closely scrutinized. These will be weighed in terms of your lifestyle and your standards of living, both together and apart. You will need to itemize all household expenses, household contents, properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, vehicles, furniture, and other items of value. Make sure you take into account all childcare costs, including daycare, religious education, sports, and other after-school activities and lessons. Consider the cost of birthday parties attended, lunch money, school dues, clothing, and camp. If your children are young, adjust for expenses as they grow, and include those projections in your plan.

It’s best for you and your spouse to gather all of this information beforehand; doing this together can be useful. If you find yourselves disagreeing on something, set it aside. Agree to bring up all disputes only when you are with the mediator. If you can do this, then mediation might be the route for you. If you have problems with your spouse while gathering information, it may be a sign of bad times ahead.

How Emails Can Hurt Your Divorce Case

Do you communicate with your soon to be ex by email? If so, here is something you should know. Many divorce lawyers will tell you that email can make or break a divorce case. Remember that it is easy in the heat of anger to send an email that you will regret. With a letter, you at least have to put it in an envelope and put a stamp on it. This gives you time to change your mind. With email, once the button is pushed, it’s gone, and you can’t get it back. Don’t send any emails containing threats, emotional diatribes, or profanity. If you need to use email to negotiate things such as child visitation, stick to the facts.

If your spouse makes an email mistake in your favor, don’t delete it! Save it, print a copy for your lawyer. It might be the most useful evidence you will ever get. Respond briefly that the accusation is not true, without seeming angry. In some courts, silence in the face of an outrageous accusation might be seen as evidence that the accusation is true.

The key is to remember that you must stop and think before emailing, calling or text messaging your spouse. You do not know if your ex is taping your phone conversations. If you find yourself fighting with your spouse by email or phone, then it may be time to consider ceasing all communications and sending all messages to your ex only through your attorney.

The #1 Secret To A Successful Divorce

So what is the most crucial secret you need to know to have a successful divorce?
It is the simplest secret, yet the most difficult one to master: Controlling your emotions!
I coach many women who just can’t seem to understand and follow this one piece of advice. Usually by the time they come to see me they have made quite a mess of things. I have coached women who have been divorced for years and still can’t control their emotions when it comes to their ex-husband!
Granted you are going through one of the most difficult times you will ever face in your life, and so you may feel angry, hurt, sad, and confused.
It will take immense stamina and self-control, but you must get—and keep—control over your emotions. Your ability to do so will affect everything from how you fare financially to how your children adjust.
Losing control and showing emotion is how you lose this war. Do not be fooled, divorce is a war. You need to prepare for battle and master the art of winning the divorce war.
How do you control your emotions when you feel like you just want to scream?
1. Do not speak to your soon-to-be ex-husband unless absolutely necessary. When you do engage in conversation, speak only about your children or other important issues. Control the temptation to tell him that he is an idiot or you hate him! When you feel that you want to say something derogatory, get off the phone or walk away. Remember self-control!

2. Resist the urge to spy on him, ask neighbors and friends about what he is doing, or grill the kids about his girlfriend. I have known women to make prank calls to their husbands, drive by their ex’s homes repeatedly, and do other crazy things that were used against them in a courtroom. One woman was actually sued because she wrote a nasty comment about her ex’s girlfriend on the Internet. She didn’t even refer to this woman by name, but the implication was enough for the judge to give her a guilty verdict and a fine.

3. Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a bastard your ex-husband is! Anger is like a fire that needs fuel to grow. The more you talk negatively about your ex, the angrier you will become and thus increase the chance of losing your temper.

Overall, think about the outcome you desire. Do you want to have the judge presiding over your divorce respect you, or do you want to look like an angry, bitter wife who is out of control?
Most people lie in family court, which is why judges rely on their own impression of a couple to see if the husband or wife appears more credible. Your behavior outside of the courtroom is crucial. Out-of-control behavior will almost always wind up back in the courtroom and cost you dearly.
So see a therapist, meditate, do whatever it takes to gain self-control. This is imperative at every stage: when you are thinking about getting a divorce, during the process, or even if you are already divorced. Your ex-husband is not going to go away, unfortunately, so you will need to find a way to deal with him in a calm and dignified manner.

