When Your Kids Are Still Suffering from Your Divorce..

You would think that with the divorce rate at close to 50%, most kids would be going to school with other children of divorce. Apparently this is not the case in my neighborhood. My kids have informed me that ALL of their friends live with both their parents and they are the only ones whose parents are divorced.

I find this hard to believe, but it does seem like the friends they hang out with live with both parents. Of course, this makes me feel bad for my kids. No child likes to think that he or she is the only one whose parent's have divorced.

What brought about this recent revelation was an argument my teenage sons had with a close friend. He made a comment that " at least he has a dad who lives with him". This hurt both my sons deeply, since they are still recovering from my divorce and they only see their dad a few times a year. They are both very angry with this boy and no longer want to be his friend.

Just when I thought my kids were finally dealing with the divorce, the old wounds were reopened. I guess children never fully get over their parent's divorce. A comment said in poor taste, reignited my sons' anger and hurt. And of course, when your children are feeling hurt, you want to do everything you can to protect them and shield them from the pain. Unfortunately, there is not much a parent can do to make up for the other's parent's lack of attention and involvement in their children's lives.

My ex and I live in different states but I only moved when it was painfully obvious that my ex was not going to give my kids the kind of attention they deserved. He would frequently miss his weekend visits and never once used his once a week dinner visitation. Ironically, once we moved, he did become a better father. He calls them more and when he does see the kids, he pays more attention to them.

The other side of the coin here is that although children suffer from our divorces, how much worse off do the kids whose parents stick it out in a miserable marriage suffer? Some the same kids my children might envy for living with both mom and dad may be living a nightmare behind close doors. Appearances can be deceiving. My own parents fought all of the time and when I was a kid and I wished they would get a divorce. Living for years in an abusive, volatile household will most likely inflict more damage on a child than a divorce.

Not many children grow up in a perfect family. All we can do is our best and provide our kids with love, attention and support. Hopefully, they will grow up to be compassionate, caring adults who learned important life lessons from being raised in a single family household.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Newly Single? What you need to know how to do....

If you have been married for a long time and especially if you married at a young age, you may have relied on your husband to take care of certain tasks usually delegated to the man of the house. It may come as a surprise to you that you do not know how to do some simple tasks that you relied on your husband to take care of.

Here are a list of things every newly single woman should learn how to do:

1. Fix a flat tire. I have not learned how to do this yet, but found myself a few months ago with a blown out tire on the side of the road with no one to call. Luckily I was able to get a mechanic to come to my aid, but had it been later in the evening I would have been out of luck. So either learn how to put the donut tire on your car and have the necessary equipment stored in your car or make sure you have road side assistance coverage.

2. Fix a toilet. You should know how to snake a toilet and install a toilet repair kit. Why pay big money to a plumber when you can fix it yourself?

3. Patch a hole in the wall. I found out how to do this after my divorce because I have two teenage sons who have twice put holes in the walls. Once by one throwing a water bottle at his brother and missing and the other time by my son swearing he "accidentally" hit the wall with his foot(ironically this was after he punished and sent to his room). Fixing a hole in the wall is relatively easy. Just buy a repair kit at home depot and some spackle and sandpaper and then repaint.

There are many other household tasks that your husband may have been responsible for that you now find yourself unable to do. Hiring a local handyman is a good idea. you may not want to take on chores like mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, trimming the trees or cleaning the gutters.

When I have had those moments where I missed having a "man" around the house, I remember how I had to repeatedly nag my husband to do these simple tasks anyway. Blinds sat in boxes, pictures were left unhung, all with the promise to do them "later". In fact when I think about it I had to hire gardeners, mechanics and other professionals while I was married.

So if you are newly single, try not to panic about not having a man around. You can learn what you need to know and hire others to take care of the rest.

When Divorce Becomes War

Once upon a time you were busy planning all of the details of your wedding, enthralled with the concept of marriage, convinced that you would live happily ever after with your new mate. As you walked down the aisle, vowing to spend the rest of your life with this person, did it ever cross your mind that someday this very same person could become your worst enemy?Probably not. So what happened? How could the person you once loved and trusted with all of your heart turn on you and try to destroy you in a nasty divorce battle?

