Should Cheaters Pay More in the Divorce?

I read recently that the state of Arizona is reconsidering it's policy on "no fault" divorce. Meaning they may now allow a judge to consider evidence of an affair and compensate the "injured" party monetarily.

Some states do allow a divorcing couple to bring in evidence of an affair or abuse while many others do not consider it at all. I was divorced in New Jersey and was very surprised when my lawyer told me that judge did not care that my husband was having an affair and that assets were divided based on equitable distribution only, not emotional or physical damage.

What I think is unfair in no fault divorce states is when a cheater spends martial funds on the girlfriend or boyfriend. This should be considered. I also believe the person who has been cheated on and did not want the divorce should be awarded additional assets for pain and suffering. I know a woman whose husband cheated and gave her herpes. Logic would dictate that she should be financially compensated for pain and suffering because of her husband's actions.

The downside to allowing evidence of an affair in the divorce courtroom would be longer courtroom battles and more more legal fees. Producing proof of a spouses' affair might also require hiring a private investigator. But maybe if people knew they might have to pay more in their divorce settlement if they cheated, they might reconsider cheating in the first place.

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New Tool to Catch a Cheating Spouse...

Do you suspect your spouse is cheating? Need evidence? Forgot hiring a private investigator, there is a new way to get the proof you need: DNA

testing.

An Israeli woman took her husband's underwear to the lab and traces of DNA that were not hers or her husband's were found. She is now presenting the evidence to a Rabbinical court . Evidently there is a large sum of money involved in this divorce case.

But before you run off to the lab with your spouse's underwear, there are a few things to consider. The lab may not find any evidence if your spouse used protection during the sexual encounter, so your instinct about the affair may still be correct but you might not get the evidence you hoped for. If you plan on using the test results in court, it may not even be admissible. You would need to check with a divorce attorney.

It may sound crazy to test your spouses underwear for DNA, but I can understand someone doing it. When you suspect your spouse is cheating and have no proof, it can drive you crazy. You need to know the truth so you can deal with the affair and decide if you want to stay in the marriage or not. But you may not get the proof you need unless you actually catch them in bed together. Some cheaters, unless caught red handed, will not admit they have had an affair. If you suspect your spouse is cheating, your probably right. Trust your instincts.

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Why Both Men and Women Cheat....

This Friday night, Christine Brinkley's cheating ex- husband, Peter Cook is being interviewed by Barbara Walters on ABC. In sneak previews, Cook blames Brinkley for his affair, saying he did not get attention or "thank yous" for all of his efforts and felt like he was living with his sister.

This is the typical excuse for both men and women who cheat. It is just so much easier to blame your spouse than to take responsibility for your actions. However, there may be some truth here as to why a person would be tempted to cheat. Many have cited the same reason Cook has. Lack of attention, affection and feeling unappreciated. Of course this is not a valid reason to cheat. These are reasons to ask your spouse to attend martial counseling and if all else fails, ask for a divorce. Most people really do not want to get a divorce., but instead of letting their spouses know how they are feeling, they look outside of the marriage for excitement, fulfillment and love.

If your ex cheated on you it is important not to blame yourself. But the affair is almost always a symptom of a failing marriage. If you find that your spouse is acting depressed, withdrawn or complaining of lack of affection, those are red flags. Martial counseling and opening up the lines if communication may prevent an affair and save your marriage.

Is John McCain a Cheater?

I have read on the Internet recently that Presidential hopeful John McCain might not be as heroic in his personal life as he was as a war hero. Of course, what you read nowadays on the net tends to be biased and with the election nearing and the battle between the candidates heating up, you have to be careful not to take everything you read or see on TV as the truth.

The story is that soon after John McCain returned to the US after being held captive for many years as a prisoner of war, he divorced his wife, who had been crippled in a car accident and lost five inches of her height, walked with a limp and gained weight. He then went on to marry his current wife, Cindy MCain, a wealthy beer heiress only a month after his divorce.

