A New Year and a New Beginning: What will you do differently in 2009?

No matter how difficult 2008 was, a new year is only a few days away and you have a chance to start over and do things differently this year. After all, someone once said the definition of insanity is doing things the same way over and over again and expecting different results.

You may wonder how you will be able to make this upcoming year better than last year. We all make our new year resolutions only to find ourselves breaking them weeks or even days later, so how can you make sure that this year you really will accomplish your goals?

Start first by making a list of want you don't want. That may sound strange, but you need to get clear about the things in your life that make you unhappy so you know what needs to be changed. Work on letting go of the past and any resentments you may have with other people, including your ex. When you hold on to anger, the person you hurt is yourself. You may never actually like your ex or someone else who has hurt you, but you can release the negative energy you harbor around that person and free that energy up for yourself.

Next, write down a detailed description of how you would like you life to be this year. Include everything you want, from a new relationship to more money, to a better relationship with your kids. Be specific. Visualize your life in 2009 as you want it to be. Warning: do not allow any thoughts about how you are going to get these things to creep in. Just trust and have faith that this next year will bring you everything you hoped and wished for.

Finally, to really ensure that 2009 will be your best year ever, make a list of what you were grateful for in 2008. Feeling thankful for the good things in your life can only bring more of the same to you. Instead of focusing on what went wrong last year and beating yourself up for your mistakes, focus on what you did right. No matter how difficult your life has been so far, it does not have to continue that way. Stop placing blame on your ex, your lawyer, the court system, etc. and understand that you are on control of your destiny and only you can change your life for the better.

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Dating After Divorce Dilemma: Blending Your Kids with His

Dating after a divorce can be an exciting time. With your divorce finally behind you, you look forward to meeting someone new. But when you or your new love have children, complications can soon set it.

It would be great if life were like the Brady Bunch and your kids and his kids all got along, but in reality, many children feel resentful and upset when their parents date. Expecting them to accept your new mate's children can be difficult as well.

A friend of mine has three children and her ex-husband recently remarried and had a baby. His wife has 4 children from a previous marriage. Her kids are overwhelmed and confused when visiting dad and his new, large, instant family. They complain that they no longer get any alone time with their dad and visits are chaotic are less frequent.

Blending families successfully is a huge challenge. If your kids do not like your boyfriend or his kids do not like you, it can put a huge strain on your relationship. Here a three ways to minimize the trauma to your kids and help them accept your new love and his children:

1. Take it slow. Do not introduce your kids to his kids to quickly. Give your kids time to get to know your new boyfriend first.

2. Keep visits with your boyfriend's kids short and infrequent in the beginning. Do not overwhelm your children by forcing them to spend time with your boyfriend's family. Give them time to develop their own relationship with his kids.

3. Make sure to spend plenty of time with your kids. It is easy to become distracted with your new love and want to be with him all of the time. However if you have children, they will become resentful. They crave your attention and need to feel secure.

A divorce is difficult enough on a child. You can only imagine how confusing it must be for a child to see his parents dating new people and then having to share his parents with other children who are not his siblings. The key is to take it slow and give your children time to accept your new relationship. With time, extra attention and patience, most children will eventually come around.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

How to Get a Deadbeat to Pay Child Support

If you are a single parent and your ex refuses to pay child support, you may be at your wit's end trying to collect the child support owed your children. It is a frustrating, long process if you are dealing with a deadbeat who works off the books, hides money or moves from state to state.

The child support enforcement agencies can only do so much and they are overloaded with cases. Private investigators are expensive and you may feel like you have reached a dead end.

I recently found a website that may help you in tracking down your ex and finding the evidence you need to collect the back support owed. EmailRevealer.com has a few services that are affordable and can give you the proof you need to bring your ex back into family court. Here are a few of the services that can help:

1. A background check. For $99.00 they will give you, addresses (10 Years),a list of relatives ,assets ,judgments, liens lawsuits, bankruptcies and UCC filings

2. Locating a current employer. The price for this service is not listed on the site. If you provide a social security number, address and name, they can find the current employer your ex is working for.

3. Asset Search. This one is pricey at $399.00 but you will get a complete list of your ex's assets including:

Real Estate
Investments: Stocks / Bonds / Mutual Funds
Boats
Planes
Companies
Bank Accounts: Checking and Savings
Trust Accounts
Real Estate
Cars

The company also lists email trace reports and many other services on their website. If you find any information on your ex that can help you in the collection of child support, you should either file a motion at your family court or if your case is handle by a state child support enforcement agency, contact your case worker and turn the information over.

Remember, you must be persistent. That may mean calling your case worker every few days so that your case dos not get lost in the shuffle. The state agencies can also do searches for bank accounts and employers for you for free, but they are slow and it can take a considerable amount of time to get results.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Have You Ever Wished Your Ex Was Dead?

Does your ex make you so upset that you sometimes wish he or she were dead? Do you feel rage and anger towards your ex and think your life would be better off if your ex were no longer around?

