What Your Child Really Fears After the Divorce...

My soon to be 11 year old daughter mentioned to me the other day that she spoke with her dad's girlfriend's daughter, who is 12, on the phone. I thought that was nice. They have not yet met and I am glad to see my ex finally dating someone with kids. When I asked my daughter if the little girl had called her, she told me that her dad put her on the phone.

I could sense something was not right in the way my daughter was acting. At first, she kept insisting everything was fine, but upon further pressing, she confessed that she missed her dad and felt a little funny about her dad spending time with another family.

She also told me about the twin girls at her school. During an in school counseling session for children with divorced parents, they said that their dad likes his "new kids" better then them. They felt that their dad spent more time with his new family and gave more attention to his step kids.

I think this is what sparked my own daughter's fears- that her dad would remarry and forget about her. I reassured her that her dad loves her very much and no one could replace her.

She also said something I found very surprising when asked about how she would feel if her dad married his girlfriend. She said she would be upset because then it would be "over". Meaning there really would be no chance of mom and dad getting back together.

I honestly had never thought about that. Since my divorce was so bitter and there was never a chance for reconciliation, I assumed my children would understand that. But because my daughter was so young when we separated, I think she held on to the hope many kids with divorced parents have of seeing their parents get back together.

I share this with you because had I not initiated a conversation with my daughter I would have had no idea she was feeling this way. Children often bury their fears and it can be difficult to know when something is bothering them. If you or your ex is in a new relationship, it is a good idea to reassure your kids that even if one of you does remarry and have step children, they can never be replaced and nothing can change the way you love them.

Why Both Men and Women Cheat....

This Friday night, Christine Brinkley's cheating ex- husband, Peter Cook is being interviewed by Barbara Walters on ABC. In sneak previews, Cook blames Brinkley for his affair, saying he did not get attention or "thank yous" for all of his efforts and felt like he was living with his sister.

This is the typical excuse for both men and women who cheat. It is just so much easier to blame your spouse than to take responsibility for your actions. However, there may be some truth here as to why a person would be tempted to cheat. Many have cited the same reason Cook has. Lack of attention, affection and feeling unappreciated. Of course this is not a valid reason to cheat. These are reasons to ask your spouse to attend martial counseling and if all else fails, ask for a divorce. Most people really do not want to get a divorce., but instead of letting their spouses know how they are feeling, they look outside of the marriage for excitement, fulfillment and love.

If your ex cheated on you it is important not to blame yourself. But the affair is almost always a symptom of a failing marriage. If you find that your spouse is acting depressed, withdrawn or complaining of lack of affection, those are red flags. Martial counseling and opening up the lines if communication may prevent an affair and save your marriage.

Turn Your Wedding Ring Into Cash...

With the stock market plummeting and gold pricing soaring, now may be the time to think about selling your wedding ring. You can get top dollar for old pieces of gold jewelry you may have.

Some people are even attending "gold parties" which are similar to Tupperware parties. How it works is you bring your gold and are paid cash on the spot. You can host your own gold party and invite all of your divorced friends. The website www.mygoldparty.com sells a book that even teaches you how to make money hosting your own gold parties. Of course you will want to be careful and make sure that you are getting the fair market value for any jewelry you might sell.

Selling the jewelry you acquired from your marriage is not for everyone though. Some people may feel sentimental about their wedding rings and want to pass them on to their children or simply not be ready to part with it. You may have strong feelings about certain jewelry your ex gave you and want to hold on to it. Whatever you decide, knowing that your gold pieces are increasing in value, unlike so many other investments nowadays, is comforting.

English Man Ordered to Pay Support for Pets...

A British Court has ordered a banker to pay his ex-wife a yearly "maintenance" for her three horses. She was also awarded a lump sum to buy an new home with enough land for the horses to graze.

Before you start thinking this is crazy, you need to hear more about this couple's background. The couple, married for 11 years, was childless and after the wife tragically lost a baby in 2001, her husband bought her a horse. She also purchased two more horses with her own inheritance. She feels that these horses are like children. A talented rider, the horses were a major part of the couple's lives while they were married.

I think the wife has every right to be able to care for her horses after the divorce. Why should she have to give them up when the horses were part of both her and her husband's lives? The husband argued that there horses were now an "unjustified extravagance". Yet he cared for and supported these animals during the marriage.

As an animal lover, I can relate to this woman's deep love for her horses. Many people consider their pets to be members of the family. To have to give up a pet because of a divorce would be tragic. I am not sure what the ruling would have been here in the United States with a similar case. Unfortunately, pets are considered "property" in most states. The bottom line is that if you adopt a pet you are responsible for that pet's care. Divorce should not relieve you of those responsibilities.

More Ways to Save Money During Your Divorce..

Everyone nowadays, whether going through a divorce or not, is looking for ways to stretch their money and save. Single parents and people going through a divorce are being especially hard hit by this declining economy.

With costs rising and many salaries remaining stagnate, we all need to find ways to save and make more money.

I will be bringing you some great resources to save money and make money as I find them. Here are three ways to save that I found online:

www.RetailMeNot.com is an easy way to find online coupon codes. You enter these codes at the checkout page of participating merchants for instant discounts. Also, the RetailMeNot shoppers network lets you connect with other shoppers so you get the best coupons, offers and deals.

www.Couponwinner.com –is an online shopping website that works with over 2,000 merchants and provides thousands of free coupons and promotional codes from top brand-names. The primary goal of CouponWinner.com is to help you save money, simply and easily, everyday. When it comes to saving money, everyone wins with CouponWinner.com.

Show me the dough is a terrific blog written by a mother of three who shows you how to save money on your food bill and also eat healthy (she manages to keep her food bill under $300 each month). You will also receive savings tips and recipes. –You can get on this blog by going to - savemoneyonfood.blogspot.com/.

How the Economy Can Effect Your Divorce..

I really feel for people who are thinking about getting a divorce or in the middle of one right now. With the dire economic conditions we are facing, many couples are going to have less assets to divide and a more difficult time financially supporting two separate households.

It used to be that a couple could count on the equity in their home, 401Ks and other investments to divvy up. With the housing market crisis, stocks plummeting and the cost of living rising, many couples will not have the money available to buy a new home or even live comfortably after a divorce.

Think about this. The longer you take to settle your divorce the greater risk you are at. If you filed for divorce 6 months ago, at that time your assets were worth more than they are worth today. If we continue in this downward economic spiral, your assets will lose more value and you will get less in your divorce settlement. Another scenario that can effect your divorce is if you or your partner loses your job. Child support and alimony payments will surely be affected.

To make matters worse, if you are paying a high priced divorce attorney, his fees will mount while your divorce settlement decreases. So the best advice to divorcing couples now is to settle your divorce as fast as possible. This is no time to fight it out. With assets frozen and unable to be sold during a divorce unless court ordered, you are risking your financial well being.

