Why Staying Together for the Sake of the Kids is Not Always a Good Idea...

We hear so much about how damaging divorce is to children and how kids are almost always better off living with two parents who are married. But if your home is filled with shouting, anger and disrespect, a divorce may be better for your kids in the long run.

I was watching an episode of "Marriage 911" a show where a marriage counselor spends time with a family on the verge of a divorce. This couple was so mean to one another. The husband called his wife a "fat slob" in front of the kids and the wife told the kids that "dad is a moron". The fighting was endless, with the couple battling it out in front of the children.

Finally, the older daughter wrote a sign that said "Breakup or Shut up". Her parents were shocked, but realized the kid was right. All of their fighting and put downs was emotionally damaging their kids. Fortunately,this couple (with the help of the marriage counselor)was able to save their marriage and stop fighting.

The fact is children who are subjected to years of witnessing their parents fight, will suffer emotionally. They risk growing up and entering into their own dysfunctional relationships. If you are thinking about getting a divorce, but just staying together for the kids' sake, think again. Unless you can repair your marriage and start treating each other with respect, you are not doing your kids any favors.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Sharing Your Kids with Your Ex's New Love....

I was watching "Desperate Housewives" tonight and the storyline hit home for many divorced parents. "Susan" a character with a young son was having a hard time accepting that her son actually liked her ex-husband's girlfriend. It was very threatening to her that her child would want to spend time with her ex's new love and this fictional character tried to forbid her ex's girlfriend from spending time with her son.

Feelings of jealousy of the ex's new girlfriend or boyfriend can crop up. The jealousy divorced parents feel is not a romantic kind of jealously but rather a feeling of having your place as a parent threatened by this new person in your kid's lives. On one hand you want your kids to like the new girlfriend or boyfriend and hope he or she is a good person. But on the other hand, you may feel like your child may like this person better than you and you could lose your child's love.

Although these feelings are completely normal, they are unjustified. Your children know who their mom and dad are and will not replace you with someone else in their hearts, no matter how nice they might be. It helps to try and think of it in a different light. If your ex has found someone special who is going to be in your kids lives, be grateful if he or she is a good person and will have a positive impact on your children. Many divorced parents find themselves in a horrible situation when their ex's new love does not treat their children well.

If your kids have a good relationship with the new girlfriend or boyfriend, try to be supportive. When it comes time for you to introduce your kids to your new love, you will have an easier time if the kids have already been through all of the emotions associated with accepting a parent's new relationship.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Octuplet Rage: Is America Biased against Single Moms?

I am surprised by the public outrage against the woman who
gave birth to octuplets. It is odd for a single woman to have 14
children by in-vitro fertilization, but this woman's situation seems to have sparked intense anger and disgust from the media, bloggers and even the woman's own mother. People are angry that she has gone ahead and given birth to all of these children without a husband. Many assume she will be on public assistance and the tax payers will foot the bill for raising these children.

But no one questions the couple on the TV show who now have 18 children or the couple who star in the show "Jon and Kate plus 8". Jon and Kate were not well off by any means when their sextuplets were born. We do not know how the mom of the octuplets will support her children yet or if the natural father will help raise the kids , so to rush to judgement about her is unfair. I even read that diaper companies and other baby companies are not giving this woman freebies. Other couples who have multiple births get free diapers, baby food, clothes and even donated homes for free. But here is a single mom who is being offered nothing because she is not married? Or maybe it is because we think she is mentally unstable?

Whatever the reason, America has forgotten that 8 healthy babies have been born at once. These babies are the only surviving octuplets in our country. It is a miracle that they are alive and doing so well. How they were conceived is not our business. Let's not rush to judgment.
Children do deserve to have two parents and grow up in a loving home, but as many of us have found out through divorce, that is not always possible. I think it hits a raw nerve with people when a woman decides to become a single parent on her own. The bottom line is that these 8 babies are here and no amount of hatred and ill will towards their mother will change the circumstances surrounding their conception.

You may feel that this woman is off her rocker and disagree with how she conceived her children but the babies deserve our well wishes and good thoughts. I sincerely hope that people will rise above their judgments and lend a helping hand to this woman for the babies'(and her other children's) sake.