Many perfectly normal people have had fleeting thoughts such as these during a difficult divorce. Thankfully, most do not act of these thoughts. However, some people, overcome with pain, lose control and become violent towards their ex-partner.

You have probably heard about the man, who dressed as Santa Claus, gunned down 9 people at his in-laws house on Christmas Eve. This man recently went through a divorce and was seeking revenge. I am sure no one who knew him would have ever thought that he was capable of such a despicable act.

Predicting who will become violent during a divorce is tricky, since divorce tends to bring out the worst in most people and people say and do things they would never do under different circumstances. Only someone who has gone through a divorce can understand the deep feelings of hurt and betrayal, the feelings of having your life spin out of control and not being able to control your emotions. Most divorcing people will find a way to cope with these feelings, but more often than not, some will act out and become vengeful.

If you are going through a rough divorce right now and are consumed with anger and rage, you need a way to release these feelings in a healthy way. Writing down your feelings in a journal or talking someone is a good way to let it out. No matter how much your hate your ex and blame him or her for your pain, acting out in anyway will only hurt yourself and the people around you.

The incident with the divorced man who committed mass murder might be rare, but there are many divorce related deaths not regularly reported by the media. You may think that even though you despise your ex you would never be capable of hurting someone else. But many divorce related crimes are not premeditated and happen on impulse. If you cannot control your emotions, you are at risk of lashing out and possibly hurting someone physically or emotionally.

Watch your thoughts and become aware of your feelings. When that feeling of rage rises up in you, identify it and find a way to let it go. If you find yourself fantasizing about hurting your ex and it occurs on a regular basis, it is time to seek professional help. Remember, that although your divorce will be one of the most painful experiences you will ever go through, this time period in your life will pass. If you stay in control and develop coping mechanisms to deal with your anger, one day soon your divorce nightmare will be a distant memory and your new life will begin.

When Children of Divorce Take Sides....

It is a well known fact that divorce not only hurts children, it can also sever relationships between parents and grown children. When a teenager or adult child decides to side with one parent during the divorce, it can damage the parent-child relationship forever.

My own 22 year old daughter has not spoken to her father in almost 5 years. Because of my ex's actions and behaviors during our divorce, she chooses not to have him in her life. I have encouraged her to try and forgive her father, but she is not ready to make amends. She feels that until he expresses true remorse over his behavior during the divorce and stops placing blame on others, she does not want a relationship with him.

Of course it makes me feel horrible that my ex and her father, who were once very close do not have a father-daughter relationship anymore. But what drove my daughter to cut off ties with her dad were some horrible comments he made during the divorce about her grandfather who then passed away months later. At her age, I must respect her decision to not speak to her father, but it is still makes me sad to hear my ex tell people he has 3 children when he has 4 and I feel bad that my daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle someday. Maybe they will eventually reconcile, but until then there is little I can do to help repair their relationship.

I think divorcing couples need to be careful about confiding in teenage or adult children during a divorce. You may have the best intentions and want to be honest with your adult child about the divorce, but letting adult children in on the ugly details of the divorce can backfire and cause the child to take sides. It is bad enough that friends and family often take sides, but when a child chooses end a relationship with a parent because of a divorce, it can be devastating.

How to Find a New Love for the New Year...

Are you finally ready to meet that someone special? Do you feel you have moved on after your divorce and can now enter into a new relationship, baggage free? You may feel that you are ready, but there a few things you need to do before joining that dating website or getting fixed up on blind dates. Here are three ways to guarantee your next love will be a keeper:

1. Get yourself ready first. If physical appearances are important to you, make sure you look your very best. You say you want someone who is fit and trim? then make sure you lose those extra pounds. Remember, like attracts like.

2. Get rid of unrealistic expectations. You will have a difficult finding someone if you require that your mate be certain height or work in a particular profession. Narrow your "must haves" down to the things that really matter to you and be flexible about the rest.

3. Work on removing your old limiting beliefs and habits. Spend some time analyzing your past relationships and take an objective look at what part you may have played in your breakups. It is not easy to accept responsibility for your divorce, but until you can figure out your part in the breakup, you will bring the same issues into your next relationship. This is about self reflection, not blame, so don't beat yourself up.

One last piece of advice: When searching for your new love this year, remember to take it slow and don't be upset if he or she does not appear right away. You will meet the right person if you do not rush into a new relationship just because you are lonely. Don't waste time dating someone you know, deep down, is not the right person for you.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

A Christmas Present for the Ex?

A divorce presents many new challenges and many are ones you probably have never thought of before. When you have small children, the issue of getting your ex a present for Christmas arises. Should you buy a gift for your ex for your kids to give?

Your ex may be the last person on earth you want to buy a present for, but it is important for your kids to be able to give presents to their parents on the holidays. You may be thinking that since your ex does not get a present for you from the kids, why should you bother? But I believe that if your child has asked about getting a present for daddy or mommy, you should buy something small for your children to give.