Three Potential Pitfalls To Watch Out For In Divorce Court

A court will usually assume that your ex-spouse’s income is that which he was earning after taxes prior to the divorce. But what if your ex was working off the books? What if he hardly paid any taxes? This is something you will have to deal with early in the divorce process, when the judge is determining support levels to be maintained during the actual settlement. If you have a spouse who is making a good living, but paying little or nothing in taxes, you must discuss this with your lawyer. It may be impossible to deal with this directly in court without shutting off your spouse’s income, or greatly reducing what he gets. In such a circumstance you may want to look into alternatives, such as large cash or property settlements, if they are possible.
If your spouse is still working, but is suddenly making much less at the moment of your divorce, make sure your lawyer knows this and, if necessary, points it out. At any point in the divorce, or post-decree proceedings, a judge will become suspicious of someone who was making a decent living prior to a divorce and is suddenly broke.
Another problem comes with “disability.” Many men develop disabilities the moment they see support payments ahead. Don’t stand for it. Again, unless they can bring in a doctor and prove their disability, this won’t fly in the courtroom.

How To Survive Financially During A Divorce

What do you do if you have very little cash and are facing a divorce?First make a list of all of the available credit in your name. Check all of your credit cards for the credit limits and how much is owed. You may be surprised at how much open credit you actually have. During my own divorce I was shocked when I found a $10,000 open credit limit on a Visa card I had hardly used. That card put food on the table when my husband refused to pay spousal and child support. When the divorce is final you can liquidate assets and pay these debts, but for now credit is the lifeline of the cash-strapped spouse.

Whatever your situation, stay strong and in control. Might there be a relative or friend that you could borrow from until the divorce is over? If there are assets, such as equity in the marital home, you might be able to persuade an attorney to hold off on payment until the divorce is final. Lawyers recognize potential assets more readily than most creditors. Also, the court may award attorneys’ fees in some jurisdictions, in some cases, and if your attorney is willing to wait, that is more cash in your pocket. However, you should never plan on an award of fees from the court. Remember that ultimately, you may have to pay your lawyer, even if you believed the Court would make your spouse pay your attorneys’ fees.

Do not be shy when it comes to asking for help. Being in a tough situation is nothing to be ashamed of. You will be surprised at how people will go out of their way to help you when the chips are down. You just have to ask.

The Secret To Letting Go After Divorce

One of the most difficult things to do after divorce is to let go and move on emotionally. This means letting go of all of the pain, anger and hurt your spouse has caused you. It sounds easier than it is. So just how to you let go of those negative feelings towards your ex?

You must remember: accept and forgive. It doesn’t mean you want to go back and live it over. It doesn’t mean you would keep the marriage together. It means you can move on with your own life, and live with the fact that your ex is doing the same thing.

Your ex-spouse’s life is meant to take a different path. If you have children then you will always be part of each other’s lives. But you will be able to detach and view your ex as the parent of your children instead of as your spouse. A new relationship will emerge. The roles are different. You choose how you are going to play this out. You can deal with your spouse either with kindness and understanding, having truly put the pain of divorce behind you, or you can harbor ill feelings and hang on to old hurts and feelings of betrayal. The choice is yours. Choose wisely. One road leads to peace and serenity and the other to anger, frustration, and pain.

This is your time of refection and soul-searching. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will reach it. Right now you may not be able see past the hurt, anger, and pain. But trust me, life will become joyful and complete once again. You get to decide the life you want to have. Don’t turn bitter. It may be the easy path now, but later on it will be the hard road, and there won’t be any exits. How you see your divorce is the most essential choice you will make.