Of course, not all divorces end on a sour note, but why do some divorces end peacefully while others turn into long, painful expensive battles where couples viciously attack each other?
I don't' think most divorcing couples set out to destroy each other in the beginning. Many may have hopes of resolving their differences in a mature matter and fairly splitting assets, but add in a unscrupulous divorce attorney, well meaning friends and family who give bad advice and the anger and frustration that led you to want a divorce in the first place, and you have a recipe for divorce disaster.

The difference between couples who are able to settle their divorces amicably and those who fight to the bitter end, may come down to the use of a mediator. Couples who seek out a mediator early on in the divorce process are more likely to spend less money on attorney fees, less time In family court and be able to end their marriage on a friendlier note.

If you want to aviod a divorce war, before you seek out the best divorce attorney in town, consider talking to your spouse about hiring a mediator. In the end, the only winners in a divorce battle are the divorce lawyers, everyone else, including the children, lose.

How To Let Go Of Anger Towards Your Ex

Have you been divorced for awhile and still can’t stand your ex-husband? If your husband has a new girlfriend or has remarried, you may feel like he does not deserve to be happy. I am sure you have met women who talk badly about their ex-husbands years after the divorce is final. They just can't seem to let ago and move on with their lives. It is normal to feel resentful and hurt seeing the man who was once your husband, the love of your life, with another woman. No matter who ended the relationship or the circumstances surrounding the divorce, it is only natural that your ex's relationship with stir up negative emotions. So what can you do to get rid of these negative feelings?

Letting go after divorce is a challenge. Seeing your ex-husband in a happy new relationship reinforces the fact that your marriage is over. Although you may be still grieving that loss, your ex has clearly moved on. That is painful. You haven't properly mourned the death of your marriage yet.

You need to go through the process of releasing your negative emotions towards him. Write him a letter and don’t hold back, tell him how much he has hurt you and turned your world upside down. Pull out all of the angry thoughts and feelings you have for him.

When you are done, go outside and burn the letter. This will signify releasing all of that negative pent up energy that has been stored inside of you for years. You will feel great relief. By finally letting go, you will discover a new, happier life, free from the anger and hate that is poisoning you now.

Feel Like Your Divorce Will Never End?

Although it may feel as though your divorce will never end and you will be caught in a vicious cycle of divorce lawyers and court dates, one day soon this divorce will be over and a new chapter of your life will begin. It may seem so far away for those of you just beginning your divorce or who are in the process of divorce. Some of you reading this are already divorced and dealing with the aftermath and the many questions that arise. So when your divorce truly “ends” will depend entirely on you. Your divorce is not over on the day that the judge signs your final divorce order. It ends when you have straightened out your financial affairs. It ends when you no longer look at your ex and are filled with rage and hate. It also will be over when you have learned to rely on yourself and find out that you actually enjoy your own company.

You are an independent, strong woman who has been through an emotionally draining, life-changing ordeal. But guess what? Your divorce has now made you a stronger person. Someone who can handle anything life throws her way.

You may be reading this and thinking that you do not feel very strong right now. Your divorce may have appeared to take the life out of you. But do not be fooled. Just when you think you cannot take anymore, you find your inner strength and you are amazed at what you can do.
Have faith and trust that this too shall pass and you will begin a new and exciting life, better than before.

Chasing After A Deadbeat Parent-Is It Worth It?


Have you been trying unsuccessfully to get a deadbeat parent to pay the child support he owes? If so, then you know that each court date and each decision in the process takes an emotional toll. This debilitation can often become a physical drain as well. The cost of chasing a deadbeat is paid in more than money. While you need to do all you can to get support for your children, you must also temper your efforts with an attitude of peace and acceptance.

If you have done all you can, exhausting every avenue, it may be time to let go. At such a point you must use that energy to accent the positives in your life. You may find that the time spent on pursuit is better spent on furthering yourself and your career. That’s not to say that you should ever let a deadbeat ex off the hook. But you can’t allow the battle to destroy you either.

I have learned all of this the hard way. Though my ex-husband now pays his child support, I have come to see that I will always have to be the chief breadwinner for my family. I realize now that ultimately the only person I can rely on is myself. With that in mind, I work on my career and focus on improving myself. That way I will always be able to provide the income that my kids need and deserve.

In any future fight I would not allow myself to fall victim to the emotional devastation I felt the first time. My energy now is devoted to positive thoughts and outcomes. I am a true believer in “what you think about, is what you get.” I choose to surround myself with positive people and things and have had great results from doing so. Money flows easier to those who have positive energy. Things go smoother, and you feel happier. Never let your ex-spouse’s actions affect your peace and happiness. It is just not worth it.