Now in John McCain's defense, his ex-wife has nothing bad to say about him and claims that they are friends. He has also admitted blame for the demise of his marriage in a memoir. Who really knows what the cause for his breakup was. It may appear cold hearted and callous to divorce a spouse who has become disabled, but not knowing all of the facts, we should not rush to judgement about John McCain's character as a man and husband.

I have not yet decided who I will be voting for. The mudslinging between the candidates does not impress me. What I want to know, and I think most single parents what to know , is what the future president is going to do to stabilize the economy, lower gas prices, give us access to affordable health care and take care of the many other issues affecting Americans today.

Single parents struggling to raise children during these tough economic times need the candidates to tell us in their TV ads what they are going to do to turn the country around instead of wasting time attacking one another in the media.

How Low Can You Go? John Edwards Cheats on Dying Wife....

When former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards recently confessed his extramarital affair on television, I cringed thinking about the immense pain he has caused his wife, Elizabeth. This woman is battling incurable cancer. How could he put her through this?

What goes on in the mind of a cheater? How could John Edward put his own needs first without thinking about the devastating consequences to his wife, knowing the fragile physical state she is in?

I have spoken to many people on both sides, the cheaters and the ones who have been cheated on. The cheaters usually say that they were unhappy in the marriage and were tempted by someone who made them feel special and good about themselves. They usually confess that attempted to resist the affair, but eventually succumbed to the charms and seduction of their lover. The ones who have been cheated on are shocked, sickened and feel like they have had the wind knocked out of them. Feelings of not being good enough and sexy enough plague them.

We know affairs devastate and hurt people but can you imagine what Elizabeth Edward must be going through, knowing she may not live much longer, dealing with those emotions and now having to deal with the public humiliation and betrayal her husband has caused her? It is incomprehensible.

I think anyone considering an affair needs to think about what effect your actions are going to have on your spouse. Obviously John Eward is a selfish man who will now have guilt that he will carry with him the rest of his life knowing he made his wife's last days ones of pain and misery.

How an Affair Can Shatter Your Self-Esteem...

Finding out your husband has cheated can be devastating to your self-worth and self-esteem. You torture yourself with thoughts of not being attractive enough, not being thin enough, smart enough, etc. Your brain comes up with all sorts of scenarios of what you could of or should of done differently in the marriage. These kinds of thoughts plummet your self-esteem and leave you feeling sad, hurt and depressed, sometimes feeling like you will never be loved again.

In many cases, your husband may have been emotional abusive in the marriage and called you names and even may blame you for his affair. So how can you even begin to recover emotionally from your spouse's affair, when you have become your own worst enemy and deep down don't believe you deserve to be loved?

The first thing you need to do is start changing your thoughts. When the negative chatter in your head starts, you need to counter it with a positive thought. It would be unrealistic to expect yourself to go from feeling depressed to hopeful all at once, so you must take small, baby steps to regaining your self-worth again.

For example, the next time you start thinking about the affair and how unattractive you must be for your husband to have cheated, change that thought to "Many of the world's most beautiful women, like Halle Berry and Christie Brinkley have been cheated on too. Attractiveness has nothing to so with why a man cheats". That thought feels alot better than "I am am fat and homely and that is why my husband cheated".

You may want to write down every negative belief you have about your husband's affair. List them all. Then replace each one, in writing, with a more positive one. Look at that list every day until you begin to feel better.

The worst thing you can do is to stay home and think about the affair all day long. Grab your girlfriends, get dressed up and go out for a ladies night out. Allow yourself to flirt and notice the positive male attention you receive. This can do wonders for your self-esteem. An innocent night out with your friends can lift your spirits and make you feel attractive again.

The key is to start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Focus on your strengths and talents. Maybe there is a hobby or sport you are good at that you can take up again? Anything you can do to boost your self-esteem and self-worth will help you through this difficult time.

Emotional Cheating: Does It Count?

With the allegations from NY Yankee Alex's Rodriquez's wife that he had an "affair of the heart" with Madonna and not a physical affair, "emotional cheating" has become a hotly debate topic.