If you are dealing with a hard headed spouse who has refused to settle so far, maybe it is time you explain to him or her that you will both suffer financially should your divorce drag on. The quicker you reach a settlement, the better chance you have to protect your assets.

Woman Almost Arrested for 63 Cents in Back Child Support...

A woman was summoned to appear in court for owing a whopping 63 cents in child support. She came close to being arrested and put in jail. It sounds unbelievable, especially since her children are grown men with children of their own and she finished paying child support 12 years ago!The county she resides in recently computerized the child support system and although she was never notified previously, she apparently owes 63 cents in back support.

What a waste of time and resources. The irony is that parents who owe $6,300 or even $63,000 avoid prosecution every day. Millions of parents cannot collect child support yet this woman, owing pennies, is hunted down and taken to court.

It makes you wonder what the child support workers who obviously saw and prepared this case for court were thinking. Wouldn't you think at least one person would question why they were pursuing someone for 63 cents and check to see if the case was valid?

The response for the agency was this:" It’s a waste, but that’s part of what we do, unfortunately,” said Sumter County Clerk of Court Jamie Campbell. “We don’t have the authority to wipe it away.”

So even though they knew they were wasting taxpayers money, and instead of simply calling this woman to inform her of the 63 cents she owed, they thought it would be more prudent to serve her with a court order and threaten her with jail? Stories like this give us little faith in the legal system.

Have You Become Commitment Phobic After Your Divorce?...

The ink has barely dried on the divorce papers, and many people are already looking for their new love. They use online dating sites, try speed dating and frequent single dances looking for someone who can fill the void left by their divorce and try their hand at love once more.

Others, however, take the opposite approach and may be hesitant to rush into a new relationship too soon. They take their time and eventually find someone they can share their lives with.

There is yet another group of divorcees who become commitment phobic after their divorce. It usually happens for one of two reasons. Either the divorce was so painful and traumatic that they cannot bear the thought of ever getting into a serious committed relationship again or they actually enjoy being alone. For some people, especially those in long term marriages, being alone for the first time and calling your own shots in life may be an exciting, new experience they enjoy too much to give up.

Many may find this unusual and assume all uncommitted divorcees are lonely and desperate to find new love. But there are some who enjoy causal dating and companionship without a serious commitment. I have myself been in a three year relationship, post divorce, that many would consider unusual. We live in different states now and have a long distance relationship. I have no plans to ever marry him or move to his state, nor he to mine. We enjoy each other's company and deeply care about one another, but neither of us wants to get married again at this point in our lives. I was lucky to find someone who wants the same things in a relationship that I do. Our relationship would have not lasted this long had either of us wanted a more serious relationship. Someday one of us may want more and if the relationship ends,that is okay.

The important thing to remember, no matter where are right now relationship wise after your divorce, is to know what you want and make sure the person you are dating understands that clearly. A commitment phobic should obviously not be with someone who wants to get married again. As long as you are honest when entering a new relationship and lay your cards on the table, you should find what you are looking for in a new love.

When your Ex Blames You for the Divorce....


Does your ex refuse to take any responsibility for your divorce? Is the divorce "all your fault" even though your ex may have been the one who has cheated or been abusive? If so, you may be frustrated and baffled at how your ex cannot accept any blame. It may be obvious that your ex's actions caused the breakup of the marriage ,yet he or she goes on blaming you.

Believe it or not, this is typical in many divorces. The person who had the affair or acted in other ways that contributed to the demise of the marriage turns the tables and blames their spouse. It actually makes sense when you think about it. If your ex was to admit wrongdoing, he or she would feel guilty and have to face those emotions. It is easier to blame you and not have to deal with the shame and guilt.

A recent example of this is the book actor Alec Baldwin wrote after his nasty divorce to actress Kim Basinger. He rallies against the legal system, placing blame on everyone except himself. Even after he called his daughter a "thoughtless, rude, little pig" he blamed his ex. He excused his actions by saying "parental alienation" drove him to verbally abuse his child. In all fairness, we all lose our tempers with our kids and he may have experienced parental alienation, but I don't think Alec Baldwin is ready yet to look at himself and see how he is the creator of his own life and experiences.

Yes, your ex can push your buttons but ultimately it is you who decides to react in anger. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to to do. We all have free choice. A person who cheats may say that their ex was cold and unloving, but no one forced them to have an affair, they made that decision freely. You could say your ex made you so angry, you lashed out verbally or physically. But again, you made that choice.

So the next time your ex tries to place the blame on you for the divorce, you can make a different choice. Instead of feeling angry, frustrated and feeling the need to justify why your ex is the one responsible, you can choosee to let it go and understand your ex cannot face the truth without also facing some very painful emotions he or she may be unwilling to deal with at this time.

How to Save Your Sanity During a Divorce..

If you are in the middle of a divorce you may sometimes wonder how you are going to get through this stressful time with your sanity intact. Dealing with feelings of betrayal anger, sadness, loneliness and worry all at the same time can cause even the most stable person to feel off balance. The life you once knew has changed and you no longer feel secure about what the future holds.

With the recent bombardment of negative news on the TV, in the newspapers and on the Internet, you may find yourself feeling hopeless too. Especially if you are facing many of the issues impacting divorcing couples today, like slow home sales, job loss and credit card debt.

Here are three ways to start feeling better:

1. Turn off the TV. Stop watching the news everyday or at least limit yourself to 15 minutes a day. All of the negative stuff that is in the media right now will only leave you feeling more depressed than ever. A divorce is emotionally draining and the last thing you need is more negativity right now.

2. Put some fun back into your life. Make a conscious effort to do something you enjoy this week. Rent a funny movie, go to a comedy club or go out dancing with your friends. It is important to do anything that can steer your thoughts away from the divorce and make you smile again.

3. Have hope. Eventually your divorce will be over. It may not seem like it will, but it will come to an end. Don't talk about negative events in the news with your friends and family. Try not talk about your divorce or ex for awhile either. Make a deal with yourself to not saying anything negative for 24 hours. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel when you stop focusing on the negative aspects in life and start looking for the positive things to appreciate.

When Divorce Ruins Your Credit.....

Divorce can wreck havoc on your credit rating, which not a good thing when you are trying to rebuild your life financially after a divorce and discover your credit ranking has plummeted. It may be difficult or next to impossible to preserve your good credit standing during a divorce if you are dealing with an ex who refuses to pay the bills. If your name is on credit cards, mortgages, and other bills with your spouse and those bills are not paid, your credit is going to suffer.

There may be no way to avoid a decrease in your credit ranking if you are in this situation, but you can try and repair some of the damage after the divorce is final. Often, in a divorce settlement, both parties will be responsible for their own debt or one spouse will be ordered to pay the other for outstanding credit card bills and other debt.

Even if your divorce settlement clearly states you are not responsible for the debt, creditors do not have to honor that agreement and can still pursue you for the money. You would need to take your ex back to court for violation of the divorce settlement should that happen.