This Dad Should be Ashamed of Himself...

Dow Jones heir Jeffery Stevenson lied about his income and hid assets during his divorce in an attempt to reduce child support payments to his child. He told the court he was only making $38,000 a year as a Carpenter and was ordered to pay only $512 a month in child support. He child even qualified for reduced free lunches.

It was recently revealed that Stevenson failed to disclose trust funds worth at least $4 million during his 1997 divorce. At a trial in 2007, Stevenson admitted he was not a professional carpenter and testified his net worth was $17 million. He also receives at least $358,000 in annual income from five different trust funds, In addition he owna a $3.3 million home in Key Largo, Fla., $600,000 in other real estate and $275,000 in vehicles. His child support payments have been increased to $5,500 a month and he will have to pay at least $160,00 in retroactive child support payments and his ex-wife's attorney fees.

How pathetic. This man knowingly allowed his child to live in poverty while he lived like a king!

Thankfully, justice has been served in this case, but how many other parents are out there who have hid assets during a divorce and lied about their income and are getting away with it? Sadly, the men and women who commit these acts think they are getting over on their exes but the they are hurting their own children instead.

If you have reason to believe your ex is hiding assets or lying about income, then you need to be proactive and find the proof you need to take him or her back to family court. It won't be easy, but with a little detective work you may be able to uncover hidden money you never knew your ex had. There are many online websites that can track down a person's assets and current employer. Do some research first so that you know you are dealing with a reputable company and most of all, don't give up! Your children's financial future and quality of life is at stake.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

A Father's Nightmare and How You Can Help...

Did you watch Dateline last night? I was so shocked and upset

after hearing how New Jersey father David Goldman's has not been able

to see his son in four and a half years after his wife abducted the boy

in 2004 and fled to Brazil.

Since then David Goldman has been living a nightmare, fighting the Brazilian court system, trying to get back his son. The story become

even more bizarre when his wife (who divorced him in Brazil and married

a Brazilian Lawyer) died in August after giving birth to her second child.

Even though their son now has only one living parent, his ex-wife's husband will not give back Sean Goldman to his father and has even petitioned the Brazilian court to remove David Goldman's name form his own son's birth certificate. He has also defied a court order allowing Mr. Goldman a weekend visit with the boy by hiding the child.

It is frightening to think that a parent can kidnap a child, move to another country and get away with it. As divorced parents we need to send a clear message to our government and governments around the world that this is unacceptable. Sean Goldman is an American citizen who has been kidnapped, yet our government has not demanded the Brazilian government return the child.

Please go to www.bringseanhome.org and sign an online petition to help reunite Sean and his father. There are also other ways to help on the website. Let's help this divorced father get back his son.

When Your Kids Are Still Suffering from Your Divorce..

You would think that with the divorce rate at close to 50%, most kids would be going to school with other children of divorce. Apparently this is not the case in my neighborhood. My kids have informed me that ALL of their friends live with both their parents and they are the only ones whose parents are divorced.

I find this hard to believe, but it does seem like the friends they hang out with live with both parents. Of course, this makes me feel bad for my kids. No child likes to think that he or she is the only one whose parent's have divorced.

What brought about this recent revelation was an argument my teenage sons had with a close friend. He made a comment that " at least he has a dad who lives with him". This hurt both my sons deeply, since they are still recovering from my divorce and they only see their dad a few times a year. They are both very angry with this boy and no longer want to be his friend.

Just when I thought my kids were finally dealing with the divorce, the old wounds were reopened. I guess children never fully get over their parent's divorce. A comment said in poor taste, reignited my sons' anger and hurt. And of course, when your children are feeling hurt, you want to do everything you can to protect them and shield them from the pain. Unfortunately, there is not much a parent can do to make up for the other's parent's lack of attention and involvement in their children's lives.

My ex and I live in different states but I only moved when it was painfully obvious that my ex was not going to give my kids the kind of attention they deserved. He would frequently miss his weekend visits and never once used his once a week dinner visitation. Ironically, once we moved, he did become a better father. He calls them more and when he does see the kids, he pays more attention to them.