The question is if you have a relationship with someone other than your spouse but you do not have sexual relations, does that make it okay? Is it still cheating? People Magazine has a poll on it's website about emotional cheating and so far 80% of the people who have responded feel that emotional cheating is still cheating. I would have to agree.

With so many people forming relationships with strangers on the Internet today, some would think that having a "virtual affair" would also not count. But any kind of affair, ,whether physical or not, is a betrayal. When you take away your affection, attention and energy from your spouse and spend that on someone else, you are putting your marriage in jeopardy. The other danger is that these emotional affairs often do turn into sexual ones.

If you are in a relationship, it is best to not play with fire. Don't fool yourself into thinking that because you haven't slept with someone you are not betraying your partner.

Should We Feel Sorry For the "Other Woman"?

There is a new book out written by a woman who has dated numerous married men. Her book is written for women who have affairs with married men. This author actually claims that the other women often suffers the most when the relationship ends.

Maybe I am biased, having dealt with my husband's crazy mistress, but I just do not have much sympathy for a woman who knowingly dates another woman's husband. I don't care what he tells you, how bad his marriage is, how unhappy he is and so on. He is still married.

Women who date married men are behaving selfishly, in my opinion. They are going to hurt others, including their lover's wife and children. I cannot see any good reason to put yourself in that kind of position. Is it low self-esteem? Do you just not care who you hurt? Do you use the excuse that you are just so "in love" that you cannot help yourself?

Granted there are marriages where one partner is miserable and feels like the marriage is over.
That is when the person who wants out needs to either go to marriage counseling or ask for a divorce. Having an affair only complicates things and hurts people.

I had a good friend several years ago who was having an affair with a married man. She begged me not to judge her, knowing that I was still reeling form my husband's affair at the time. I put my judgement s aside and tried to be supportive when she explained that her lover did not love his wife anymore and that she slept on the couch and there marriage has been over for many months, etc. After some time, it become clear that this man was not going to leave his wife and that it was more than likely his wife had no idea that their marriage was over.

My friend, the other woman, was dumped, left with the fact that she wasted almost a year in a relationship that went nowhere. In that respect, I do feel bad for women who have affairs with married men. The are in a no-win situation and their actions can only cause pain to themselves and others. But as grown women, they must understand that they are making a choice to have a relationship with someone who is not free to love them unconditionally.

I think if more women respected themselves and had higher self-esteem, a charming, sweet talking married man would not have the same effect on them and they would walk away for a potential affair.

Cheaters Beware: Your Spouse May be Spying On you...

With the amazing advancements in technology, it has become easier than ever to catch a cheating spouse. Computer Sights, a computer support and surveillance supply store in Florida is selling GPS devices the size of a matchbox. There are also clock radios, smoke detectors, and other household devices that conceal tiny hidden cameras for purchase.

Because the price of these devices are affordable to the public, anybody who suspects their spouse is cheating can easily obtain one and become a spy, without having to hire a costly private investigator.

So is it ethical to spy on your spouse? That is a tricky question. On one hand, if you do suspect your spouse is cheating and you confront him and he denies it, having proof is important for your own peace of mind. On the other hand, you could be wrong and if you spouse finds out you are spying on him, you could be jeopardizing your marriage. How would you feel if you were innocent and then found out your spouse had your home and car rigged with spy equipment?

I think you need to trust your instincts. If you strongly suspect your ex is cheating, you are probably right. Our own inner guidance system is powerful and accurate. If you are certain he is cheating, but need physical proof for closure, then you may want to consider investing in a tracking device or other piece of spy equipment.

Your Ex and His New Girlfriend....

People magazine featured a photo today of Hulk Hogan, who is in the middle of a nasty divorce battle, at the beach, cuddling up with his new lover. You have to wonder how his soon to be ex-wife of 24 years feels. If she is like most women going through a divorce, it hurts her to see her ex with someone else.