After the divorce it is important to get copies of your credit report from the 3 major agencies: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. (Once a year, you may obtain a free credit report by visiting www.AnnualCreditReport.com.) Make sure your ex's debts are not showing up on your credit report. If your ex had a credit card and you were the additional cardholder, not a joint cardholder, then you are not responsible for that debt. Sometimes, though, those debts will appear on your credit report anyway. You need to go over your report carefully and contact the agencies if there any discrepancies.

Even if your credit score is low, you can raise it over time. By paying all bills before the due date and not missing any payments, you will slowly begin to rebuild your credit. As you get back on your feet, you can begin to make larger payment to pay off old debts. It may take a few years, but you can get your credit back on track again.

Do Stay at Home Dads Deserve Alimony?..

I recently met a man who has been a stay at home dad for over 10 years and is now facing a divorce. He gave up his career to take care of the children while his wife climbed the corporate ladder, becoming quite successful. Now he is faced with the harsh reality of having to get back into the workforce and try and jump start a career he left 10 years ago.

Obviously he will not be able to earn anywhere near what he would have been earning had he continued to work all of these years. Most women in this situation would have no problem asking for alimony. But some men feel awkward asking their wives for alimony in a divorce settlement, even though they clearly deserve it. Men may be afraid of being ridiculed or viewed as less of a "man" by asking for alimony.

It may have to do with the way society traditionally has viewed a man. Men have been expected to be providers for their families. But with so many women in the workforce nowadays, it is nice to see fathers taking an interest in their children and giving up careers to care for their children.

Many men do not feel their wives deserve alimony either, which is a shame. It does not matter which parent has chosen to stay home to raise the kids, the parent who has given up their career to benefit the family should receive some form of rehabilitative alimony.

You would think that a person who has had the luxury of having his or her spouse be able to stay home and raise the kids would be grateful and want to compensate the other parent in the event of a divorce. Think about how much daycare or a nanny, a maid, chauffeur and many of the other jobs stay at home parents perform and how much that would cost a family over the years. They would be paying a small fortune without the other parent there to take care of the household.

I have heard women and men refer to their stay at home spouses as "lazy". Any parent who has stayed home taking care of kids can tell you going to work is alot easier! It is time divorcing parents who are the primary caregivers are given the respect and compensation they deserve in the event of a divorce.

Is John McCain a Cheater?

I have read on the Internet recently that Presidential hopeful John McCain might not be as heroic in his personal life as he was as a war hero. Of course, what you read nowadays on the net tends to be biased and with the election nearing and the battle between the candidates heating up, you have to be careful not to take everything you read or see on TV as the truth.

The story is that soon after John McCain returned to the US after being held captive for many years as a prisoner of war, he divorced his wife, who had been crippled in a car accident and lost five inches of her height, walked with a limp and gained weight. He then went on to marry his current wife, Cindy MCain, a wealthy beer heiress only a month after his divorce.

Now in John McCain's defense, his ex-wife has nothing bad to say about him and claims that they are friends. He has also admitted blame for the demise of his marriage in a memoir. Who really knows what the cause for his breakup was. It may appear cold hearted and callous to divorce a spouse who has become disabled, but not knowing all of the facts, we should not rush to judgement about John McCain's character as a man and husband.

I have not yet decided who I will be voting for. The mudslinging between the candidates does not impress me. What I want to know, and I think most single parents what to know , is what the future president is going to do to stabilize the economy, lower gas prices, give us access to affordable health care and take care of the many other issues affecting Americans today.

Single parents struggling to raise children during these tough economic times need the candidates to tell us in their TV ads what they are going to do to turn the country around instead of wasting time attacking one another in the media.

Feeling Down About Your Divorce? ...

Divorce is often a very negative experience that can overwhelm you and take over your life. Day after day your think about your ex, the divorce and grieve the loss of your marriage. Add in feelings of anger, betrayal and shock that your marriage is over and you have a recipe for long term depression.

When thoughts of the divorce consume you, you need to try and get some emotional relief. The more you dwell on the divorce and your ex, the more angry and hurt you feel. Just because the marriage has ended it does not mean that your life has ended too. It may feel that way at times and that is normal, but all too often a divorce saps the energy from you and leaves you with feelings of hopelessness and despair.

You need to move your thoughts away from the divorce and replace them with thoughts that feel better. The key is to catch yourself in a negative thought before it spirals out of control. As soon as you start thinking about what a rotten ex you have or how unfair your divorce is, that is your cue to stop and turn your thoughts around. Obviously you are not going to be able to suddenly think positively about the situation, but you can distract yourself by doing things that make you happy.

Start by making a list of the 10 things you enjoy doing most. Maybe you have a particular hobby you enjoy, love to read or like to take walks on the beach. Whatever it is, go out and do it. By forcing yourself to get out of the house and stop the negative chatter in your mind, you will start attracting better thoughts and circumstances into your life. Little by little, the pain you feel about your divorce will start to fade into the background and then one day you will find yourself not thinking about your ex or the divorce at all.

Good News if You Are Owed Child Support...

The government has intercepted the economic stimulus checks of many deadbeat parents. More than 1.4 million of the stimulus checks (a total of about $831 million) have been seized by child support agencies. This means that if you are owed child support you may be able to collect some of the funds from your ex's stimulus check.

They are giving the people whose checks were seized 180 days to appeal, but if they are clearly in arrears, they will not be sent the money and the families will receive the funds instead. This is very good news for families who are owed child support.

Remember, it is important to be proactive if your ex does not pay child support by keeping in contact with your local child support enforcement agency. They can do periodic searches for bank accounts and assets and seize any funds they discover. They can also garnish wages and pursue legal action in court against your ex. Since these agencies are usually understaffed and overwhelmed with cases, you must be persistent and call your case worker on a regular basis.

Do not worry about bothering your case worker or being a pest. Your children have a right to child support and by making yourself known to your case worker you will get better results with collection. Be sure to provide any important information you may know about your ex, like where he works, if he has moved and anything else you may know about him that may help the agency with enforcing the support order.

Government Pursues Dead Man for Child Support...

A deceased Florida man is being billed for child support payments even though he has been dead for 10 years. Scottie Peterson's family has called the government agencies repeatedly and tried to inform them of Mr. Peterson's passing to no avail.

It is ironic that the state child support agency attempts to collect child support from someone who really is dead, yet is lax in support collections for deadbeat parents who are very much alive.

I can understand a mistake being made, but the fact that the family called and were ignored and that this has been going on for 10 years is unbelievable. We had a similar incident years ago in my own family after my father-in-law passed and we kept getting a parking ticket in his name. I called and let them know that was no longer living. They were very insistent that he pay his ticket. I finally gave them the address of the cemetery where they could find him.

Now that the media has picked up on the deceased man's family, hopefully the child support collection agency will stop their collection efforts and leave Mr. Peterson's family alone. They have plenty of deadbeats who owe large sums of back child support to concentrate on.

How Single Moms Can Make Some Extra Cash Online...

With the holidays fast approaching and all of the expenses of the new school year, most single moms can use some extra cash. Here a few ways to make some quick money right from your computer.