Divorce Court Etiquette


First of all, remember that appearances count. The judge probably doesn’t know you, so you will be making a first impression. Dress appropriately for court. That means dress with care and respect, as you would for a business lunch with a group of conservative professional people (such as clergymen or schoolteachers). No jeans, nothing sexy or provocative, and no garish makeup. Certainly hide any tattoos or piercing. Wear your hair in a simple, neat style. You want to look sensible and responsible.

The same should be true of how you act. Remember what your mother said, and mind your manners. You should do this in any public part of the courthouse. The only place where you might have an excuse to let go is if there is a private, sealed-off room where you meet with your attorney. Otherwise remain quiet and calm at all times while in the courthouse. Don’t allow clerks, officers, or anyone else there to witness arguments, shouting matches, or anything more than quiet civilities between you and your spouse. Remember that sometimes the judge’s clerk has a lot of influence on the final decision. Don’t think that because the judge is out of the room that nobody is watching you and it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s best to have no contact with the opposition at all. Contact is the job of your attorney.

How To Handle The "I Am So Sorry You Are Divorced" Comment

It can be awkward for a recently divorced woman when she tells

someone she has gotten a divorce. For some reason, most people say

"Oh, I am so sorry". I think people are uncomfortable and do not know

what is the right thing to say to a divorced person. Since divorce is usually

a negative life event, offering condolences seems appropriate.

But what if you have come to accept your divorce and are happier than ever

being a single woman? Here are some snappy and possibly truthful comebacks that you can use that will lighten things up and put everyone at ease:

1." Don't be sorry, I lost 240 lbs!"( or whatever your ex weighed).

2. "Thank you for your concern, but I now have my king size bed all to myself

and best of all there is no snoring man sleeping in it!

3. " Honestly, being divorced isn't so bad. I have both closets, all of the drawer space

and do not have to worry about the toilet seat being left up"

If you keep a sense of humor I am sure you can come up with your own answer to the

"I am so sorry you are divorced" comment that is so popular today.

Ready To Date Again After Divorce?

Dating after divorce raises many issues, including sex. What are the rules? If it’s been awhile since you were single, a lot has changed.

So what are the new rules? When should you sleep with someone? The third date? Fourth? Longer? Figuring this out is never easy. Will you feel lonely, and jump into bed with someone too quickly? Or will you close yourself off emotionally and physically, and make yourself unapproachable?

You need to trust your own instincts and intuition. When a relationship feels right and you are ready to take the next step, then do it, but do what you can to be sure.

Losers are plentiful on the dating scene. Many of these are predators looking for nothing but a good time. Don’t become the cliché-divorced woman, easy and hungry for sex. Some men look for that. Be careful to avoid these losers.

Here are six pointers for getting back in the dating game:

· Always meet in a public place for your first few dates.
· Drive yourself there; do not have your date pick you up at your home.
· Practice safe sex. Always use a condom.
· Do not go back to his home or a motel until you feel you know this man and can trust him.
· Screen him thoroughly. Be choosy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.
· Follow your gut and trust yourself. If something does not seem right about your date, listen to your inner voice.

You can still have a good time and enjoy dating if you follow these simple rules.

How To Use Private Investigation To Collect From A Deadbeat

Are you relying on a state agency to help collect past due child support?

Sometimes state agencies drag their feet, and other times they simply can’t get the money. An ex-spouse may find ways to work under the table, or may disappear completely. If you are owed back support, and your state’s child support enforcement agency is not pursuing your ex, and you cannot find out where he works or he is working off the books, then you need to take action.

A little detective work is in order. If you still know people who keep up with your ex, see if you can get one to tell you who he works for. Where is the job? Can you get pictures of him working? Private investigators cost money, but if you were to hire one, these would be the first questions: Where does he work? When does he work there? How much does he make? Hire the investigator for as limited a job as possible. Once the investigator finds out where the job is, you or a friend may be able to do the rest.