I remember, when during my own divorce, I found out that my ex took his mistress to Christmas dinner with his family. It was shocking that I could be replaced so quickly after 13 years of marriage. Months later I found out that he was planning to take her on our family vacation, a timeshare in Florida that we had gone to with our kids every year. To me that was almost sacrilegious. It is one thing to cheat and quite another to bring your lover to a place where you have many happy memories with your wife and kids at.

Thankfully the trip did not happen. Other women have not been so lucky. A women I know found out that her husband not only took his mistress to their favorite vacation place, he was also taking their beloved dogs with him to visit his girlfriend. The thought her husband's lover touching her pets made her sick.

Why do men become so insensitive during a divorce? Even Jenifer Aniston said that ex-husband Brad Pitt was "missing a sensitivity chip" when he began going out in public with Angelina Jolie before the ink was dry on their divorce papers. I think men become so armoured with a new love that they forget that they are hurting their ex-wives and children by flaunting their new loves.

My advice to men is be discreet and keep your new relationship quiet during the intital stages of divorce. Stop and think how your actions are going to affect your ex-wife and kids. And make sure to pick a new vacation place to take your girlfriend to! There is no need to bring her to a place you visited with your wife.

Gaining Weight After a Divorce...

Last night I was watching an episode of the new show "I Can Make You Thin". The host claims to be able to help people lose weight by using various tapping techniques to help them conquer emotional overeating.

There was a woman featured on the show who gained a substantial amount of weight after her divorce. She was shocked and devastated when she discovered her husband was having an affair with her brother's wife.

For two years, she suppressed her emotions and turned to food for comfort. This reaction to a divorce is common. People who suffer through a traumatic event, such as divorce, often use food, alcohol, drugs or other distractions like gambling or shopping to help numb the pain. So how can you avoid putting on the pounds or becoming addicted to something after a divorce?

The best way is to deal with your emotions while you are having them. Do not suppress feelings that arise. If you feel angry with your ex you need to acknowledge the feeling, allow it to be and then let it go. The key is to feel the feelings, accept them as normal and them release them. Deal directly with painful emotions instead of burying them with food or alcohol. You find that you will reach less for comfort foods when you find out what is really bothering you inside.

Why Women Stay With Men Who Cheat...

The big story in the news this week is how Governor Elliot Spitzer cheated on his wife by frequenting high price prostitutes. It appears, for now, that his wife is standing by her man.

I cringed while watching the T.V footage of the Governor's confession while his poor wife stood silently by his side. Can you imagine the torment this woman going through? She is most likely in a state of shock right now and who knows if she will eventually file for divorce.

Why do some women stay with men who have betrayed them? I think there a number of reasons. Low self esteem and guilt are high on the list. Women tend to blame themselves when things go wrong. We are notorious for trying to fix problems and feel responsible for the actions and behaviors of our family members. A mother often blames herself when her child does poorly in school, for instance.

A women who discovers her husband's affair might torture herself wondering what she did wrong in the marriage to cause her husband to stray. In the case of Governor Spitzer, his wife might be wondering what was so wrong with their sex life that her husband felt the need to have sex with a call girl. What women need to understand is that their husband's infidelity was a choice he made and was not cause by anything she did. You cannot drive a man to commit adultery.

A woman may also feel guilty. Maybe she did not spend enough time with her husband or gained weight and feels he no longer finds her attractive. She becomes determined to fix her marriage and sweep the affair under the rug.

But is it emotionally healthy to stay married to a cheater? I think it depends on how the cheating husband reacts to being caught. Is he genuinely remorseful?Was it a one time occurrence? Or does he blame his wife for the affair?If he is honestly wracked with guilt and truly sorry for his actions, there may be some hope to save the marriage. But usually an affair is preceded by other martial problems that caused cracks in the marriage. If the marriage was not solid before the affair, it may be very difficult to rebuild the trust that is essential to a healthy marriage.

Time with tell if Mrs. Spitzer can ever forgive her husband. After the public humiliation she has suffered, I hope she at least takes some time out to take care of herself. She needs to explore her feelings and decide whether or not she can ever trust her husband again.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during a divorce....