1.Do you love to sew, knit, make jewelry or other crafts? Go to www.etsy.com and open an online store. You can list your items for a small of fee and your creations will be seen by over a million shoppers each month.

2. With most of us spending most of our time on the Internet, it is no wonder that buying and selling online is a huge business. We all know about Ebay, but did you know you can make money selling other people's online products? It is called "affiliate marketing". There is a free course online that teaches how to do Internet marketing in 30 days. Go to : www.thirtydaychallenge.com

3. Do you enjoy helping others and have a skill or service you can share? You can start your own online coaching business by going to: www.liveperson.com. LivePerson is a unique service that matches people who have questions to the people who are qualified to answer them.

These are just a few ways you can make money online. Check sites like www.elance.com and www.guru.com for freelance work if you have skills like writing, graphic or website design.

By searching the web, you can find many potential money making opportunities.

Newly Single? What you need to know how to do....

If you have been married for a long time and especially if you married at a young age, you may have relied on your husband to take care of certain tasks usually delegated to the man of the house. It may come as a surprise to you that you do not know how to do some simple tasks that you relied on your husband to take care of.

Here are a list of things every newly single woman should learn how to do:

1. Fix a flat tire. I have not learned how to do this yet, but found myself a few months ago with a blown out tire on the side of the road with no one to call. Luckily I was able to get a mechanic to come to my aid, but had it been later in the evening I would have been out of luck. So either learn how to put the donut tire on your car and have the necessary equipment stored in your car or make sure you have road side assistance coverage.

2. Fix a toilet. You should know how to snake a toilet and install a toilet repair kit. Why pay big money to a plumber when you can fix it yourself?

3. Patch a hole in the wall. I found out how to do this after my divorce because I have two teenage sons who have twice put holes in the walls. Once by one throwing a water bottle at his brother and missing and the other time by my son swearing he "accidentally" hit the wall with his foot(ironically this was after he punished and sent to his room). Fixing a hole in the wall is relatively easy. Just buy a repair kit at home depot and some spackle and sandpaper and then repaint.

There are many other household tasks that your husband may have been responsible for that you now find yourself unable to do. Hiring a local handyman is a good idea. you may not want to take on chores like mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, trimming the trees or cleaning the gutters.

When I have had those moments where I missed having a "man" around the house, I remember how I had to repeatedly nag my husband to do these simple tasks anyway. Blinds sat in boxes, pictures were left unhung, all with the promise to do them "later". In fact when I think about it I had to hire gardeners, mechanics and other professionals while I was married.

So if you are newly single, try not to panic about not having a man around. You can learn what you need to know and hire others to take care of the rest.

What to Do When Your Divorce Drags On and On...

The divorce process can take anywhere from a few months to a few years. Those couples who find themselves in a long, bitter divorce battle often suffer from anxiety, depression and anger. A divorce that has no ending in sight takes a toll on everyone involved, including the children.

You may want to settle and get the divorce over with but may be dealing with a stubborn spouse who refuses to negotiate. It is extremely stressful dealing with a spouse who won't even consider a settlement and rather drag the case through the family court system.

But since the only person you can control is yourself, there is little you can do to force your ex to settle. However, you can make this difficult time period easier by doing the following things:

1. Inject some humor into the situation. Laughter is really the best medicine and an excellent release, so go ahead and tell some jokes about the divorce and your ex to your close friends. I recently saw a photo on the web where a divorcing woman made up fliers with a picture of her ex and the caption read: "Lost Dog: Answers to Steven". I don't suggest you the same and possibly get yourself into trouble by publicly humiliating your ex, but the point is this woman definitely had a sense of humor. If she had shared that as a private joke between a few friends, it would of been harmless and a good emotional release.

2. Have faith. Tell yourself everyday that this too shall pass and your divorce will be settled soon. It is important that you change your negative thoughts about the divorce into ones that give you hope. Most divorces, even the worst ones, do eventually settle so have faith that yours will too.

3. Get your mind off the divorce. If your divorce is all that you think about you will be miserable. Now is the time to go out with friends, start a new hobby, take a vacation if financially possible or see a movie. Any action you can take to take your focus off the divorce and do something that is fun instead will help pass this time while waiting for your divorce to be over.

Finally, if the reason you cannot settle your divorce is because you are refusing your ex's low ball settlement, take some time to review it again while you feel calm and collected. It may not be that far off from what you are asking for. You also need to weigh in how much more you will spend on attorney fees if the divorce does not settle. Sometimes an unacceptable offer can be turned around into something you both can live with if you look at it logically and see where there might be some room for compromise. They say that there are no winners in a divorce case(except for the lawyers) and both spouses are usually unhappy with the settlement. Better to take an offer that you can live with than hold out for more money or assets and be miserable.

Sarah Palin's Family Divorce Scandal...

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the GOP vice presidential candidate, is under investigation in Alaska for allegedly firing her public safety commissioner. The issue is whether Palin fired public safety commissioner Walt Monegan after he refused to fire a state trooper who had divorced Palin's sister.

Supposedly Gov. Palin wanted her ex brother in law, Trooper Michael Wooten, fired and also filed numerous complaints against Mr. Wooten that were made part of the bitter divorce trial between Mr. Wooten and Gov. Palin's sister.

It is not unusual for family members to get involved during a divorce. Family and friends are known to take sides and sometimes go too far. During my own divorce, after my ex was arrested for not paying child support, my ex sister in law called my mother and screamed and cursed at her for putting her brother in jail. Obviously my mother had nothing to do with my ex's arrest and my sister in law could not accept the fact that her it was her brother's failure to pay support and breaking of the law that landed him in a jail cell.

We often talk about how people going through a divorce can lose control of their emotions and behave irrationally. The same goes for family members. They lash out, wanting to protect the person they love and can often make a difficult divorce worse.

It is best to advise family members not to get involved in your divorce. If you tell them every ugly detail, they are going to have a negative reaction. Sometimes it is best to confide in a friend instead of a family member who is known to have a short temper. Whether the allegations against Gov.Palin are true or not, it is just another example of how a nasty divorce battle not only affects the couple who is divorcing, but everyone around them.

In a Miserable Marriage but too Afraid to Leave?

Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy marriage but can't seem to bring yourself to leave? If so you are not alone. Many women are stuck in loveless, abusive marriages yet feel paralyzed with fear at the thought of ending the relationship.

Why do women put up with emotional and physical abuse? Why do we look the other way when we find out our spouse is cheating? I think there are several answers. One is self worth. Sadly, many women are brought up to believe that they are not good enough and actually feel they deserve the abuse they experience in their marriages.

Another reason is not wanting to "rock the boat", so to speak. By standing up for themselves, they fear that their husband will leave them and then they will be alone. This is a great fear amongst women. We are so afraid to be without a man to "take care of us". You would think that in this day and age with so many women out earning men in the workplace, women would feel confident about taking care of themselves and their children. But in reality, many women still believe that they cannot make it on their own without a man's support.