There are online “detective agencies” that claim they can give access to bank accounts, whereabouts, and other information. I have tried a few. The results weren’t great. Remember: You can do a lot of investigating on your own and save yourself money. Keep your ears open. Mutual friends and family members are great sources of information. People love to talk. Once they are talking freely they often slip up. As with any other part of this process, this is not something where you want to use your children. However, don’t close your ears to what children say. If you find out key information simply make sure you can explain how you got it in some other way. Often if you simply confirm what you know through others, this can serve as your source. You don’t want to involve your children in any more conflict than you have to, and you don’t want your ex blaming them for something they may not have intended to do.
Deadbeat parents learn many tricks. One is to hide assets by putting them in the name of a girlfriend, new spouse, or parent. That way there is no bank account. Wages (particularly off-the-books payments) go straight into this other person’s bank account. Property is in another name. Your ex may even move to another state. The traveling deadbeat is the hardest one to catch.

In any of these situations you will need hard evidence in the courtroom. Hiring a private investigator may become a necessity. There comes a point where unless you come upon a lucky lead, you will need the skills of a professional. As long as you pick the right detective, and know what you want, your money will be well spent. There are also private agencies that are devoted to support enforcement. These agencies work on a contingency fee, meaning they do not charge you unless they are successful at collecting your support. They do take a percentage of the support collected. Do your homework and be careful when selecting a service like this. Find people who have used them. Call or email these people, and ask them questions about their experience. These groups can be useful, but, as with any support agency, the more you understand about your needs and their services, the better they will do. If you go online and look up “Child Support Enforcement” on yahoo.com or google.com, you will find several agencies to choose from.

The Guilty Single Mom Syndrome

Are you a single mom feeling overwhelmed and tired? Do you sometimes yell at your kids and lose your temper?

Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world. Having to do it alone is even harder. Single parents should feel proud of themselves for being able to do the job of two parents. Sometimes though we tend to be too hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not living up to what we feel the perfect parent is.

If you want to be a better parent, you must start making some time for yourself. By pushing yourself to the limit, you are not helping your children. Do you want them to see you as a tired, overworked, resentful mother? If not, then you need to find some creative ways to take back some control of your life.

You can start by grabbing a few hours each week for yourself. You need to devote one evening a week . I know most single moms cannot afford a sitter, so you have to get creative and brainstorm some ideas. Can you trade babysitting time with another overworked, single mom? You take her kids one night a week and she does the same for you. This way you both get some precious free time to regain your sanity and recharge.

Think outside of the box and I am sure you can come up with a few solutions. You must make this time for yourself. Your sanity and the emotional health of your children depend on it.

How To Help Your Child Cope With Anger During Divorce


Like any children, children of divorce know how to push our buttons. They will wear us down and wear us out if we don’t watch ourselves. Also, without even trying, they learn the game of making parents compete. Avoid this. Don’t buy them something new just because your ex did. If possible discuss purchases of such things as computers, games, iPods, TVs, vehicles, and just about anything that you may think is questionable from the viewpoint of money or maturity. Don’t try to one-up your spouse, and don’t try to keep up either. Talk about what your kids should have. Don’t let your kids dictate this by playing on your desire to be as good a provider as your ex.

Deep down every child wants parents to be together and happy. The underlying anger at the fact that this cannot happen simmers deep within them and can explode at any time. They might pick fights with their siblings, talk back, get in fights at school, and let their grades drop. They do these things to get attention. The child’s world has changed and he doesn’t like it. That anger must surface in order for us to deal with it.

Recognize that your child is having problems; do all you can to help. Some children never express their hurt and anger. This follows them into adulthood, showing up in stress-related behaviors and illnesses. Talk to your kids. Let them know it is okay to feel bad, but things will get better. How you behave and carry on with your life will be the direct indicator of how well your kids behave. Show them your strength, and your ability to survive and thrive. Explain that all things, both good and bad, happen for a reason; it’s how we deal with them that counts.

The 9 Questions You Must Examine In Mediation

1. Custody.
Care of the children is your most important concern. If custody is shared, what are the terms? If it is not, what is the visitation schedule for the non-custodial parent? Don’t forget holidays and summer vacations.

2. Housing.
Who will retain the family home? Will the martial home be sold and equity split equally? Or will one party keep the house and buy the other out? (In my own divorce I kept the family home. I waived alimony payments in exchange for equity in my home. Alimony is taxable but the equity in your home is not, so keep this option in mind)

3. Alimony and child support.
How much will go to whom?

4. Tuition.
Who will pay for school tuition? Will he pay for private or public universities? Might issues regarding paying for tuition become an issue later? Don’t rely on oral promises, ”Of course I will pay for college!” is often said at mediation but not committed to writing. Unfortunately, in most jurisdictions, once a child is 18, there is nothing the Court can do to force a parent to pay for college.

