Does Marriage Ruin a Relationship?

A couple dated for 9 years and then got married and one year later are getting divorced. Sound familiar? I am sure you have heard a variation of this story before. Why is that many couples who are happy living together decide to make their union legal and wind up ruining the relationship?

It seems that the celebrity couples that live together without getting married stay together longer too. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Jenny McCartney and Jim Carrey, Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford, plus a host of other celeb couples have discovered the secret of not getting married. Many divorcees have caught on too, vowing never to walk down the aisle again.

There are of course, reasons for a couple to marry, some of them practical and financial. Issues like health insurance, inheritance and being the next of kin should something happen to your partner are reasons some long term couples eventually do decide to tie the knot.

Another thing to consider is that sometimes couples will attempt to save a failing relationship by getting married or having a child and then split shortly after the wedding. So it wasn't getting married that wrecked the relationship after all.

I think getting married, whether after a divorce or for the first time, is a personal decision that one must make by following your heart and trusting your instincts. Not all marriages end in divorce and we still hear about couples celebrating their 20, 3o , 40 or even 50th wedding anniversaries. The key is finding the right person and having a healthy relationship and then it won't matter if you get married or not, you will be happy with the one you love.

Three Stupid Mistakes Divorced People Make...

I was inspired to write about the stupid mistakes divorced people make after reading about the ongoing divorce battle between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards. Charlie Sheen has said and done some very dumb things and hopefully you can learn from his mistakes and not repeat them during your own divorce. Here they are:

1. Do not leave threatening messages on your ex's voicemail. This should be a no brainer for anyone going through a nasty divorce. If you lose control and leave angry messages on your ex's voicemail, be certain that your ex will use it against you. Denise Richards released tapes of her ex calling her all sorts of horrible names and racial slurs.

2. When you give a gift to your children, it becomes their property and you cannot tell them to leave it at "your house" and not bring it to your ex's home. This is a huge mistake divorcing parents make, In an effort to control their ex, they will buy the kids clothes and toys that are only for their own home, not to be brought to mom or dad's. This is upsetting to the children and puts them in the middle. Charlie Sheen did this recently, when during his recent wedding, he bought his two young daughter's necklaces and demanded they take them off before returning home to their mother's house.

3. This one is obvious. Do not bad mouth your ex to anyone who will listen. Let's face it, most of us are guilty of this. We get a sympathetic ear, and off we go, bashing the ex. It makes us feel good to get someone "on our side". But what it really does is create negative energy and prolong the time it takes to recover from your divorce. Limit your discussions about your ex to a few family members or good friends. Both Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are guilty of bashing each other and have the entire world as their audience. Unfortunately the drama and bitterness cannot end until they both stop talking and let go of the anger and hatred they have for one another.

Friends With the Ex: It is Possible!...

You may think that there is no way you can ever be friends with your ex, but surprisingly,some divorcing couples, even those who have been through bitter, nasty divorces, have been able to repair some of the damage and become friends again.

I recently heard of a couple who went through a difficult divorce years ago. Neither of them ever imagined at the time that they would be able to be friends again. They now live on the same street, both are remarried and get together frequently with the new spouses.

Another divorced woman I know has her ex-husband over for coffee several times a week. My former mother in law, after being divorced for 13 years, took her ex-husband in when he was dying of cancer and cared for him up until his death. Stories like theses give us hope that just maybe we can put the bitterness and hurt feelings from the past behind us and be able to get along again with our ex-spouses.

In these examples, it took years for the couples to become friends again. Another factor to consider is that these couples are now in their 60's and 70's, so maybe time does heal all wounds.

Right now the only thing you may feel for your ex is hatred and anger and the thought of being his friend seems impossible. But give yourself time to work through your emotions. Friendship with the ex may not be possible right now, but you never know what the future holds.

Cheating Husband Syndrome...

You would think that when a husband cheats on his wife, he would feel guilt and remorse. When confronting a cheating husband you would expect tears, apologies and begs for forgiveness from him. But often the opposite happens. A cheater who is caught red handed turns on his wife and becomes mean, nasty and confrontational. He blames her for forcing him to look elsewhere for affection. By attacking her, he eases his guilt and justifies his actions.

Many women, who confront their husbands about an affair, are shocked when their husbands display anger and indifference instead of remorse. Since women tend to blame themselves when things go wrong, many women will spend time wondering what they did to cause the affair. They agonize over what they might of done to drive their husbands into the arms of another woman. They beat themselves up, analyzing what they could of done differently to prevent the affair.

But what these women need to understand is that there was nothing they could of done. Their husband made a choice. That choice was made freely. If the husband was feeling unhappy in his marriage, he should of confronted his wife and dealt with the issues instead of choosing to become involved with another woman.

