Getting Back Together with an Abuser..

I just read on people.com that singer Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together after he was arrested several weeks ago for allegedly beating and threatening her. How sad. It makes me think about all of the married women who are abused and yet cannot escape their abuser.

I had an aunt whose husband beat her up regularly. My father told the story of how, after my aunt had been hit yet again by her husband, he went to her house and beat up his brother-in-law. As he was hitting him, my aunt jumped on my father and screamed "Don't hurt him!". My father was shocked that she would defend her own abuser. The abuse finally stopped for my aunt when her husband left her. He also left his 6 daughters, never to be seen again and never sending one dime of child support.

Why would a woman defend, forgive and take back someone who hurts them? I think is is a combination of low self-esteem and psychological manipulation on the part of the abuser. For Rihanna, we see a beautiful, young, famous, wealthy woman who is not trapped with an abuser because she has no where to go or no income. Does she really "love" someone who is capable of hurting her so badly or is she addicted to someone she thinks she cannot live without?

Looking at an abusive marriage or relationship from the outside, you want to tell the woman to please get out, to protect herself and end the abuse. But the reality is many women will stay in an abusive relationship until it is too late. If you are reading this and are being abused, please know that you are worthy of respect, love and kindness. No one deserves to be hurt, either emotionally or physically. If you cannot think highly enough of yourself to leave, then do it for your kids or family or even for the man you claim to love. Allowing yourself to be abused does not help the abuser. You become an enabler and your abuser will never get the help he so desperately needs if you continue to be his punching bag. Gather your inner strength and stand up for yourself. Believe that you are a worthwhile, valuable person who deserves to be in a healthy, safe, loving relationship.

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In a Miserable Marriage but too Afraid to Leave?

Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy marriage but can't seem to bring yourself to leave? If so you are not alone. Many women are stuck in loveless, abusive marriages yet feel paralyzed with fear at the thought of ending the relationship.

Why do women put up with emotional and physical abuse? Why do we look the other way when we find out our spouse is cheating? I think there are several answers. One is self worth. Sadly, many women are brought up to believe that they are not good enough and actually feel they deserve the abuse they experience in their marriages.

Another reason is not wanting to "rock the boat", so to speak. By standing up for themselves, they fear that their husband will leave them and then they will be alone. This is a great fear amongst women. We are so afraid to be without a man to "take care of us". You would think that in this day and age with so many women out earning men in the workplace, women would feel confident about taking care of themselves and their children. But in reality, many women still believe that they cannot make it on their own without a man's support.

If you are in an abusive, loveless marriage and are afraid to leave because you fear being alone, you need to examine if staying in a miserable marriage is better than facing the unknown and reclaiming your dignity and self-respect. It won't be easy at first and yes, it is scary to be on your own. But the benefits of calling your own shots in life and living a life of your own choosing far outweigh the temporary discomfort and fear of leaving a bad marriage.

The Main Causes Of Divorce


There are no absolutely reliable figures on how many of us divorce. Several states, including California, don’t keep a tally of divorces. That makes any truly nationwide numbers impossible to calculate. Still, a number of organizations and agencies try to figure it out.

For many years the U.S. Census Bureau said that 50% of all marriages in the United States ended in divorce. Several years ago the National Center for Health Statistics revised that figure down to 43%. In 2002 the Census Bureau pushed it back up to 50%, but a recent New York Times survey puts the figure at 40%. From these figures it’s easy to see that no one knows the exact number, but clearly the fact is that a lot of us divorce.

But why do we divorce?
Because we are no longer friends?
If so, what killed the friendship?

It’s easy to say that a marriage failed because of an affair, or a lie, or some other breakdown. But what caused the breakdown? In most divorces there is a trigger, then there are reasons for the trigger, and finally there are underlying causes. Affairs and abuse can comprise all three factors: trigger, reason, and cause. Most surveys find that affairs and abuse taken together cause 45% to 55% of all divorces. Affairs are usually listed as causing anywhere from 25% to 34% of all divorces. In most polls 15% to 20% of all surveyed mention abuse as the main reason for their breakups.

Protect Yourself From An Abusive Ex In Your Divorce Settlement

If you are a woman who has been abused during your marriage and are now seeking a divorce, be sure to discuss with your lawyer how to protect yourself after the divorce has been settled. The extent of abuse, and the potential for further abuse, should be the most important factors in any divorce settlement. If there is an obvious threat of further abuse to a spouse and/or children, the contact should be limited or completely cut off. The safety of the victims must be the basis for settlement.

If the abuse is confined to the spouse, and isn’t sustained or life threatening, a judge will often arrange for visitation rights with the children. If this is the case, make sure all conditions are met to ensure your own safety when exchanging children for a visit. Judges sometimes draw up conditions for these exchanges that include third parties (trusted friends or family members), performing the exchange in a public place, or other security measures. It is crucial that you protect yourself and make sure that your lawyer or the judge adds these provisions to any visitations with the children in the divorce settlement.

Also, be aware that sometimes a physical abuser can easily turn into an emotional abuser.
Your divorce may be final, but that doesn't mean you ex will automatically stop his abusive behavior. Be on guard, continue to keep your distance from your ex-spouse and keep alert to any possible signs of abuse towards the children.

Healing the Wounds of Martial Abuse

How does one heal oneself or one’s children from the traumas of abuse? Physical wounds and scars are problematic enough, but much of the injury is done to the heart and mind. How can a victim become whole again?
The aftereffects of abuse can take many forms, including depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD, which includes numbness, edginess, and reliving the event), insomnia, headaches, muscle aches, aggressiveness, delinquency and school problems (in children and teens), and withdrawal.

Encourage children and teens to talk about it. You don’t have to be pushy, but always let them know you are open to their problems. If problems arise with their teachers, neighbors, or other kids, try to use these as opportunities to get the child to talk.

Remember, many of the same things apply to adults. Depression and PTSD were first recognized as adult problems; however, we now know they have a role in children’s lives too. If you have successfully escaped from an abusive situation, and all the evidence tells you that you and your children are reasonably secure, watch out for signs of depression and PTSD. If you find yourself dwelling on what happened, or if you are often overtaken by feelings of fear, malaise, or pessimism, talk it out with someone you trust. Don’t be afraid to seek help. There are many counseling programs available through state and local agencies. Don’t feel as if you have to tough it out on your own. These problems are as real, and can be as debilitating, as any physical wounds. If a physical injury continued to bother you, would you hesitate to go for help? Injuries to the mind and spirit are the same.