When Your Kids Are Still Suffering from Your Divorce..

You would think that with the divorce rate at close to 50%, most kids would be going to school with other children of divorce. Apparently this is not the case in my neighborhood. My kids have informed me that ALL of their friends live with both their parents and they are the only ones whose parents are divorced.

I find this hard to believe, but it does seem like the friends they hang out with live with both parents. Of course, this makes me feel bad for my kids. No child likes to think that he or she is the only one whose parent's have divorced.

What brought about this recent revelation was an argument my teenage sons had with a close friend. He made a comment that " at least he has a dad who lives with him". This hurt both my sons deeply, since they are still recovering from my divorce and they only see their dad a few times a year. They are both very angry with this boy and no longer want to be his friend.

Just when I thought my kids were finally dealing with the divorce, the old wounds were reopened. I guess children never fully get over their parent's divorce. A comment said in poor taste, reignited my sons' anger and hurt. And of course, when your children are feeling hurt, you want to do everything you can to protect them and shield them from the pain. Unfortunately, there is not much a parent can do to make up for the other's parent's lack of attention and involvement in their children's lives.

My ex and I live in different states but I only moved when it was painfully obvious that my ex was not going to give my kids the kind of attention they deserved. He would frequently miss his weekend visits and never once used his once a week dinner visitation. Ironically, once we moved, he did become a better father. He calls them more and when he does see the kids, he pays more attention to them.

The other side of the coin here is that although children suffer from our divorces, how much worse off do the kids whose parents stick it out in a miserable marriage suffer? Some the same kids my children might envy for living with both mom and dad may be living a nightmare behind close doors. Appearances can be deceiving. My own parents fought all of the time and when I was a kid and I wished they would get a divorce. Living for years in an abusive, volatile household will most likely inflict more damage on a child than a divorce.

Not many children grow up in a perfect family. All we can do is our best and provide our kids with love, attention and support. Hopefully, they will grow up to be compassionate, caring adults who learned important life lessons from being raised in a single family household.

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