If you are in an abusive, loveless marriage and are afraid to leave because you fear being alone, you need to examine if staying in a miserable marriage is better than facing the unknown and reclaiming your dignity and self-respect. It won't be easy at first and yes, it is scary to be on your own. But the benefits of calling your own shots in life and living a life of your own choosing far outweigh the temporary discomfort and fear of leaving a bad marriage.

Selling the Assets Before the Divorce is Final...

After a couple files for divorce, neither is supposed to "dissipate" the assets, meaning sell them or give them away. Yet, in many divorce cases, the law is ignored and assets are sold without the permission of the other spouse or the court.

It was in the news the other day that actress Hilary Duff's father, who is divorcing her mother, sold about $350,000 in assets and was sentenced to jail by the family court judge. I was surprised to read that the judge actually imposed a sentence and held Mr. Duff accountable for his actions. Most of time, although it is clearly stated in the divorce order that assets are not to be sold, it happens anyway and there is no repercussions.

In my own divorce, my ex sold our car and our boat for substantially less then they were worth and although the family court judge was made aware of his actions, he was not disciplined. I was credited my half based on the actual value of the assets in the final divorce settlement, but many women who have had this happened to them have a hard time proving what the assets are worth.

I cannot even tell you how many women I have coached who have told me about how their husband's have sold martial assets without permission during the divorce. One woman's husband cleared out the joint bank account, sold a very expensive car to his friend for pennies on the dollar and moved other assets out of state. Their divorce case is still ongoing, but to this date he has not be reprimanded by the court.

If you are thinking about getting a divorce, now is the time to protect yourself. Take photos and videos of all valuables. that includes cars, jewelry, furniture, boats and any other tangible assets. Make photo copies of all paper assets, like stocks, bonds, IRA accounts, etc.. It may even be wise to have valuables appraised. It is better to take care of these things now, before the divorce, then to find yourself unable to prove how much an asset is really worth later on.

Man Tries to Pay Child Support in Pennies...

A man in Denton, Md. recently attempted to pay $1,000 in child support in rolled pennies. The child support office would not accept the money. But since the man has gone to the press, they have called him and apologized and will now take the coins.

It was probably illegal to reject the pennies, considering pennies are legitimate U.S. currency. But I can see how the child support agency would be annoyed at the deadbeat's attitude and arrogance by purposely paying his child support in pennies as a sort of protest.

Why do some men resent paying child support? Do they not want to take of their children financially? Maybe they are feel so much anger and hatred for their ex that they cannot stand giving money to her, even if it is for the children? Some men are convinced that their ex-wives spend the child support on themselves. This may be true in some rare cases, but most single moms I know use child support for what it was intended, to take care of their kids.

The man who wants to pay his child support in pennies needs to come to grips with his anger and resentment and start accepting the fact that he is a father and therefore must pay support for his children. I can't understand why paying support would be an issue for him considering all of the free time he has to roll $1,000 worth of pennies. Maybe he can use those hours to get a second job or put in more hours at his current one.

Dangerous Divorce: Man Tortures Wife for Assets...

A California man, in the middle of a divorce. was arrested after he held his wife captive for 5 days and tortured her with a taser gun. He was trying to force her to give him the martial assets. Luckily, his wife escaped.

I have said this many times before but it is worth repeating, you must protect yourself during a divorce if you have any reason to believe your ex could become dangerous. Too many divorcing women are killed each year despite orders of protection.

You must trust your own inner guidance system, the "little voice" in your head that alerts you to danger. Many times women, who have very sharp instincts, will sense danger about a situation but then tell themselves they are imagining it. If your husband was violent, controlling and abusive during the marriage, you have good reason to consider him dangerous during your divorce.

Divorce brings out the worst in people, emotions are out of control and even sane, normal people can act a little crazy. A man who is already abusive can quickly become out of control during a divorce. Who knows if the California man who tortured his wife ever acted violently before. How many times have you seen stories on the news about murderers and seen their neighbors shaking their heads in shock, saying "what a great guy" the murderer was and how they would of never guessed he was capable of such a crime?

Be on guard at all times. It is better to be safe than sorry. It may be inconvenient and a hassle to have someone walk you out to your car at night or drive you home, but if you have the slightest suspicion that your husband could be dangerous, trust your instincts and protect yourself.

Going Out Again After a Divorce..

I run a divorce support group and at our last meeting, several members confessed that this was one of the few times they have been "out" since their divorce proceedings began. It was scary for them to get up the courage to go out and meet new people. They feel vulnerable, confused and overwhelmed yet long for companionship and someone to talk to.

Most people going through a divorce feel this way in the beginning. You want to go out and start living again but often find yourself immobilized with fear. Despite your best intentions, you never make it to that support group, night out with your friends, or party. Week after week and then month after month passes and you finally realize that your divorce has taken over your life leaving little room for a social life.

The people who did come out for the first time to my divorce support group said they had to force themselves to just do it and they were glad they did. If you find yourself turning down friend's invitations, staying home every weekend and lacking the desire to go out, the best thing to do it to commit to a night out and make yourself follow through. I promise you will feel better and may even enjoy yourself.

Whether it is a divorce support group or just a fun night out with your girlfriends, you need to start enjoying life again. As they say," this too shall pass", and it is so true with divorce. When you are feeling down and like your divorce will never end, know that soon enough the nightmare will be over and a new and exciting new life awaits you.

Double Standard for Women after Divorce...

I was reading one of the online entertainment blogs the other day and was shocked at the headline accompanying the photo of Sharon Stone with her new, much younger boyfriend. It said something like "Sharon Stone the cougar shows off her kill".

I have never seen such headlines used for male celebrities dating much younger women. No one seemed to care that Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes, who is many years younger. What about 82 year old Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends, one who was only 19 when she moved in with him?

Men dating younger women are respected and look up to by other men and the media and the women are attacked. Linda Hogan is another recent example. She is dating a man 29 years younger and the media has had a field day.Although I personally could not imagine dating a man so much younger than me, it is not my business to judge another woman's choice. The message sent to single, divorced women over 40 is that you are a "cougar" and on "the prowl" if you date a younger man.

It is surprising that is the year 2008 there are still different rules for women than men. If a woman wants to date a younger man, that is her personal choice, just as it for a man to date a younger woman. I think women who are single should not fear being labeled a "cougar" if they are comfortable dating younger men.

And I Thought My Divorce was Expensive.....

I spent $40,000 in legal fees for my divorce, but that seems like a bargain compared to what Britney Spears will have to shell out in attorney fees.

It is estimated her legal bill will be close to $700,000 for her divorce and custody fight with ex-husband Kevin Federline.

The majority of that bill comes from her former lawyer, Stacy D. Phillips, who claimed in court filings that she is owed nearly $407,000 for four months of work. She also claims she has written off an additional $125,000 in fees.