Success Is The Best Revenge-A Scorned Woman's Last Laugh...

Angie Schmidt was a happily married woman with a new home, thriving business and a new friend, her next door neighbor. Life was good. That was until her husband began an affair with Katie, the woman next door. She was horrified to discover that her new friend and her husband were lovers. In her state of shock, she even briefly considered suicide.

But instead of taking her life, Angie made a decision. She decided that success is the best revenge and started a new online boutique instead. She named it "Smashing Katie". At her new online breakup boutique, you can get the tools you need to help you cope with your divorce. At www.smashingkatie.com you can find an array of interesting items designed to make you feel better after a breakup and even laugh too.

If you are feeling angry, try the "Ex Knife Block Set" or let off some steam and vent with the "Things You Do That Piss Me Off" pad. There is also the "Get Back Out There Breakup Care Package" and the" Eat, Bitch & Wine Cookbook".

The site is filled with funny, clever items that are the perfect pick me up when you are feeling down. Angie has turned lemons into lemonade and now has an exciting new business that helps other people get over their own breakups. Can you turn your pain into profit? Remember, being successful and happy is the best revenge. Let Angie's story inspire you to pick yourself up and get moving. You have a gift to share and a success story waiting to be told. Follow your passion and find something to do that you love. By focusing on something new and positive in your life, the pain from your divorce will soon become a distant memory.

Cheating Husband Syndrome...

You would think that when a husband cheats on his wife, he would feel guilt and remorse. When confronting a cheating husband you would expect tears, apologies and begs for forgiveness from him. But often the opposite happens. A cheater who is caught red handed turns on his wife and becomes mean, nasty and confrontational. He blames her for forcing him to look elsewhere for affection. By attacking her, he eases his guilt and justifies his actions.

Many women, who confront their husbands about an affair, are shocked when their husbands display anger and indifference instead of remorse. Since women tend to blame themselves when things go wrong, many women will spend time wondering what they did to cause the affair. They agonize over what they might of done to drive their husbands into the arms of another woman. They beat themselves up, analyzing what they could of done differently to prevent the affair.

But what these women need to understand is that there was nothing they could of done. Their husband made a choice. That choice was made freely. If the husband was feeling unhappy in his marriage, he should of confronted his wife and dealt with the issues instead of choosing to become involved with another woman.

If your husband has cheated, do not blame yourself. His infidelity is not your fault. You are not responsible for another person's actions, only your own. Sometimes, as crazy as it may sound, an affair can be a gift. You now know what kind of person you are married to. A man who blames his wife for his infidelity is a coward.This is a person who cannot be trusted, a man who is immature and selfish. You have a choice to make. You can either stay married to a man that you cannot trust or you can start over and rebuild your life by surrounding yourself with positive, trustworthy people. Remember you cannot fix or change your husband, you can only change yourself.

Discover the secrets to a successful divorce.....

How To Cope When Your Spouse Has Cheated.....

At a recent divorce support group I organize, one of the members recounted his recent heartbreak about how he is dealing with his wife's affair. Although he had been separated for almost a year and his divorce was about to be finalized, he was still in a great deal of pain. He confided that just a few months ago, he was unable to even speak about his wife's betrayal. He went on to tell us how he felt sick to his stomach thinking about the woman he once loved with another man. He also spoke of feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

It may be surprising to think that a person whose spouse has cheated would feel this way. After all, they were not the one who committed adultery. But there are many "symptoms" one suffers from when dealing with the painful issue of infidelity. Here a few :

1. Shock and Confusion:You are stunned and feel numb,l ike your life's has become a bad dream and you are waiting to wake up. You just cannot fathom why your spouse would betray you.

2.Sadness. You have physical symptoms, such as nausea, stomach pain, chest pain and dizziness. You may lose your appetite and feel tired and listless.

3. Anger. You become irritable and daydream of ways to get even with your spouse and his lover.

4. Guilt: As you search your mind for answers, you start to blame yourself. You are not good enough, smart enough or attractive enough. You convince yourself that the reason your spouse strayed is because of one or all of these reasons.