I now see my divorce for the many gifts it has brought to my life. Amidst the pain and sorrow, I learned some tremendous life lessons. Now I can bring these into my new life and create a more compelling future. Listen to your heart. Trust in the knowledge that you will survive this devastating loss. You will survive, and you will thrive again.

Getting Ready for Divorce Court

The process may vary depending upon what state you are in but it generally will go something like this: on your first court date you will be assigned a judge who will preside over your case. At this preliminary conference the judge will consult with both attorneys, and set deadlines for each stage of the divorce. At this conference the court will look at the information gathered by both sides, and the legal process of the divorce will begin. At this time the judge will probably set amounts of child and spousal support. These are the amounts your spouse is to pay from now until the divorce is final. This is often referred to as pendente lite (pronounced “pendentay leetay”) support, meaning “pending decision”. Although these amounts aren’t automatically those that you will receive once the divorce is final, they are crucial in their importance. Whatever the judge says now will set an informal precedent for what happens later. You want these amounts to be at or above your final goal.

Make sure that the court directs your spouse to send these payments to your local child support enforcement agency. They will forward the payments to you, and keep track of what is owed. Always go through this agency. Although they may be slow with enforcement, they have the ability to garnish your spouses’ wages and bank accounts and enforce bench warrants. If your spouse falls behind in payments you will be able to utilize this agency instead of having to pay your attorney to enforce support collection. Some states, however, will not permit this arrangement unless there is a history of non-payment, preferring to let the parties handle it themselves.

As in any court trial, divorce will have a discovery phase. In a divorce this is when each party is required to disclose proof of all finances. You will also have to answer the Interrogatories. This is a long questionnaire asking for detailed information about your finances and other marital issues. These will identify issues of disagreement that must be brought before the judge. Remember, the more problems you need the judge to fix, the more court dates you will have to attend and every time you go to court you pile up legal fees.

Using A Mediator To Settle Your Divorce


If you are going into mediation, remember that every aspect of your financial life with your spouse has to be closely scrutinized. These will be weighed in terms of your lifestyle and your standards of living, both together and apart. You will need to itemize all household expenses, household contents, properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, vehicles, furniture, and other items of value. Make sure you take into account all childcare costs, including daycare, religious education, sports, and other after-school activities and lessons. Consider the cost of birthday parties attended, lunch money, school dues, clothing, and camp. If your children are young, adjust for expenses as they grow, and include those projections in your plan.

It’s best for you and your spouse to gather all of this information beforehand; doing this together can be useful. If you find yourselves disagreeing on something, set it aside. Agree to bring up all disputes only when you are with the mediator. If you can do this, then mediation might be the route for you. If you have problems with your spouse while gathering information, it may be a sign of bad times ahead.

If you and your spouse can agree on a fair settlement and iron out the details of your divorce without bitterness you will be extremely fortunate. Your children will be spared any emotional trauma and you can co-parent them together. This is an ideal situation, and if you are lucky enough to have a cooperating spouse you will emerge from your divorce as unscathed as possible.

Healing the Wounds of Martial Abuse

How does one heal oneself or one’s children from the traumas of abuse? Physical wounds and scars are problematic enough, but much of the injury is done to the heart and mind. How can a victim become whole again?
The aftereffects of abuse can take many forms, including depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD, which includes numbness, edginess, and reliving the event), insomnia, headaches, muscle aches, aggressiveness, delinquency and school problems (in children and teens), and withdrawal.

Encourage children and teens to talk about it. You don’t have to be pushy, but always let them know you are open to their problems. If problems arise with their teachers, neighbors, or other kids, try to use these as opportunities to get the child to talk.