A half a million dollars in four months? It is hard to believe a lawyer can justified charging a client that much money for such a short time period. Kevin Federline's lawyers charged $250,000 for representation but worked well over a year on the case. Laura Wasser, the attorney who helped the couple finally reach a settlement, charge $60,000 for 2 months of work.

The moral of the story here for us normal, non-celebrities, is that divorce lawyers sometimes do jack up fees and prolong cases when a couple has assets and money. I am sure Ms. Phillips wouldn't have billed a "normal" client a half a million dollars for the same amount of work as she billed Ms.Spears.

The other lesson to take from this seemingly unimportant story about Britney Spears is something I have said over and over again. The biggest winners in your divorce will be not be you or ex, it will be the lawyers if you choose to litigate your divorce in family court. It is is possible to reach a divorce settlement without fighting, animosity and outrageous legal fees. That of course requires that both you and your ex cooperate and consider the use a mediator. If this is not a possibility, protect yourself from soaring legal fees by keeping close tabs on what your attorney is charging you and encourage he or she to try and reach a settlement with your ex's attorney as soon as possible instead of duking it out in court.

Social Security and Divorce: What are you entitled to?...

My 62 year old widowed mother recently began receiving my father's social security death benefits. We had to call the social security office to find out how the process works. I became curious about what benefits- if any-divorced people are entitled to. During my own divorce, my lawyer never discussed this issue with me. After 13 years of marriage, most of those spent as a stay at home mom, if I would be entitled to my ex-husband's social security benefits.

I went to the government's website for Social Security and here is what you need to know:

If you are divorced after at least 10 years of marriage, you can collect retirement benefits on your former spouse's Social Security record if you are at least age 62 and if your former spouse is entitled to or receiving benefits. If you remarry, you generally cannot collect benefits on your former spouse's record unless your later marriage ends (whether by death, divorce, or annulment).

If your divorced spouse dies, you can receive benefits as a widow/widower if the marriage lasted 10 years or more. Benefits paid to a surviving divorced spouse who is 60 or older will not affect the benefit rates for other survivors receiving benefits.

In general, you cannot receive survivors benefits if you remarry before the age of 60 unless the latter marriage ends, whether by death, divorce, or annulment.

If you remarry after age 60 (50 if disabled), you can still collect benefits on your former spouse’s record. When you reach age 62 or older, you may get retirement benefit on the record of your new spouse if they are higher. Your remarriage would have no effect on the benefits being paid to your children.

Warning: Scam may affect your child support payments...

If you receive child support payments through a debit card then you need to know about a new scam targeting parents. Thousands of parents across the country have reported receiving messages asking them for personal information about their debt cards.

The card, known as EPPICard, is given to custodial parents as a way to receive child support payments instead of a direct bank deposit. The parent can use the card as a credit card in stores and also withdraw cash. It seemed like a great idea until these thieves decided to try and steal child support from innocent children.To target parents who need child support to take care of their children is disgraceful.

If you have an EPPICard, do not give out your personal information to anyone claiming to be a representative of the company. They will never email you or call you. If someone does call, hang up and then call the customer service number on the back of the card.

You may even want to consider contacting your child support enforcement agency in your state and asking that your child support payments be deposited directly into your bank account. If you choose to keep the card, make sure to check your statements online frequently. They do not send out paper statements in the mail, so you need to make sure all charges are accurate.

How Low Can You Go? John Edwards Cheats on Dying Wife....

When former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards recently confessed his extramarital affair on television, I cringed thinking about the immense pain he has caused his wife, Elizabeth. This woman is battling incurable cancer. How could he put her through this?

What goes on in the mind of a cheater? How could John Edward put his own needs first without thinking about the devastating consequences to his wife, knowing the fragile physical state she is in?

I have spoken to many people on both sides, the cheaters and the ones who have been cheated on. The cheaters usually say that they were unhappy in the marriage and were tempted by someone who made them feel special and good about themselves. They usually confess that attempted to resist the affair, but eventually succumbed to the charms and seduction of their lover. The ones who have been cheated on are shocked, sickened and feel like they have had the wind knocked out of them. Feelings of not being good enough and sexy enough plague them.

We know affairs devastate and hurt people but can you imagine what Elizabeth Edward must be going through, knowing she may not live much longer, dealing with those emotions and now having to deal with the public humiliation and betrayal her husband has caused her? It is incomprehensible.

I think anyone considering an affair needs to think about what effect your actions are going to have on your spouse. Obviously John Eward is a selfish man who will now have guilt that he will carry with him the rest of his life knowing he made his wife's last days ones of pain and misery.

Tough Times for Single Parents...

With the recent increases in gas and food prices and the new school year around the corner, single parents need all the help they can get stretching a dollar. For most of us, the next few weeks will be spent buying school clothes and supplies and having to spend money on school lunches, after school activities and all of the other expenses the new school year brings.

So if our earnings and/or child support has not increased, yet all of our expenses have, how are we supposed to get by? I think most of us are asking ourselves this question, especially after filling our gas tanks.

I have found a resource that can help single parents save money on groceries and you can also get free samples and discounts at restaurants. The site to go to is www.couponmom.com . Believe it or not, I found out about this site from my ex-husband. My kids went for a visit to NJ to see their father this summer and came back home bragging about how dad saves all this money on food shopping.

I asked my ex what he was doing and he said he is using the system taught on the coupon mom website. I checked it out and it seems logical. I will be using the system and the coupons in my own home now. So check out the site and hopefully it will help you cut costs on groceries too.

Gay Former Governor Does not have to Pay Alimony....

Former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey, who has admitted he is gay, does not have to pay alimony to his former wife, Dina Matos. A judge did rule that he must pay child support for his 6 year old daughter in the amount of $1075 per month.

I was very surprised at this ruling because the main issue of the divorce trial was whether or not Mr. McGreevey was purposely underemployed. Judges can impute wages to people they feel are not earning what they are capable of in a divorce case and I assumed that Mr. McGreevey would be imputed income, considering he was once making several hundred thousand dollars per year but now claims to be "poor". He wants to be a priest and has even turned down a lucrative offer from a NJ radio station to host his own radio show.

The judge actually said that McGreevey was being supported by his rich boyfriend while studying at a seminary to be a priest and, therefore, didn't need employment to support himself. So the former governor still gets to live a life of luxury, courtesy of his lover, while his daughter only gets $1,075 per month? Why is this man allowed to under employ himself when he has children to support? The judge knows he is capable of earning more ,yet is allowing him to dramatically reduce his income.

I recently coached a woman, also from NJ, who has been a stay at home mom for 13 years with no skills, no income and two children with special needs, yet the judge in her divorce case feels she should be imputed income, meaning whether she has a job or not, the judge will come up with an amount he feels she can earn and that figure will be used when calculating child support.

Mr. McGreevy gets to minimally support his daughter to pursue a career that does not pay well just because he has a rich boyfriend and this woman has to go out and find a job, when with her skills, she will be lucky to make $10 per hour?