The other side of the coin here is that although children suffer from our divorces, how much worse off do the kids whose parents stick it out in a miserable marriage suffer? Some the same kids my children might envy for living with both mom and dad may be living a nightmare behind close doors. Appearances can be deceiving. My own parents fought all of the time and when I was a kid and I wished they would get a divorce. Living for years in an abusive, volatile household will most likely inflict more damage on a child than a divorce.

Not many children grow up in a perfect family. All we can do is our best and provide our kids with love, attention and support. Hopefully, they will grow up to be compassionate, caring adults who learned important life lessons from being raised in a single family household.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Isn't This Ironic?...

My ex-husband, a reformed deadbeat dad, who spent a month in jail for not paying child support is now dating a woman with 3 kids whose ex-husband is a deadbeat. He told me that his girlfriend's ex is a "scumbag".

The irony of this situation did not escape me. My ex even bought groceries for his girlfriend's family since she was left with no money to feed her children. My ex has been current on his child support payments for several years now, so he has learned his lesson. I just thought it was ironic

that he was once a deadbeat and now is helping a single mom whose ex does not pay child support.

I am actually thrilled to see that he is acting more like the man he once was. The man I married was generous and caring. During the divorce, I did not know who he was. It was like the movie invasion of the body snatchers. The man I knew disappeared and a mean, crazy person had taken over his body. I would have never guessed that he could be capable of not supporting his children for a year. It is good to see him acting kind and generous again.

We often label people (especially our exes) as being bad, but it is really their behavior that is deplorable. Most people do have some seeds of goodness in them. It is difficult to see that goodness when they are acting out and hurting us. It has taken me years to see my ex as anything but a selfish man, but I try to remember how he was before the divorce and some of the good qualities he had. I am happy that he has found someone who seems to bringing out the best in him.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

What to Do When Your Ex Badmouths You ....

I am in the process of "deprogramming" my kids after they spent several days with their dad. Although my ex does not badmouth me directly, he likes to make jokes and wisecracks about me to the kids. Jokes about me being a vegetarian, about the books I read, and how mom is "chaotic" and "crazy" are the norm. I feel like my kids come home after a visit with their dad with a little less respect for me.

Many divorced parents struggle with an ex who blatantly disrespects them in front of the children. Lingering feelings of anger and resentment from the divorce are usually to blame for such behavior. The children are put in a no-win situation of having to either defend the parent being attacked verbally or go along with mom or dad's tirade.

There may be little you can do to stop your ex from badmouthing you in from of the children, but you can control your reaction to it and help your children deal with it. It is tempting to lash out or make jokes about your ex to your kids after hearing about his or her remarks, but that will only make things worse for your kids. Most divorced parents have been guilty of making a negative comment or two about the ex in front of the kids. Everyone slips up now and then. The key is to try and catch yourself and not let it become a habit. If you are feeling angry with your ex,vent to a friend in private when your children are not around. The damage comes when a parent continuously makes hurtful comments to the children in order to undermine the other parent.

I try and let my ex's little comments about me go and not make my kids feel uncomfortable when they tell me dad's latest "mom" joke. Of course, if your ex is trying to poison your kids against you and it has gone beyond the occasional comments and jokes, you need to take action. First, inform your ex that his or her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. This probably will have little effect, but you still need to put him or her on notice. Then focus on helping your children understand that mom or dad is feeling angry and upset and that although it is not an excuse to say mean things about you to them, you will not take it personally.

You can also advise your children to politely tell mom or dad that it upsets them to hear negative comments about their parents and they would prefer it if neither parent talked about the other to them. If the comments continue, you may want to consider professional counseling for your children to help them cope. No child should be forced to take sides during a divorce or forced to hear disparaging remarks about a parent. A therapist or counselor can help your children deal with a parent who continues to badmouth the other parent in front of them.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Dating After Divorce Dilemma: Blending Your Kids with His

Dating after a divorce can be an exciting time. With your divorce finally behind you, you look forward to meeting someone new. But when you or your new love have children, complications can soon set it.

It would be great if life were like the Brady Bunch and your kids and his kids all got along, but in reality, many children feel resentful and upset when their parents date. Expecting them to accept your new mate's children can be difficult as well.

A friend of mine has three children and her ex-husband recently remarried and had a baby. His wife has 4 children from a previous marriage. Her kids are overwhelmed and confused when visiting dad and his new, large, instant family. They complain that they no longer get any alone time with their dad and visits are chaotic are less frequent.