Remember, many of the same things apply to adults. Depression and PTSD were first recognized as adult problems; however, we now know they have a role in children’s lives too. If you have successfully escaped from an abusive situation, and all the evidence tells you that you and your children are reasonably secure, watch out for signs of depression and PTSD. If you find yourself dwelling on what happened, or if you are often overtaken by feelings of fear, malaise, or pessimism, talk it out with someone you trust. Don’t be afraid to seek help. There are many counseling programs available through state and local agencies. Don’t feel as if you have to tough it out on your own. These problems are as real, and can be as debilitating, as any physical wounds. If a physical injury continued to bother you, would you hesitate to go for help? Injuries to the mind and spirit are the same.

Worried About The Effect Of Divorce On Your Kids?

The shift from a two-parent home to a one-parent home isn’t easy. You will question yourself, and the circumstances your children are thrown into. Will they grow up damaged in some way? It’s best to remember that no upbringing is perfect. Many children from unbroken homes grow up twisted. I believe that whether you grow up in a home with two parents or one, you will probably be a little screwed up anyway. People aren’t perfect, neither parents nor children. We can only try our best.

Ask yourself each day: Am I giving my children a safe, loving home with the things they need to be happy? Do I communicate with them every day, keeping up with their lives and changes? Do I show them love? If you can truthfully answer, “yes” to these questions then you are probably doing a good job as a parent.
The bottom line is that divorce is painful and you cannot completely protect your children from this pain. But you can lessen the risk of emotional damage and raise healthy, happy children even in the face of divorce.

Using Your Ex's Bad Habits in Divorce Court

Make a list of all of your spouse’s bad habits. Is there gambling? Smoking? Drugs? Liquor? Some amusements, like strip clubs and porn, can eat up the biggest paycheck. Keep your ears open. Friends, relatives, and even your children may spill the beans about your ex. You have to be alert, but be careful of letting yourself go with this. Don’t sink to the level of the dirt you’re searching for. Don’t grill the kids about daddy, and don’t shatter good friendships, or alienate those who truly love you. If your kids innocently mention something worthwhile, make a record of it. If a friend volunteers information, or if you want to ask for it in an honest manner, get everything you can. But hold on to your own integrity. Don’t deceive.
As you gather your information, weave all of your spouse’s bad behaviors into your motions. Expose everything in a way that shows the necessary connections. But also, don’t go overboard here either: If he is paying his support and you are primarily fighting about assets, do not tell the judge he goes to go-go bars!
There is no reason to intentionally hurt your spouse. You need only prove the points necessary to your case. If he is not paying his support then the judge needs to know what he is doing with his money. If he is getting more than his fair share of assets the judge needs a clear picture of what assets you each have, and who has what claims.
Always remember that what you put out in public can always come back at you. If you are going to use your divorce as a tool to get even only heartache can come to you. What goes around comes around.

Recovering Financially After Divorce

Your financial situation after a divorce depends on these factors: support and settlement payments, job status, business opportunities, time, assets, and the financial needs of you and your family. Traditionally, stay-at-home moms have had the most difficult transition after a divorce. Usually the stay-at-home mom suddenly has to find work. Most likely you did have a job before you had kids, and your first thought might be to go back to your old workplace and see what’s available.

Then you often come up against the ladder model. This is the way many businesses operate. You climb up one rung at a time, but if you get off the ladder you land at the bottom again. When a woman quits her job, and goes home to raise the kids, she loses her place in the business world. She not only misses out on promotions; she often won't even be able to walk back into the job she left. She’s gotten off the ladder. This doesn’t mean things are hopeless, but many stay-at-home moms have a lot of catching up to do, and there is no way to entirely escape the effects of lost time.

Here are three easy ways to get back on track:

1. Assess your skills. What have you learned in your years in the home? Is there any part of being a housewife and mother that you’re particularly good at? Something people pay for? Something you like? Or was there any particular thing you were good at back when you worked? Something you could develop now, and quickly develop into a service with a market? It’s important that it be something you like. I don’t believe you can be happy working full-time at a job you hate.