If your husband has cheated, do not blame yourself. His infidelity is not your fault. You are not responsible for another person's actions, only your own. Sometimes, as crazy as it may sound, an affair can be a gift. You now know what kind of person you are married to. A man who blames his wife for his infidelity is a coward.This is a person who cannot be trusted, a man who is immature and selfish. You have a choice to make. You can either stay married to a man that you cannot trust or you can start over and rebuild your life by surrounding yourself with positive, trustworthy people. Remember you cannot fix or change your husband, you can only change yourself.

Discover the secrets to a successful divorce.....

Do Couples Who Go To The Bathroom Together, Stay Together?..

A company who has invented the "TwoDaLoo - A Supertoilet That Saves Rocky Marriages and The Planet" seems to think so. According to the manufacturer's website "It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station". For a mere $1,400 you too can own a love toilet for two.

But why would you want to? If your marriage is on the rocks the last thing you would want to do is start going to the bathroom together. How horribly unromantic and disgusting. A person's bathroom activities should remain private. Couples usually start fighting because of too much together time and not enough personal space. This crazy product will probably cause more divorces. It is amusing and better left as an entertaining story than something someone would actually go out and purchase.

How Much Do You Think Your Divorce Will Cost?.....

After much soul searching, you have finally made the decision to divorce. Your next step, after informing your spouse, is to seek legal representation. But do you really have any idea how much this divorce will cost you? Unfortunately, most divorcing couples are unaware of how expensive a divorce can really be.

You may have the best intentions in the beginning of your divorce proceedings and even contemplate hiring a mediator to negotiate your divorce settlement. If however you or your spouse, decides to wage an all out divorce war, you may find yourself embroiled in a lengthy and expensive trial.

So just how much money does a divorce cost? Boston Law Collaborative, a law firm specializing in collaborative divorce analyzed 199 of its recent divorce cases, and found that mediation, collaborative divorce and litigation all produced high rates of successful settlement. Mediation was by far the least expensive option, with a median cost of $6,600, compared to $19,723 for a collaborative divorce, $26,830 for settlements negotiated by rival lawyers, and $77,746 for full-scale litigation.

These numbers represent the harsh reality of the high price divorcing couples pay financially when they refuse to settle their divorce amicably.From the Boston law firm's study, there is a difference of over $71,000 in savings by choosing to use a mediator instead of going for full scale litigation. That is money that can be used for your children's college educations instead of thrown away on divorce attorney fees.

Hopefully this information will serve as a wake up call to divorcing couples who are hell bent on destroying each in the courtroom. If there is any chance of settling your divorce through mediation or by using collaborative divorce lawyers, do it. The price you pay both financially and emotionally by battling your spouse in court is just not worth it.

How To Hire A Divorce Lawyer With No Money...

The Washington State Supreme Court rejected a woman's claim that she had a right to have a publicly appointed attorney in her divorce case. Sadly, the woman lost custody of her three children during her divorce because she could not afford an attorney and represented herself. The court feels that "divorces are civil matters that do not warrant state-funded counsel".

The playing field in divorce court is obviously not level when the spouse who has greater access to money can hire a divorce lawyer and the poorer spouse is left to represent herself. The woman in this case did initially hire a divorce lawyer using her rent money, but was financially unable to continue to pay legal fees.

The old saying "only a fool represents themselves" is quite true in divorce court. Without a lawyer you stand very little chance of being successful, especially if your soon to be ex has hired a legal shark. But there are some measures you can take if you are facing a divorce and have very little or no money for an attorney:

1. Most divorce lawyers do not want you to know this, but they can file a motion with the court asking that your spouse foot your legal bills. If your spouse is the primary breadwinner and you do not have access to the martial funds, this is a good option. But beware, unless there are significant martial assets, most divorce lawyers prefer to get their retainer directly from you. They rather not petition the court before they have received any funds. You may have to interview several lawyers before finding one who will agree to this.

2. If borrowing from family and friends is not an option and you have no open credit or assets, then you can try pleading your case to divorce lawyers and ask them to represent you without a retainer. If there are martial assets that will be divided after the divorce is final, a lawyer may agree to represent you and collect his fee later.

3. If there are no martial assets to be divided in the divorce and you are facing a custody issue, you could try asking divorce lawyers to represent you pro bono (free of charge). This will be difficult, but if you are at risk of losing custody of your kids, and have a solid case, you may be able to persuade a law firm to help you. After all, lawyers are people too and you never know who may have a heart and lend you a hand. If this is the route you must take, you need to be persistent and not give up after being told no. Keep trying until you find someone who can help you.

When Divorce Becomes War

Once upon a time you were busy planning all of the details of your wedding, enthralled with the concept of marriage, convinced that you would live happily ever after with your new mate. As you walked down the aisle, vowing to spend the rest of your life with this person, did it ever cross your mind that someday this very same person could become your worst enemy?Probably not. So what happened? How could the person you once loved and trusted with all of your heart turn on you and try to destroy you in a nasty divorce battle?