Blending families successfully is a huge challenge. If your kids do not like your boyfriend or his kids do not like you, it can put a huge strain on your relationship. Here a three ways to minimize the trauma to your kids and help them accept your new love and his children:

1. Take it slow. Do not introduce your kids to his kids to quickly. Give your kids time to get to know your new boyfriend first.

2. Keep visits with your boyfriend's kids short and infrequent in the beginning. Do not overwhelm your children by forcing them to spend time with your boyfriend's family. Give them time to develop their own relationship with his kids.

3. Make sure to spend plenty of time with your kids. It is easy to become distracted with your new love and want to be with him all of the time. However if you have children, they will become resentful. They crave your attention and need to feel secure.

A divorce is difficult enough on a child. You can only imagine how confusing it must be for a child to see his parents dating new people and then having to share his parents with other children who are not his siblings. The key is to take it slow and give your children time to accept your new relationship. With time, extra attention and patience, most children will eventually come around.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

When Children of Divorce Take Sides....

It is a well known fact that divorce not only hurts children, it can also sever relationships between parents and grown children. When a teenager or adult child decides to side with one parent during the divorce, it can damage the parent-child relationship forever.

My own 22 year old daughter has not spoken to her father in almost 5 years. Because of my ex's actions and behaviors during our divorce, she chooses not to have him in her life. I have encouraged her to try and forgive her father, but she is not ready to make amends. She feels that until he expresses true remorse over his behavior during the divorce and stops placing blame on others, she does not want a relationship with him.

Of course it makes me feel horrible that my ex and her father, who were once very close do not have a father-daughter relationship anymore. But what drove my daughter to cut off ties with her dad were some horrible comments he made during the divorce about her grandfather who then passed away months later. At her age, I must respect her decision to not speak to her father, but it is still makes me sad to hear my ex tell people he has 3 children when he has 4 and I feel bad that my daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle someday. Maybe they will eventually reconcile, but until then there is little I can do to help repair their relationship.

I think divorcing couples need to be careful about confiding in teenage or adult children during a divorce. You may have the best intentions and want to be honest with your adult child about the divorce, but letting adult children in on the ugly details of the divorce can backfire and cause the child to take sides. It is bad enough that friends and family often take sides, but when a child chooses end a relationship with a parent because of a divorce, it can be devastating.

Could You Go to Jail for Emotionally Damaging Your Child During a Divorce?....

A couple from Milan, Italy is facing up to five years in prison for emotionally damaging their son during their divorce. Prosecutors say that the couples' arguing and fighting in the presence of the child have caused him to become anxious and depressed. The describe the child as "disturbed".

If this applied to parents in the U.S., the jails would be filled. The sad part is most divorcing couples do not set out to intentionally harm their children. I believe most parents truly love their kids and try their best to shield their children during divorce, but often let their emotions get the best of them. They say and do things during a divorce without thinking, like bad mouthing the other parent or fighting in front of the child.

Sending parents to jail will only hurt the children further. Can you imagine this poor Italian boy, having already been through his parent's difficult divorce, now having to worry that both his parents will be taken away from him and thrown in jail? It it ridiculous. The Italian courts would better serve the child if they mandated that both parents and the child attend counseling sessions so that they can heal the wounds from the divorce and move on.

I interviewed Rosalind Sedacca, author of How do I tell the Kids About the Divorce? and asked her what is the most effective way to break the divorce news to kids. Watch the video for her answer.

What Your Child Really Fears After the Divorce...

My soon to be 11 year old daughter mentioned to me the other day that she spoke with her dad's girlfriend's daughter, who is 12, on the phone. I thought that was nice. They have not yet met and I am glad to see my ex finally dating someone with kids. When I asked my daughter if the little girl had called her, she told me that her dad put her on the phone.

I could sense something was not right in the way my daughter was acting. At first, she kept insisting everything was fine, but upon further pressing, she confessed that she missed her dad and felt a little funny about her dad spending time with another family.

She also told me about the twin girls at her school. During an in school counseling session for children with divorced parents, they said that their dad likes his "new kids" better then them. They felt that their dad spent more time with his new family and gave more attention to his step kids.