This is just another example of what can happen if you cannot settle your divorce and you put your trust in the family court system. You are at the mercy of judges, lawyers and a system that is not always fair and just. The lesson here is clear. If there is anyway to resolve your divorce is an amicable and fair manner, do it. You may not be so lucky in court.

Is Your Divorce Making You Crazy?...

I referred a client the other day to a divorce attorney I know. He met with the woman and said he could not represent her and that she was "crazy". What he failed to recognize was that perfectly normal, sane people can become temporarily insane from the the divorce process.

No one understands this unless they have been through a divorce themselves. Your emotions are raw and your life has been turned upside down. You feel like you are on a roller coaster and can't get off. One minute you are in a rage and the next you are curled in a ball, crying your eyes out. Your life is no longer the same and your future is uncertain. Can anyone really expect you to act like a rational person?

The key is to fake it. Any crazy, out of control behavior will hurt you. If you act on your impulses, you could have a restraining order issued against you and end up in jail. Lawyers do not want to represent out of control clients and judges will quickly side with your soon to be ex if you cannot behave yourself. There is so much at stake here.

So, even though you feel a little crazy, you need to come up with ways yourself keep yourself calm and in control, at least in public. At home, in the privacy of your own bedroom, go ahead and scream , punch a pillow and curse your ex. Let it out so you can let it go.

I promise you that soon enough this will all pass and your new life will begin. Hang in there, it will take time for your life to return to any degree of normalcy, but eventually it will happen. One day, when you hear about some "crazy" person acting out during their divorce you will completely understand and sympathize, knowing that you were once feeling the same way..

Confessions of a Reformed "Killer" Divorce Attorney...

When I was going through my own nasty divorce one of the things that shocked me most was the despicable behavior of my husband's divorce attorney. This man was cruel, ruthless and thought nothing of hurting me or my family. His vicious courtroom tactics, coupled with my ex's refusal to settle, caused my divorce to linger on for 18 months before being finalized.

Since then I must admit I have a strong disdain for divorce lawyers who advise their clients not to settle and actuallyencourage a divorce battle, knowing they will benefit financially if their clients cases go to trial.

I have recently spent some time speaking with Cynthia Tiano, a reformed killer divorce attorney turned mediator who has spearheaded the Peaceful Divorce movement and is the co-author of Happily Divorced! Secrets of the Win-Win Formula. Cynthia opened up to me about why she left behind a thriving business as a divorce attorney and now devotes her life to helping couples create peaceful divorces. I think you will find what she has to say fascinating and it will give you a rare glimpse into the life of a divorce attorney. It is possible to have a peaceful divorce,as Cynthia proves here. Here in Cynthia's own words, is her story, being revealed for the very first time:

Many people have asked me why I turned from being a successful, aggressive divorce attorney to a mediator. It is a question that I have been asked over and over again for a dozen years now. I admit that I never really delved deeply into the question, just answered it with some general statements like, “It was no longer in line with my truth,” or “My spiritual growth would no longer allow me to ignore the damage I was doing to families,” or some such.

Now, to a large extent, these statements are true. But it wasn’t until today that I really looked within and had the courage to really ask myself the question. Why do I now preach and teach Peaceful Divorce? And here is the answer: because I created a peaceful divorce for myself 17 years ago when I divorced my ex-husband, and how that experience changed everything for me.

Here is my story:

I was with my first husband for 16 years, from the time I was 19 and he was 23. We went through lots of tough times together, especially financially – heck, when we met I was earning $2.15 an hour as a desk clerk at a hotel on the beach, and he was working for a hobby store chain!

I was studying to get my college degree during the day, while working nights at the hotel. At one point I took a paralegal course, became a paralegal, and worked for a couple of law firms. That’s when I thought: ‘if these guys can become lawyers, so can I.’

So I finished up my degree and went to law school. The man who would become my first husband and I moved in together. It was very difficult – I was either going to school or studying all of the time. He got laid off from his job shortly after we moved in together. But we supported each other as best we could and, in my third year of law school, we got married.

I graduated from law school and became a divorce attorney (I knew from my first day in law school that is what I wanted to specialize in). My husband started his own computer business. We saved and bought our first home together, and had a pretty happy marriage for the better part of 10 years. We traveled a lot, accumulated a lot of stuff and, as happens to many, many couples, as the years went by we drifted apart as our interests changed, taking our lives in two different directions.

We were never blessed with children, although my husband wanted them very badly. I wasn’t sure, wanted to wait until my career was secure and, before you knew it, my time to have babies (if I ever could have conceived) had passed. At age 34 I had to have a complete hysterectomy for medical reasons, so that was that.

My husband and I continued to drift apart until it got to the point that it felt like we were strangers living in the same house. I had become very involved with my thriving divorce practice, and he became very involved with his computer business. I was into self-improvement and, at that time, he was not. Neither of us had much interest in the other’s interests. And there were other serious problems as well.

We went to counseling together, and I also went separately, but it was really too little too late. Promises to change went unmet, and, in a fog of anger and pain, I eventually made the decision that we needed to get a divorce and move on with our lives. I was full of confusion, doubt, and fear, but I couldn’t see any other way out.

My husband did not put up much of a fight about my decision, a fact I blamed him for, for many years thereafter - that is, when I wasn’t busy blaming myself for throwing away a perfectly good husband and marriage. Even as I listened to my inner voice telling me I was doing the right thing, my self-doubt ran very deep.

But why am I telling you all of this? Because I want you to know that I am human just like you. Because I want you to know that I understand your pain and grief, as I have been through it, too. Because maybe you can see yourself and your own situation somewhere in here.
But mostly I am telling you this story because, with my unique perspective as a divorce attorney during my own divorce, even amidst my anger and pain, I knew why it was important to create a peaceful divorce for myself, and I knew how to do it. And that is what I want to share with you.

I was divorced in 1991. At that time I had been a divorce lawyer for 9 years and had a thriving practice in Boca Raton, Florida, and a reputation for being a “killer,” a “shark,” a “barracuda,” and some other choice names that I can’t mention here. I was equally respected, feared, and hated by most of my fellow lawyers, and certainly by my client’s spouses.

I gave my practice my all and went for the throat without exception, and without mercy. I thought that I was being a good lawyer that way. I believed that is what I had to do to “zealously represent” my clients (which is an ethical rule for attorneys, by the way). And, because, let’s admit it – I made a lot of money.

When I went through my own divorce, all of that began to change. I was well aware of the pitfalls and landmines that divorce litigation presents. I knew how words could be used as lethal weapons against open emotional wounds, and how to escalate a disagreement into a war.
I understood the lasting impact that battling someone you once loved and trusted, someone who once was your best friend, can have on a person for years to come. I saw first-hand how children were torn apart when not only was their world crumbling around them, but when neither Mom nor Dad could provide a safe emotional place for them to land.

I knew all too well how families including brothers and sisters, in-laws and cousins, and mothers and fathers could get caught in the middle of a no-win situation when a couple divorces on the legal battleground.