5.Shame: Because your spouse has cheated, you feel embarrassed and ashamed to let others know. You feel like they are secretly thinking it must be your fault.

Know that it is normal to experience these painful emotions after discovering your spouse's affair. It will take time to heal from these wounds to your heart and soul. The most important realization that you must come to accept is that it was not your fault. Your spouse's infidelity is a refection on the kind of person he or she is, not who you are. Eventually there will be a day when you will be grateful that you are no longer married to someone who cannot be trusted.

A Thank You To The "Other Woman"

Four years ago this month I discovered my husband was having an affair. I was devastated. I remember waking up each morning feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. The pain was, at times ,unbearable. The man I once considered my best friend, the person I trusted the most, had betrayed me.

But most of my anger at the time was directed toward his mistress. I hated her with a passion. She had destroyed my family and turned my world upside down. In my opinion she was an evil woman who had no qualms about wrecking my marriage, hurting my children and trying to get every dime she could get her hands on. Eventually, she did leave my ex, but only after he ran out of money and spent a large part of our savings on her.

Now, four years later, I have a different viewpoint. Although the hell both my ex and this woman put my family through is inexcusable, I now feel as though I should thank her.

That might be a startling statement, but had she not come along, I would still be married to my ex. His affair revealed things that I had refused to look at for many years. The fact that he is not a very nice person. He is selfish, mean spirited and verbally abusive. During my marriage I buried my head in the sand and refused to see the truth about him and the state of our marriage. I saw myself as a happily married woman. I would have never considered divorce had he not cheated on me. I overlooked his flaws, as many women do, in order to preserve my marriage and keep my family intact. It took a stranger 's involvement in our marriage to uncover the truth.

The illusion had been shattered, thanks to the other woman. My life is so different than it was four years ago, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So sometimes there is a silver lining to even the darkest clouds. I suspect that the "other woman" is out there somewhere wrecking someone else's marriage. But I now believe that a predator like her can only expose the cracks that already exist in a marriage. A couple dealing with adultery can either try and repair those cracks through marriage counseling or divorce and go their separate ways.

If the choice is to end the marriage, there is hope. The pain will eventually subside and you may discover a new and exciting life that you never believed possible before.

Catching a Cheater

Should you spy on your spouse if you suspect he is having an affair? This can be a loaded question. Are you prepared for what you might uncover? Can you handle finding proof that your husband is cheating? What if you are wrong, are you prepared for the consequences of your husband finding out you are spying on him?

Be sure to answer these questions very carefully before deciding to act on your suspicions. Finding out your husband is having an affair is an emotionally devastating experience. If you decide to investigate, make sure you prepare yourself ahead of time for the worst case scenario.

Thanks to the Internet you can now be your own detective and purchase special tools to help you catch a cheater. According to http://www.chatcheaters.com there is array of high tech spy equipment to monitor your spouses every move.

Here are few available for purchase from their website:

1. Spy Software-you can install one on your husband’s computer and record everything he does. Some of these programs even install remotely

2. You can get a GPS recording device and place it into your husband’s trunk. You will be able to track your husband’s whereabouts, including the exact location on a street map and the time of day he was there. It records for up to 18 days.

3. How about this crazy gadget- a voice changer. You can buy this device and it will actually change your voice over the phone. This way you can call those numbers on your husband’s cell phone and pretend to be someone else to gather information.

4.There is even a portable lie detector. I am not sure how you would convince your husband to use it, although if he refuses this could be a sign of guilt.

5. If you husband is getting frequent emails from the same email address, you can use "The Email Tracer", it finds the identify of the sender of the email

Before you rush out and buy any of these gadgets, make sure you are comfortable morally and ethically with spying on your husband. Trust your gut instincts, if this kind of investigation makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it. Confronting your husband and seeing what his reaction is might be a better option. Deep down you will know if he is telling you the truth, we are built with the most powerful lie detector in the world, our own intuition.