I think this is what sparked my own daughter's fears- that her dad would remarry and forget about her. I reassured her that her dad loves her very much and no one could replace her.

She also said something I found very surprising when asked about how she would feel if her dad married his girlfriend. She said she would be upset because then it would be "over". Meaning there really would be no chance of mom and dad getting back together.

I honestly had never thought about that. Since my divorce was so bitter and there was never a chance for reconciliation, I assumed my children would understand that. But because my daughter was so young when we separated, I think she held on to the hope many kids with divorced parents have of seeing their parents get back together.

I share this with you because had I not initiated a conversation with my daughter I would have had no idea she was feeling this way. Children often bury their fears and it can be difficult to know when something is bothering them. If you or your ex is in a new relationship, it is a good idea to reassure your kids that even if one of you does remarry and have step children, they can never be replaced and nothing can change the way you love them.

Do Stay at Home Dads Deserve Alimony?..

I recently met a man who has been a stay at home dad for over 10 years and is now facing a divorce. He gave up his career to take care of the children while his wife climbed the corporate ladder, becoming quite successful. Now he is faced with the harsh reality of having to get back into the workforce and try and jump start a career he left 10 years ago.

Obviously he will not be able to earn anywhere near what he would have been earning had he continued to work all of these years. Most women in this situation would have no problem asking for alimony. But some men feel awkward asking their wives for alimony in a divorce settlement, even though they clearly deserve it. Men may be afraid of being ridiculed or viewed as less of a "man" by asking for alimony.

It may have to do with the way society traditionally has viewed a man. Men have been expected to be providers for their families. But with so many women in the workforce nowadays, it is nice to see fathers taking an interest in their children and giving up careers to care for their children.

Many men do not feel their wives deserve alimony either, which is a shame. It does not matter which parent has chosen to stay home to raise the kids, the parent who has given up their career to benefit the family should receive some form of rehabilitative alimony.

You would think that a person who has had the luxury of having his or her spouse be able to stay home and raise the kids would be grateful and want to compensate the other parent in the event of a divorce. Think about how much daycare or a nanny, a maid, chauffeur and many of the other jobs stay at home parents perform and how much that would cost a family over the years. They would be paying a small fortune without the other parent there to take care of the household.

I have heard women and men refer to their stay at home spouses as "lazy". Any parent who has stayed home taking care of kids can tell you going to work is alot easier! It is time divorcing parents who are the primary caregivers are given the respect and compensation they deserve in the event of a divorce.

Gay Former Governor Does not have to Pay Alimony....

Former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey, who has admitted he is gay, does not have to pay alimony to his former wife, Dina Matos. A judge did rule that he must pay child support for his 6 year old daughter in the amount of $1075 per month.

I was very surprised at this ruling because the main issue of the divorce trial was whether or not Mr. McGreevey was purposely underemployed. Judges can impute wages to people they feel are not earning what they are capable of in a divorce case and I assumed that Mr. McGreevey would be imputed income, considering he was once making several hundred thousand dollars per year but now claims to be "poor". He wants to be a priest and has even turned down a lucrative offer from a NJ radio station to host his own radio show.

The judge actually said that McGreevey was being supported by his rich boyfriend while studying at a seminary to be a priest and, therefore, didn't need employment to support himself. So the former governor still gets to live a life of luxury, courtesy of his lover, while his daughter only gets $1,075 per month? Why is this man allowed to under employ himself when he has children to support? The judge knows he is capable of earning more ,yet is allowing him to dramatically reduce his income.

I recently coached a woman, also from NJ, who has been a stay at home mom for 13 years with no skills, no income and two children with special needs, yet the judge in her divorce case feels she should be imputed income, meaning whether she has a job or not, the judge will come up with an amount he feels she can earn and that figure will be used when calculating child support.

Mr. McGreevy gets to minimally support his daughter to pursue a career that does not pay well just because he has a rich boyfriend and this woman has to go out and find a job, when with her skills, she will be lucky to make $10 per hour?

This is just another example of what can happen if you cannot settle your divorce and you put your trust in the family court system. You are at the mercy of judges, lawyers and a system that is not always fair and just. The lesson here is clear. If there is anyway to resolve your divorce is an amicable and fair manner, do it. You may not be so lucky in court.