Of course, not all divorces end on a sour note, but why do some divorces end peacefully while others turn into long, painful expensive battles where couples viciously attack each other?
I don't' think most divorcing couples set out to destroy each other in the beginning. Many may have hopes of resolving their differences in a mature matter and fairly splitting assets, but add in a unscrupulous divorce attorney, well meaning friends and family who give bad advice and the anger and frustration that led you to want a divorce in the first place, and you have a recipe for divorce disaster.

The difference between couples who are able to settle their divorces amicably and those who fight to the bitter end, may come down to the use of a mediator. Couples who seek out a mediator early on in the divorce process are more likely to spend less money on attorney fees, less time In family court and be able to end their marriage on a friendlier note.

If you want to aviod a divorce war, before you seek out the best divorce attorney in town, consider talking to your spouse about hiring a mediator. In the end, the only winners in a divorce battle are the divorce lawyers, everyone else, including the children, lose.

Man Wants Divorce Because The "Other Man" Is A Dog

I realize I have written a few posts lately about divorce and dogs, but I just could not resist sharing this odd story. A Japanese man filed for divorce because he was jealous of his wife's dog.

Apparently they had a happy marriage before she brought home the pooch a year ago. The marriage went downhill when she starting giving the dog attention and allowing it to sleep in their bed.

The judge is this case threw it out of court and said "the couple should try to reach an agreement on the best way to treat the pet", according to chinadaily.com

Although this story may seem strange, many men have the same sort of feelings when a new baby is born. They feel neglected because their wives are busy caring for the newborn and feelings of jealousy arise. These pent up feelings of anger and resentment can lead to arguments and even divorce.

The solution? If you are having marital issues soon after a new baby or pet has joined your family, make sure that your husband is included in the baby's or puppy's care and try to give him some extra attention so that he feels loved and wanted.

Another Reason For Divorce-When Your Spouse is Gay

A reason for divorce that you may be surprised to hear is about is when one partner admits that he or she is gay. This is more common then you might think. Usually, the spouse who has "come out of the closet" may have not wanted to admit he or she was gay and was suppressing their true feelings during the marriage.

I know of a woman whose husband announced he was gay, after a few too many drinks, at her son's first communion party. She had no idea that her husband was gay and the news came a complete shock. She got a divorce and is now remarried. Her ex is in a happy, long term, same sex relationship.

Former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey shocked the nation when he announced in August 2004 that he was "a gay American" and would resign. Governor McGreevey has been married twice and is the father of two children. He is currently embroiled in a bitter divorce and custody battle with his ex-wife, Dina Matos McGreevey

So how do you know if your husband is gay? Here are a few signs, according to infidelity expert Ruth Houston and author of "Is He Cheating on You: 829 Telltale Signs."

Suspicious non-verbal communication with other men -- a look, a touch or hug that lasts a little too long or has undertones of intimacy
Frequenting gay or bisexual Web sites -- check the history in your Internet browser
An abundance of male friends with whom he seems to be too close or too familiar
Lots of phone calls from other men
Buying or receiving expensive, intimate, or overly personal gifts from other men
Overreacts to anything concerning gay men -- extreme homophobic behavior
Unusually high percentage of male friends who are gay
Spends more time with his male friends than with you
Male friends who are overly friendly

It is important not to accuse your spouse of being gay without proof. If you are suspicious, you should ask your husband if he is gay. He may be relived to finally be able to admit the truth and stop living a life where he is not being honest with himself or you.

Using A Mediator To Settle Your Divorce


If you are going into mediation, remember that every aspect of your financial life with your spouse has to be closely scrutinized. These will be weighed in terms of your lifestyle and your standards of living, both together and apart. You will need to itemize all household expenses, household contents, properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, vehicles, furniture, and other items of value. Make sure you take into account all childcare costs, including daycare, religious education, sports, and other after-school activities and lessons. Consider the cost of birthday parties attended, lunch money, school dues, clothing, and camp. If your children are young, adjust for expenses as they grow, and include those projections in your plan.

It’s best for you and your spouse to gather all of this information beforehand; doing this together can be useful. If you find yourselves disagreeing on something, set it aside. Agree to bring up all disputes only when you are with the mediator. If you can do this, then mediation might be the route for you. If you have problems with your spouse while gathering information, it may be a sign of bad times ahead.

If you and your spouse can agree on a fair settlement and iron out the details of your divorce without bitterness you will be extremely fortunate. Your children will be spared any emotional trauma and you can co-parent them together. This is an ideal situation, and if you are lucky enough to have a cooperating spouse you will emerge from your divorce as unscathed as possible.