5. Division of stocks, bonds and other investments.
What is the proper division/liquidation of stocks, bonds, bank accounts, and other holdings and investments? What about the 401K plans, retirement funds, and life insurance? How will this be divided? A minimum amount of life insurance should be a provision of every divorce settlement, without exception.

6. Marital debt.
Who borrowed what? Who charged what?

7. Determination of incomes.
Who made more money? Who contributed what, and what are the values of those contributions?

8. Wills.
Will you have wills drawn naming the children as the beneficiaries?

9. Health insurance.
How will health insurance be addressed?

If you are going into mediation, remember that every aspect of your financial life with your spouse has to be closely scrutinized. These will be weighed in terms of your lifestyle and your standards of living, both together and apart. You will need to itemize all household expenses, household contents, properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, vehicles, furniture, and other items of value. Make sure you take into account all childcare costs, including daycare, religious education, sports, and other after-school activities and lessons. Consider the cost of birthday parties attended, lunch money, school dues, clothing, and camp. If your children are young, adjust for expenses as they grow, and include those projections in your plan.

It’s best for you and your spouse to gather all of this information beforehand; doing this together can be useful. If you find yourselves disagreeing on something, set it aside. Agree to bring up all disputes only when you are with the mediator. If you can do this, then mediation might be the route for you. If you have problems with your spouse while gathering information, it may be a sign of bad times ahead.

The #1 Secret To A Successful Divorce

So what is the most crucial secret you need to know to have a successful divorce?
It is the simplest secret, yet the most difficult one to master: Controlling your emotions!
I coach many women who just can’t seem to understand and follow this one piece of advice. Usually by the time they come to see me they have made quite a mess of things. I have coached women who have been divorced for years and still can’t control their emotions when it comes to their ex-husband!
Granted you are going through one of the most difficult times you will ever face in your life, and so you may feel angry, hurt, sad, and confused.
It will take immense stamina and self-control, but you must get—and keep—control over your emotions. Your ability to do so will affect everything from how you fare financially to how your children adjust.
Losing control and showing emotion is how you lose this war. Do not be fooled, divorce is a war. You need to prepare for battle and master the art of winning the divorce war.
How do you control your emotions when you feel like you just want to scream?
1. Do not speak to your soon-to-be ex-husband unless absolutely necessary. When you do engage in conversation, speak only about your children or other important issues. Control the temptation to tell him that he is an idiot or you hate him! When you feel that you want to say something derogatory, get off the phone or walk away. Remember self-control!

2. Resist the urge to spy on him, ask neighbors and friends about what he is doing, or grill the kids about his girlfriend. I have known women to make prank calls to their husbands, drive by their ex’s homes repeatedly, and do other crazy things that were used against them in a courtroom. One woman was actually sued because she wrote a nasty comment about her ex’s girlfriend on the Internet. She didn’t even refer to this woman by name, but the implication was enough for the judge to give her a guilty verdict and a fine.

3. Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a bastard your ex-husband is! Anger is like a fire that needs fuel to grow. The more you talk negatively about your ex, the angrier you will become and thus increase the chance of losing your temper.

Overall, think about the outcome you desire. Do you want to have the judge presiding over your divorce respect you, or do you want to look like an angry, bitter wife who is out of control?
Most people lie in family court, which is why judges rely on their own impression of a couple to see if the husband or wife appears more credible. Your behavior outside of the courtroom is crucial. Out-of-control behavior will almost always wind up back in the courtroom and cost you dearly.
So see a therapist, meditate, do whatever it takes to gain self-control. This is imperative at every stage: when you are thinking about getting a divorce, during the process, or even if you are already divorced. Your ex-husband is not going to go away, unfortunately, so you will need to find a way to deal with him in a calm and dignified manner.

How To Survive Financially During A Divorce

What do you do if you have very little cash and are facing a divorce?First make a list of all of the available credit in your name. Check all of your credit cards for the credit limits and how much is owed. You may be surprised at how much open credit you actually have. During my own divorce I was shocked when I found a $10,000 open credit limit on a Visa card I had hardly used. That card put food on the table when my husband refused to pay spousal and child support. When the divorce is final you can liquidate assets and pay these debts, but for now credit is the lifeline of the cash-strapped spouse.