How Your Kids Really Feel About Your New Relationship...

I was having a conversation with my 10 year old daughter this evening about how she would feel if I eventually remarried. I was surprised to find out that she feels very negative about me being in a serious relationship. I have been divorced now for over 3 years and had thought she would be okay with it by now.

I have been in a relationship for awhile now but it is not with someone I will marry or live with in the future. She seems to like this man, but told me that is because he is not a daily part of our lives.

I think my daughter is wrestling with a few issues. She feels like she would be betraying her dad by allowing herself to accept another man in a fatherly role. I also think she does not want me to give attention to someone else, fearing she would get less. Ironically, she has no problem with her father having a girlfriend.

I am grateful that we had this conversation because I did not realize she felt so strongly. I think it is very important to keep the lines of communication open with your children and let them express themselves and their opinions after a divorce. That is not to say that I will not remarry or have a serious relationship in the future.

What I explained to her is that it is important to give people a chance. Right now this hypothetical man is not a real person who is in our lives. I told her when and if that time comes, we can take it slowly, one step at a time and maybe she will feel more positively about the subject if I met someone she actually liked and enjoyed spending time with. What I learned tonight is that I can't presume to know what my kids are feeling, I need to ask them and open up a dialogue so that we can work out any issues before they become problems.

Successful Co-Parenting After a Nasty Split: Is it Possible?

If you have children and are going through a difficult divorce, you may wonder how you are going to be able to co-parent your children with your ex. If you could not get along well enough to resolve your differences during the divorce, parenting without hostility will most likely be a challenge.

But even in the worst divorce cases, there have been parents who have been able to put aside their differences and co-parent in a healthy and positive way. If you are dealing with an ex with whom you cannot communicate with, there are a few things you can do to turn your relationship around for the sake of your children.

The first step is the willingness to compromise. Since you cannot control another person's actions, you must start with yourself. Take a time out and ask yourself if the issue you are having with your ex regarding your kids is something worth fighting over. Can you let it go? Is this something trivial or serious? If it is something that will require your ego to take a bruising are you willing to do that to keep peace for your children?

If it is a serious issue that puts your children in emotional or physical danger, by all means do what you have to do to protect your kids. But most of the time the issues with our exes are a matter of control. Both sides wants to win and the kids get caught in the middle. For example, maybe your ex drops your kids off an hour after his designated visitation time. Is that really worth confronting your ex over? Did he feed the kids junk food over his weekend and not serve vegetables? Is that something you want to start a fight over or can you let it go?

Sometimes, keeping the peace requires giving in. That is not something we are comfortable doing. Especially when we know we are right and our ex is wrong. It just drives us crazy when our ex pushes our buttons by using the kids to get under our skin.

Since you cannot change your ex's behavior, you are left with the option of being right and having a fight that will affect your children or letting go and swallowing your pride. Sometimes biting your tongue and not sweating over the small stuff can greatly improve your relationship with your ex.

When a person tries to engage you and pick a fight, the best thing to do is walk away. Don't fall into your ex's trap and play his games. Your kids will thank you for it.

Are Your Kids Out of Control After Your Divorce?...

I have four kids, two girls and two boys. My sons are now 14 and 15 and have become quite a challenge. They are good boys, but typical teenagers who can become disrespectful at times and tend to challenge me when I attempt to discipline them. I was trying to figure out why I am having a difficult time disciplining them and then after watching an episode of "Supernanny", of all things, it hit me.

When I was married, my husband was the tough disciplinary in the family. I would, like many moms, hand much of the disciplining over to him. I am sure we have all heard, growing up ,our mothers saying "Just wait until Dad gets home". That is how it was in my home. Mom was the easy going , nurturing Mom who we could get our way with but there was no getting over on Dad. My brother and I would be struck with fear when we misbehaved, knowing we would have to face Dad.

So when I had my own kids I guess I subconsciously modeled my parents parenting style. My husband become the one who laid down the law with the kids when he got home. The problem began when my husband no longer came home and moved out.