And, knowing all that I knew, I was determined not to let that happen to me.
Believe me, there were plenty of times during my divorce that I wanted to scream, kick and fight. Times I was furious because my soon-to-be ex wanted something that I wanted, when I was convinced that he only wanted it because I wanted it. Times when I was certain that he was trying to punish me, to get even with me for finally making the decision to divorce. The time he mentioned the word “alimony” (for him, not me!) during one of our “settlement” conversations, I have to admit, I almost lost it!

But each time I was tempted to “go there” I pulled myself back until I could get control of my emotions. I was absolutely determined to create a peaceful divorce (of course, I didn’t call it that back then, the term didn’t even exist as far as I knew). I was unwilling to pay the price, both financially and emotionally, that hundreds of my clients had paid. I knew that the cost was never recouped, and that the damage that was done was often beyond repair.

As I consciously created a “peaceful” divorce, my husband followed suit. I remembered, each time I was tempted to lash out, all of the times my mother used to say to me when I was a little girl and came home upset by a tiff I had in the schoolyard, “they can’t fight by themselves.” As long as one of us remained calm, the situation could remain under control.

I made sure to be as fair as I possibly could be, right down to creating two lists – each one containing one-half of our possessions, and letting him pick which list he wanted – an old trick that many judges use in the courtroom.

I tried to understand his point of view and to carefully listen to what he had to say without imposing immediate judgment. Believe me, it wasn’t easy! But I knew the consequences of indulging in my anger and resentment, and it just wasn’t worth it. We didn’t rush, we allowed a sufficient amount of time to pass to cool down when necessary, and then began the negotiations again when cooler heads prevailed (there really was no mediation in those days).

Finally, we came to an agreement, each of us using our own attorneys, but letting them know that we wanted to keep our divorce peaceful, and not go to court. We succeeded in keeping our families out of it for the most part, and made it through one of the most difficult times in each of our lives without the financial and emotional devastation that a court battle would have surely brought. In the end, we had an uncontested divorce.

That experience changed who I was as a person, and as a lawyer. Although I did not officially close my litigation practice until a few years later, I never practiced divorce law the same way again. My own close call with what I had been dishing out for years shook me up enough to make me change my evil ways.

I now understood first-hand how it’s not so easy to just “get over it!” (a favorite expression of mine with clients prior to my own divorce). Additionally, as a result of my own personal experience my compassion for all parties increased, and I lost my edge. I had no heart for the courtroom anymore. I could no longer ignore the voice inside of me reminding me that these were families with their children and their life savings at stake.

It was then that I decided that I would no longer be a part of the problem, but would become a part of the solution. In 1995 I closed my divorce litigation practice forever, and I was one of the first in the county to become a divorce lawyer turned mediator. I have practiced exclusively divorce mediation ever since, helping families to create peaceful divorces for themselves, even when they did not believe it was possible to do so.

When it appeared to me that it would take me forever that way to reach all of the divorcing families who needed my help, I co-authored my book, “Happily Divorced! Secrets of the Win-Win Formula” along with a seasoned marriage and family psychologist, to show divorcing couples, step-by-step, how they can create a peaceful divorce, no matter what, and to support them and their families on this life-changing journey.

With love and unwavering support,

Cynthia Tiano, Esq.
Peaceful Divorce Mediator

P.S. My former husband re-married a year after our divorce and has two beautiful children. We stay in touch indirectly through our extended families, with whom we are still friends. Twelve years ago, I married a wonderful man, and I am very happily married to this day.
Who knows what the Universe has in store for you?

How an Affair Can Shatter Your Self-Esteem...

Finding out your husband has cheated can be devastating to your self-worth and self-esteem. You torture yourself with thoughts of not being attractive enough, not being thin enough, smart enough, etc. Your brain comes up with all sorts of scenarios of what you could of or should of done differently in the marriage. These kinds of thoughts plummet your self-esteem and leave you feeling sad, hurt and depressed, sometimes feeling like you will never be loved again.

In many cases, your husband may have been emotional abusive in the marriage and called you names and even may blame you for his affair. So how can you even begin to recover emotionally from your spouse's affair, when you have become your own worst enemy and deep down don't believe you deserve to be loved?

The first thing you need to do is start changing your thoughts. When the negative chatter in your head starts, you need to counter it with a positive thought. It would be unrealistic to expect yourself to go from feeling depressed to hopeful all at once, so you must take small, baby steps to regaining your self-worth again.

For example, the next time you start thinking about the affair and how unattractive you must be for your husband to have cheated, change that thought to "Many of the world's most beautiful women, like Halle Berry and Christie Brinkley have been cheated on too. Attractiveness has nothing to so with why a man cheats". That thought feels alot better than "I am am fat and homely and that is why my husband cheated".

You may want to write down every negative belief you have about your husband's affair. List them all. Then replace each one, in writing, with a more positive one. Look at that list every day until you begin to feel better.

The worst thing you can do is to stay home and think about the affair all day long. Grab your girlfriends, get dressed up and go out for a ladies night out. Allow yourself to flirt and notice the positive male attention you receive. This can do wonders for your self-esteem. An innocent night out with your friends can lift your spirits and make you feel attractive again.

The key is to start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Focus on your strengths and talents. Maybe there is a hobby or sport you are good at that you can take up again? Anything you can do to boost your self-esteem and self-worth will help you through this difficult time.

Why You Don't Want To Go To Divorce Court...

Do you believe that court is a place where justice is served and judges are unbiased and fair in their rulings? The truth is this is often not the case in family court. If you fail to settle your divorce outside of a courtroom, you could be in for a rude awakening.

The family court system is overcrowded and understaffed. Expect to wait weeks to get a court date and be prepared to spend hours waiting for your case to be heard, if it is heard at all. Many times you can spend an entire day at court, paying your divorce lawyer several hundred dollars and hour only to have your case adjourned at the last minute. You then have to repeat the whole process again several weeks later.

When you put your divorce in the hands of a family court judge, you are basically entrusting your future to a stranger who has no emotional interest in your case or your family. The judge's rulings are usually cut and dry.

You may be shocked at the rulings that a judge can make. Instead of going to mediation and resolving their differences, many couples think that by fighting it out in a courtroom they will "win". But the sad truth is that no one wins when a divorce goes to court, except for the divorce lawyers. Court dates can drag on for months and even years and if you go to trial, be prepared to spend a fortune on attorney fees.

I think divorcing couples need to put their anger aside and look at the facts. Is it really worth it to fight over assets and refuse to compromise? Will you eventually spend more in attorney fees than the asset is worth?

Of course there are times when it is necessary to go to court when one party refuses to negotiate and settle the divorce in a reasonable, fair manner. But often couples are stubborn and go to court thinking that they are going to punish their spouse and the judge will rule in their favor. They are shocked when they do not get what they wanted and rack up huge attorney fees. If both parties can keep the lines of communication open and have a willingness to compromise, an agreement can usually be reached and you can avoid the courtroom altogether.