Make a list of all of the things you enjoy doing. Might there be a job in a field that could harness your natural talents and pay you a decent salary? For example, let’s say that you love to plan parties. Could you get a job in a party planning company? A catering hall? How about working in a hotel as an event planner? Do you love kids? How about running a daycare center out of your home? That way you do not have to pay a sitter. (Though be careful of the daycare option; it’s an idea that occurs to so many single mothers, and the field is often crowded. Before you get a license make sure you have customers.)

I could give you example after example here but the point is to find something you enjoy and find a way to incorporate that into your work. If you are marketing your skills, remember to be businesslike about it. This applies to appearance, courtesy, and confidence, but it also means watching the bottom line. Always look at what you are spending, what you are getting for it, and how much profit you’re making.

2. Assess your education. Do you already have a college degree or some other training? Can you go back to school to learn a trade? There are many short-term courses out there that can have you earning money in no time. A typical realtor’s course is only a few weeks of full-time attendance. A hair stylist can get a license in most states in nine months of full-time schooling, and it’s a job where you can make terrific money. I used to own a hair salon and the stylists made much more money than I did! Most hairdressers get high commissions and make a lot in tips. For the most part they set their own hours.

Check into other programs that can get you certified in a short time. Schools offer refresher courses in many skills. When my ex complained that he had been out of the computer field for too long and couldn’t find work, I called the school where he had learned his skills years earlier—the Chubb Institute. They offered free refresher courses and job placement. See if you qualify for such a program. We never know until we ask. But most importantly, pick something you have an interest in and that you will do well.

3. Think about starting your own business. Many businesses can be started on little or no money. In the past I have sold children’s clothing on eBay, and the eBay business model works for a lot of services. In many cities people offer to clean out garages and attics, selling the contents on eBay, and splitting the profits 50/50 with the owner. I found a huge demand for used children’s clothing. Most of us throw our kids’ clothing into those donation bins. You can sell those clothes on eBay and make money. All you need is a computer and a digital camera. Ask friends who are discarding their hand-me-downs to give them to you instead.

This also applies to antiques, collectibles, and other valuables. People have so many things they would love to get rid of but they don’t have the time. There are other options. Many women have begun cleaning homes or businesses, and soon find themselves employing others to do the actual cleaning, while they price jobs, do the hiring, and inspect the work. Of course there are countless small business ideas that you can do right from your home. Be creative. If it seems sensible, team up with a friend or partner. Owning your own business can be fun, profitable, and boost your self-esteem. It can also get you tax breaks, freedom from bosses, and it may even make you rich.

9 Tips to Easier Single Parenting

The reality is being a single mom or dad is a tough job. Trying to juggle the roles of two parents each day can be exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming.

Getting organized is one way to minimize the amount of work and run a more streamlined, calmer household. Try some of the tips listed below and before you know it you will be less stressed, more focused and able to spend more quality time with your kids!

• Time your phone calls. How many times have you spent hours chatting on the phone, only to hang up and realize that you don’t have time to do what you wanted to do? Set a timer by the phone. When it rings, politely tell the caller that you must hang up. You feel more in control and have more time to accomplish your goals.

• Clean out your kids’ book bags once a week. Take school notices and put them in a folder. At that moment go through the folder and throw out anything that does not need to be answered. Take action on all the other letters and write those checks to the PTA and book club now before you forget!

• Set your kids' clothes out every night for school the next day.If you have very young children you can save time by dressing them in their school clothes after the evening bath and letting them sleep in them. The clothes will be clean, although maybe a little wrinkled, and you can head out the door that much faster.

• Review your schedule every morning and evening. Make modifications for things that may come up unexpectedly.

• Schedule a specific time to answer your email.

• Clean your house and do laundry every day, instead of once a week. It is much easier to throw a load of laundry in while watching TV in the evening than to be overwhelmed with tons of it on the weekend. Assign a cleaning task each day, such as: Monday, bathrooms, Tuesday, vacuum, Thursday, kitchen, etc. By breaking down the big tasks you will be less overwhelmed and your house will be a lot cleaner!