Some Reasons For Adultery

Why do people commit adultery? There are many reasons a man or woman might give for being unfaithful. The most common reason is he or she claims to be "unhappy" in his or her marriage. They think that by having an affair they can escape the drudgery of daily life and live out a secret fantasy with their lover.

The person who cheats feels jaded and disappointed in life. They no longer feels young and are desperate to recapture the carefree days of their youth. The responsibilities of caring for children, working and pleasing a spouse have become too much. They yearn to escape, to go back to a simpler time in life when they were free to do as they please.

Most of the people who cheat do not want to end their marriages. They want their families,the illusion of a happy home life and the excitement of a lover too. Usually when they are caught they are forced to make a decision. Either their spouse asks for a divorce or they leave their spouse and family for their lover.

Some common excuses for adultery are that their spouse has let him or herself go physically, they are no longer interested in sex or they nag all of the time. These excuses are used as justifications for betrayal. These people will grasp onto to anything to assuage the guilt they may feel over cheating .I actually spoke to man who was having an affair who said he "felt like he was drowning and his lover was his life raft".

Although a person may be in a miserable marriage and unhappy it does not give him or her the right to go out and bring another person into the marriage. Finding out your spouse is having an affair is one of the most devastating emotions you can experience. The betrayal cuts like a knife. Anyone who has went through it can tell you it takes years to heal from that kind betrayal.

If a someone is in an unhappy marriage, they can make a different choice. They can make the choice to tell their spouse they want a divorce. They can make the choice to seek marriage counseling. They can make choices that do not involve hurting other people. Men and women who are tempted to cheat need to take responsibility and become accountable for their unhappiness instead of blaming others. If leaving the marriage is the only option , they need to stand up and do what is right by telling their spouse they want a divorce, instead of taking the cowardly way out.

Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats.....

I am sure you have heard the Carrie Underwood song of the same name by
now. Most of us who have been cheated on have probably fantasized about keying our ex's car or inflicting some of the damage Carrie sings about in her hit song. As difficult as it may be, you must control your emotions.
The type of out of control behavior depicted in the song will only end you up in jail with a retraining order issued against you.

So what can we do to move through the pain and anguish of being betrayed by our spouse? Do spouses who cheat care? Do they harden themselves so that they can ignore the pain they’re causing? If they could feel the actual pain they are causing would it change them? Would they care then?

Most of us who have been the victims of adultery have been forced to ponder these questions. We look at spouses who we lovingly trusted, people with whom we’ve had children, and we see them walking away, blind to the tears, and deaf to the sobs of others. It is as if they have found a way to separate themselves from all that led up to now, and cut themselves off from the past.

As we ponder, we ask why? A woman asks: Was I not good enough? A man might ask: Was I not caring enough? Either might want to know: Did I keep up my end? Was I supportive enough? We blame ourselves, and examine every small detail. Like detectives we search for clues, leads, and turning points. We ask the questions of a spouse who is no longer there, and in the end we are left right back where we started: Why? Why would

There are no easy answers, but there are guilty feelings that can and should be dealt with. First, remember: you did nothing to make your spouse stray. This was their choice, freely made. There is always a moment (or moments) when a responsible person can say: No. The responsibility is theirs, and for those of us they abandoned the question is not: Why did my marriage break up? Instead we begin with: Did a perfectly loyal, loving spouse really suddenly turn into a cheater? It’s likely that the answer is: No. Which leads us to the question: Are there signs that we ignored?

I searched my soul, and my memory, and found that the answer was: Yes. The indications were there, and I ignored them. I had evidence that my husband was not the wonderful, trusting man I had made him out to be. I put on my rose-colored glasses, and saw him only through those lenses, filtering out anything that might threaten my family and me.

After the marriage is over, it’s often a good idea to look back and learn. This shouldn't be the kind of thinking that only leads to you torturing yourself. If you’re still at that stage, don’t dwell on the past. Only do this when you are far enough past the shock and the wreckage that you can think of it as an object lesson, and want to avoid the same traps next time.