After the divorce, it became more difficult to discipline my sons. For some reason though my two daughters have remained relatively easy. My oldest daughter is now 21 and my youngest 10 and maybe because they are girls and see me as a role model, I have not had the same issues with them as I have had with my sons, who are growing up without a father figure in the house.

I think my recent revelation means that I need to stand up and become a stronger disciplinary figure in my home. Regardless of gender, a parent can be viewed as a strong, firm but loving parent. I share my own story here because I think this is an issue that many single parents face.

After a divorce, there are so many logistics to work out with the kids, from custody arrangements, child support and visitation. I think very few parents ponder what a divorce will mean as far as disciplining the kids and what parental roles need to be adjusted now that the kids no longer live in a two parent home.

How to Get A Divorce If You Want Your Kids to Lose...

Reformed "killer" divorce attorney turned mediator, Cynthia Tiano shared with me some insightful information from a mediator's point of view. It is so sad to see what can happen when a divorcing couple chooses a nasty divorce battle. The children wind up being the biggest losers. Read on:

"I read an article about a divorce custody fight in one of the major local papers down here in South Florida. Even for a reformed "killer" divorce lawyer turned divorce mediator such as myself, it made me sick to see what can happen when the divorce process spins out of control. This case truly epitomizes how to get a divorce if you want your kids to be the ones who really lose.

In this divorce case, each of the parties hired the highest-powered, gun-slinging divorce lawyers that money could buy. The problem in this case was, as it often is, that one of these people had a whole lot more money than the other. A divorce agreement made between these parties after they got married in the event they ever got divorced, stacked the deck against one of the parents.For years they fought it out, up and down the court system, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees.The end result was that one of these parents had to pay the other parent so much money, as decided by the divorce court, that they actually became a fugitive from justice, totally preventing them from seeing their children! If they showed their face, they would be thrown into jail.

Who is going to suffer here? Sure, one of these parents has been a "winner" (if you can call destroying your co-parent a win) and one has been a loser in this divorce child custody fight. But any kid who can’t even see one of their parents because of a bitter divorce custody battle is the real loser.I can’t help but wonder how different this family’s lives would look today if they used divorce mediation to create a peaceful divorce instead of the adversarial divorce process, which pits them against each other from the start. I’ll bet it would look a whole lot different. I hope that one day this family decides to learn how to get a divorce the peaceful, healthy way. "

Cynthia Tiano, Divorce Attorney/Mediator and Dr. Max Vogt, Marriage and Family Therapist, take you on an adventure into the lives of two families going through gut-wrenching divorces, and learn from their experiences in their new book, Happily Divorced: Secrets of the Win Win Formula. Click here get get a free copy of their groundbreaking ebook "The Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make When Getting a Divorce"

Do You Ever Wonder How You Could Of Married Your Ex?...

I brought my kids to visit their dad this weekend and have been trying my best to get along with him so that we can co-parent our children in a healthy way. This has not been easy. My ex likes to challenge me and push my buttons. My goal has been to stay calm no matter what he is saying to me and not react in a negative way.

Today we were having a conversation in a public place and my ex started to pepper his language with some profanity. Not only was this in front of my two teenage sons who are very impressionable and are reprimanded for using foul language themselves, it was in earshot of other children and their parents. Needless to say I was embarrassed and asked him to watch his language. He refused and did not see anything wrong with cursing in public.

Later on, after the incident, I wondered how my ex could of changed so much. I felt like I did not know this person. Was this the same man I was married to for 13 years?At first, I could not recall him acting the way he did today. But then I remembered,there were times when he acted the very same way, I just had forgotten. Maybe he hadn't changed into this foul mouthed, angry man after our divorce, maybe he had been that man all along. Maybe the person who changed was me. I was now someone who would not tolerate that kind of behavior anymore.

The person I was at 22 years old when I married this man is not the same person I am today at 40. I am so thankful now that I was able to escape a marriage to someone who has such different beliefs and values than me. Even though my divorce was a nightmare, it has forced me to grow and change in ways I never thought possible. I am happier now that I have ever been in my life.

So will my ex and I ever be able to co-parent together and get along for the sake of our children? I am trying and things have gotten better, despite his outbursts and bad language. I have discovered that although nothing I do or say can change my ex's behavior, I can control my reaction to him and the way I behave.