Give those kids some chores! Even a young child can help fold laundry and clear the dinner dishes from the table. Have your family help out; after all they live there too!

•Be ruthless with your time! Try scheduling one hour a day for focus time: your time to decide on what is important to you.

•And remember to reward yourself. It can be anything, big or small, that refreshes you and that you enjoy.

Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats.....

I am sure you have heard the Carrie Underwood song of the same name by
now. Most of us who have been cheated on have probably fantasized about keying our ex's car or inflicting some of the damage Carrie sings about in her hit song. As difficult as it may be, you must control your emotions.
The type of out of control behavior depicted in the song will only end you up in jail with a retraining order issued against you.

So what can we do to move through the pain and anguish of being betrayed by our spouse? Do spouses who cheat care? Do they harden themselves so that they can ignore the pain they’re causing? If they could feel the actual pain they are causing would it change them? Would they care then?

Most of us who have been the victims of adultery have been forced to ponder these questions. We look at spouses who we lovingly trusted, people with whom we’ve had children, and we see them walking away, blind to the tears, and deaf to the sobs of others. It is as if they have found a way to separate themselves from all that led up to now, and cut themselves off from the past.

As we ponder, we ask why? A woman asks: Was I not good enough? A man might ask: Was I not caring enough? Either might want to know: Did I keep up my end? Was I supportive enough? We blame ourselves, and examine every small detail. Like detectives we search for clues, leads, and turning points. We ask the questions of a spouse who is no longer there, and in the end we are left right back where we started: Why? Why would

There are no easy answers, but there are guilty feelings that can and should be dealt with. First, remember: you did nothing to make your spouse stray. This was their choice, freely made. There is always a moment (or moments) when a responsible person can say: No. The responsibility is theirs, and for those of us they abandoned the question is not: Why did my marriage break up? Instead we begin with: Did a perfectly loyal, loving spouse really suddenly turn into a cheater? It’s likely that the answer is: No. Which leads us to the question: Are there signs that we ignored?

I searched my soul, and my memory, and found that the answer was: Yes. The indications were there, and I ignored them. I had evidence that my husband was not the wonderful, trusting man I had made him out to be. I put on my rose-colored glasses, and saw him only through those lenses, filtering out anything that might threaten my family and me.

After the marriage is over, it’s often a good idea to look back and learn. This shouldn't be the kind of thinking that only leads to you torturing yourself. If you’re still at that stage, don’t dwell on the past. Only do this when you are far enough past the shock and the wreckage that you can think of it as an object lesson, and want to avoid the same traps next time.

Feeling lonely after divorce? Get a dog!

After my divorce was final, I found myself finally dealing with my feelings about the divorce. During the divorce I was consumed with court dates and legal issues and did not have time to mourn the death of my marriage or deal with the many emotions divorce stirs up.
Working through all of the different emotions and feelings of loss,betrayal, anger and disbelief took many months. One emotion I was surprised to feel was loneliness.

At first I thought that it meant it was time to go out and try and meet someone new. Then I realized that what I really craved was not a boyfriend, but attention, love and friendship.
That was when I decided to get a puppy. After all, puppies give you unconditional love. They are thrilled to see you even if you have only been gone for an hour and they are loyal, cuddly friends that will never betray you. Sine my youngest child was 7 years old at the time, I also had the urge to "baby" and take care of someone helpless again.

I adopted Luigi a 3 month old Maltese, 5 months after my divorce was settled. Luigi is a wonderful, loving, loyal little guy who has brought me an enormous amount of joy. He is truly my "best friend". He is there for me in good times and bad and I can count on his love and devotion.

If you are going through a divorce and feel a sense of sadness and loneliness,you need to work through these emotions. Meeting someone and getting serious too soon can be a mistake. If what you really crave is love and attention,think about adopting a pet. Ironically once you feel loved and needed again, you will naturally attract someone into your life will respect and honor you.