Whatever your situation, stay strong and in control. Might there be a relative or friend that you could borrow from until the divorce is over? If there are assets, such as equity in the marital home, you might be able to persuade an attorney to hold off on payment until the divorce is final. Lawyers recognize potential assets more readily than most creditors. Also, the court may award attorneys’ fees in some jurisdictions, in some cases, and if your attorney is willing to wait, that is more cash in your pocket. However, you should never plan on an award of fees from the court. Remember that ultimately, you may have to pay your lawyer, even if you believed the Court would make your spouse pay your attorneys’ fees.

Do not be shy when it comes to asking for help. Being in a tough situation is nothing to be ashamed of. You will be surprised at how people will go out of their way to help you when the chips are down. You just have to ask.

The Secret To Letting Go After Divorce

One of the most difficult things to do after divorce is to let go and move on emotionally. This means letting go of all of the pain, anger and hurt your spouse has caused you. It sounds easier than it is. So just how to you let go of those negative feelings towards your ex?

You must remember: accept and forgive. It doesn’t mean you want to go back and live it over. It doesn’t mean you would keep the marriage together. It means you can move on with your own life, and live with the fact that your ex is doing the same thing.

Your ex-spouse’s life is meant to take a different path. If you have children then you will always be part of each other’s lives. But you will be able to detach and view your ex as the parent of your children instead of as your spouse. A new relationship will emerge. The roles are different. You choose how you are going to play this out. You can deal with your spouse either with kindness and understanding, having truly put the pain of divorce behind you, or you can harbor ill feelings and hang on to old hurts and feelings of betrayal. The choice is yours. Choose wisely. One road leads to peace and serenity and the other to anger, frustration, and pain.

This is your time of refection and soul-searching. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will reach it. Right now you may not be able see past the hurt, anger, and pain. But trust me, life will become joyful and complete once again. You get to decide the life you want to have. Don’t turn bitter. It may be the easy path now, but later on it will be the hard road, and there won’t be any exits. How you see your divorce is the most essential choice you will make.

I now see my divorce for the many gifts it has brought to my life. Amidst the pain and sorrow, I learned some tremendous life lessons. Now I can bring these into my new life and create a more compelling future. Listen to your heart. Trust in the knowledge that you will survive this devastating loss. You will survive, and you will thrive again.

Getting Ready for Divorce Court

The process may vary depending upon what state you are in but it generally will go something like this: on your first court date you will be assigned a judge who will preside over your case. At this preliminary conference the judge will consult with both attorneys, and set deadlines for each stage of the divorce. At this conference the court will look at the information gathered by both sides, and the legal process of the divorce will begin. At this time the judge will probably set amounts of child and spousal support. These are the amounts your spouse is to pay from now until the divorce is final. This is often referred to as pendente lite (pronounced “pendentay leetay”) support, meaning “pending decision”. Although these amounts aren’t automatically those that you will receive once the divorce is final, they are crucial in their importance. Whatever the judge says now will set an informal precedent for what happens later. You want these amounts to be at or above your final goal.

Make sure that the court directs your spouse to send these payments to your local child support enforcement agency. They will forward the payments to you, and keep track of what is owed. Always go through this agency. Although they may be slow with enforcement, they have the ability to garnish your spouses’ wages and bank accounts and enforce bench warrants. If your spouse falls behind in payments you will be able to utilize this agency instead of having to pay your attorney to enforce support collection. Some states, however, will not permit this arrangement unless there is a history of non-payment, preferring to let the parties handle it themselves.

As in any court trial, divorce will have a discovery phase. In a divorce this is when each party is required to disclose proof of all finances. You will also have to answer the Interrogatories. This is a long questionnaire asking for detailed information about your finances and other marital issues. These will identify issues of disagreement that must be brought before the judge. Remember, the more problems you need the judge to fix, the more court dates you will have to attend and every time you go to court you pile up legal fees.

Worried About The Effect Of Divorce On Your Kids?

The shift from a two-parent home to a one-parent home isn’t easy. You will question yourself, and the circumstances your children are thrown into. Will they grow up damaged in some way? It’s best to remember that no upbringing is perfect. Many children from unbroken homes grow up twisted. I believe that whether you grow up in a home with two parents or one, you will probably be a little screwed up anyway. People aren’t perfect, neither parents nor children. We can only try our best.