Five Tips on Working Successfully with Your Divorce Attorney

Divorce lawyers are expensive. You need to be proactive and know what is going on with your case at all times. Do not be afraid to ask your attorney questions. Too often we will sit back and assume that our attorney will do what's right and we put trust in someone who may or may not have our best interests at heart. There are reputable divorce lawyers out there, but you first need to weed out the money hungry ones who will take your retainer, file useless paperwork and drain your bank account before you even get a court date. Do not pick your attorney in haste. Go to your local family court and find out which divorce attorney has the best reputation in town and hire him or her.

Once you have hired your new divorce attorney, here are some simple rules to follow:

1. Beware of an attorney who takes a smaller retainer but does not file motions. Some spouses wait for months on end to get court orders for spousal and child support because their attorneys did not file the necessary motions.

2. Remember that when you speak to your attorney on the phone you are being charged per minute. Don’t make the mistake of chatting on and on. Get to the point and use a timer. If it is a routine question, such as the date of a hearing, speak with the support staff rather than the attorney. Time for support staff is often not billed, and if it is the fee is at a much lower rate than an attorney.

3. Follow your attorney’s advice to the letter. These people go to law school; they should know what they are doing. Making stupid mistakes, like calling your spouse repeatedly, picking fights, and not protecting yourself, can lead to bills, violence, and restraining orders. You should limit all contact with your spouse. Only discuss your children and any business you may have together. Let the lawyers do the talking for you whenever possible. That’s what they are paid for.

4. Follow the law. The most important thing you can have is self-control. There will be times when you want to act out, call your spouse names, or be vengeful. These actions can only land you in hot water. Taking your spouse’s credit card on a shopping spree can give you legal troubles you simply do not need.

5. You have hired an attorney to protect you legally. That attorney is also a huge expense and you want to keep track of what you are being charged. Keep a log of every meeting, phone call, and their durations. Also it is a good idea to record in a journal any incidents with your spouse, so that it will be easier to recall the details in court later on.

Most of all, know that although this is one of the most painful times of your life, you will survive. Finding the right attorney will give you confidence in your case. Your attorney is working for you and together you can plan for and obtain the best possible outcome.

Helping your Children Through Your Divorce

Dealing with a divorce is difficult for everyone, including the kids. It is a life altering event that can take a toll emotionally and physically . This is especially true for children. Children need additional support during this tough time. They need to know and understand that it is not their fault and that both parents still love them very much.

You and your soon to be ex are going to have to work hard at putting aside your anger and hard feelings toward each other. If the both of you can sit down and make arrangements for the children, it will be much easier, less painful and less expensive than having to go into court and having the court decide custody arrangements for you.

You should not keep the divorce a secret from the children. You need to explain to them what a divorce is and what is going to happen. Try to give them some notice and time to adjust before you or your spouse moves out of the martial home. This way the children can have time to deal with it and ask questions. Reassure the children that both parents are still going to be there for them and that the divorce is in no way their fault.

When you talk to your kids about the divorce, do not blame your spouse or badmouth him. It is important that the children know that they still have two dependable and trustworthy parents that love them and will be there to take care of them. Be truthful, but spare the details about the divorce.

Often children will secretly hope that their parents are going to get back together. You want to make it clear to them that you are not going to reconcile, but that you hope to remain friends. Tell them that there is nothing that they can do to change the situation. Also make it clear to them where they are going to live and when they will be able to see the other parent. If your spouse has a new apartment or house, make sure he takes the kids to visit it. This will make it less traumatic for them when they spend their first overnight visit there. Providing the kids with a sense of security is crucial. Give them the opportunity to ask you any questions that they may have.

Giving the child the right information but not too much information is important. You want to minimize their worry and anxiety. Despite your best efforts, expect that your children will go through some rough patches during the divorce. This is a major upheaval in their lives. Children do not like change and it will take time for them to accept this new way of life.