Ask yourself each day: Am I giving my children a safe, loving home with the things they need to be happy? Do I communicate with them every day, keeping up with their lives and changes? Do I show them love? If you can truthfully answer, “yes” to these questions then you are probably doing a good job as a parent.
The bottom line is that divorce is painful and you cannot completely protect your children from this pain. But you can lessen the risk of emotional damage and raise healthy, happy children even in the face of divorce.

Recovering Financially After Divorce

Your financial situation after a divorce depends on these factors: support and settlement payments, job status, business opportunities, time, assets, and the financial needs of you and your family. Traditionally, stay-at-home moms have had the most difficult transition after a divorce. Usually the stay-at-home mom suddenly has to find work. Most likely you did have a job before you had kids, and your first thought might be to go back to your old workplace and see what’s available.

Then you often come up against the ladder model. This is the way many businesses operate. You climb up one rung at a time, but if you get off the ladder you land at the bottom again. When a woman quits her job, and goes home to raise the kids, she loses her place in the business world. She not only misses out on promotions; she often won't even be able to walk back into the job she left. She’s gotten off the ladder. This doesn’t mean things are hopeless, but many stay-at-home moms have a lot of catching up to do, and there is no way to entirely escape the effects of lost time.

Here are three easy ways to get back on track:

1. Assess your skills. What have you learned in your years in the home? Is there any part of being a housewife and mother that you’re particularly good at? Something people pay for? Something you like? Or was there any particular thing you were good at back when you worked? Something you could develop now, and quickly develop into a service with a market? It’s important that it be something you like. I don’t believe you can be happy working full-time at a job you hate.

Make a list of all of the things you enjoy doing. Might there be a job in a field that could harness your natural talents and pay you a decent salary? For example, let’s say that you love to plan parties. Could you get a job in a party planning company? A catering hall? How about working in a hotel as an event planner? Do you love kids? How about running a daycare center out of your home? That way you do not have to pay a sitter. (Though be careful of the daycare option; it’s an idea that occurs to so many single mothers, and the field is often crowded. Before you get a license make sure you have customers.)

I could give you example after example here but the point is to find something you enjoy and find a way to incorporate that into your work. If you are marketing your skills, remember to be businesslike about it. This applies to appearance, courtesy, and confidence, but it also means watching the bottom line. Always look at what you are spending, what you are getting for it, and how much profit you’re making.

2. Assess your education. Do you already have a college degree or some other training? Can you go back to school to learn a trade? There are many short-term courses out there that can have you earning money in no time. A typical realtor’s course is only a few weeks of full-time attendance. A hair stylist can get a license in most states in nine months of full-time schooling, and it’s a job where you can make terrific money. I used to own a hair salon and the stylists made much more money than I did! Most hairdressers get high commissions and make a lot in tips. For the most part they set their own hours.

Check into other programs that can get you certified in a short time. Schools offer refresher courses in many skills. When my ex complained that he had been out of the computer field for too long and couldn’t find work, I called the school where he had learned his skills years earlier—the Chubb Institute. They offered free refresher courses and job placement. See if you qualify for such a program. We never know until we ask. But most importantly, pick something you have an interest in and that you will do well.

3. Think about starting your own business. Many businesses can be started on little or no money. In the past I have sold children’s clothing on eBay, and the eBay business model works for a lot of services. In many cities people offer to clean out garages and attics, selling the contents on eBay, and splitting the profits 50/50 with the owner. I found a huge demand for used children’s clothing. Most of us throw our kids’ clothing into those donation bins. You can sell those clothes on eBay and make money. All you need is a computer and a digital camera. Ask friends who are discarding their hand-me-downs to give them to you instead.

This also applies to antiques, collectibles, and other valuables. People have so many things they would love to get rid of but they don’t have the time. There are other options. Many women have begun cleaning homes or businesses, and soon find themselves employing others to do the actual cleaning, while they price jobs, do the hiring, and inspect the work. Of course there are countless small business ideas that you can do right from your home. Be creative. If it seems sensible, team up with a friend or partner. Owning your own business can be fun, profitable, and boost your self-esteem. It can also get you tax breaks, freedom from bosses, and it may even make you rich.