Remember, this is not about you or your ex, it is about making your children, who do not have money on their own or the ability to go shopping, feel good. Imagine how sad a child would feel, wanting give a present to their parent and not being able to? Of course, if it really kills you to spend a dime on the ex, then have your child make a homemade gift.

I took a photo of my kids under the Christmas tree and ordered an 8x10 and some wallets for my ex as a gift from the kids. I know he will like that and my kids will feel like they gave dad something for Christmas. It was also very inexpensive.

So even though your ex may be on your naughty list and deserve a lump a coal instead of a gift, try being the better person and make your kids happy by providing them with a small gift to give on Christmas to their mom or dad.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

New Tool to Catch a Cheating Spouse...

Do you suspect your spouse is cheating? Need evidence? Forgot hiring a private investigator, there is a new way to get the proof you need: DNA

testing.

An Israeli woman took her husband's underwear to the lab and traces of DNA that were not hers or her husband's were found. She is now presenting the evidence to a Rabbinical court . Evidently there is a large sum of money involved in this divorce case.

But before you run off to the lab with your spouse's underwear, there are a few things to consider. The lab may not find any evidence if your spouse used protection during the sexual encounter, so your instinct about the affair may still be correct but you might not get the evidence you hoped for. If you plan on using the test results in court, it may not even be admissible. You would need to check with a divorce attorney.

It may sound crazy to test your spouses underwear for DNA, but I can understand someone doing it. When you suspect your spouse is cheating and have no proof, it can drive you crazy. You need to know the truth so you can deal with the affair and decide if you want to stay in the marriage or not. But you may not get the proof you need unless you actually catch them in bed together. Some cheaters, unless caught red handed, will not admit they have had an affair. If you suspect your spouse is cheating, your probably right. Trust your instincts.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Does Madonna's Husband Deserve a 76 Million Dollar Divorce Settlement?

Madonna's publicist announced today that Madonna will pay her husband, Guy Ritchie, between 76 -92 million dollars in their divorce settlement. The couple has been married for 8 years. That is a huge amount of money, even for a superstar. Should Guy Ritchie get such an enormous sum of money for only 8 years of marriage?

I think he should. Madonna, known for being a savvy business woman, made a huge mistake by not asking Guy Ritchie to sign a prenuptial agreement when they married. It amazes me that superstars like Madonna and Paul McCartney do not have the sense to protect their assets, knowing how often Hollywood marriages fail.

Since there was obviously no prenup, Guy Ritchie is entitled to half of whatever Madonna earned during their marriage. I think Madonna made the right choice settling the divorce and not fighting her husband in court like Paul McCartney did in his divorce. The couple have 3 young children who will be spared much heartache now that they have agreed to a settlement.

I am curious if the media will label Guy Ritchie a "gold digger" like they did with Heather Mills.

It seems unfair that Heather Mills was vilified in the press for wanting millions of dollars from Paul McCartney, while nothing negative is being said about Guy Ritchie wanting such a big chunk of Madonna's fortune.

Either way, whether you're man or a woman and whether you have a fortune or not, if you do not have a prenup, you can expect to share half of all assets acquired during a marriage. Madonna has set a good example by agreeing to pay her husband instead of engaging in a long, drawn out court battle.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce....

5 Divorce Dirty Tactics You Need to Know About.....

Unfortunately, many divorces turn ugly and it is usually due to one partner resorting to dirty divorce tactics. The spouse who decides to implement these tactics feels desperate and out of control and will do anything to hurt his or her spouse. You need to be aware of these dirty divorce tactics so that you can protect yourself during your divorce. Warning: If you are someone who thinks that using any of these tactics will help you in your divorce, think again. These tactics always backfire. The courts are well aware of them and if you use any of these against your spouse, you will be the one who pays for it in the end.

Here they are:

1. Filing a phony restraining order. This is also know as an order of protection. Your ex decides that he wants you out of the house so he makes up false allegations of abuse. This is also done to get custody of the children.

2. Fling for sole custody of the children. A spouse who files for custody when he or she knows that the other parent has been the primary caregiver and the children are being well care for does this for several reasons. It is the ultimate way to hurt the other spouse and extract revenge. It is also done as a ploy to avoid paying child support.

3. Claiming to be disabled. This tactic is used to reduce alimony and child support payments. A spouse will suddenly come down with a disability and claim he or she can no longer earn the amount of money they have been earning throughout the marriage.

4. Selling and hiding assets. Hiding money in bank accounts that are out of state or in another country or selling assets to friends or family members for a fraction of their value on paper and then pocketing the cash are some examples of devious divorce tactics a divorcing person may use.

5. Refusing to mediate or settle the divorce. A person who does this wants their spouse to suffer and does not care how much money is spent in attorney fees. They are so hurt and full of rage that by prolonging the divorce, they feel they have some sort of control.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

What Would You Have Done Differently During Your Divorce?...

If your divorce is over, do you ever find yourself wondering what you could of done differently? Something that may of helped the process go more quickly and smoothly? Do you have any regrets?

I was recently asked this question and my first reaction was that since my ex refused to pay child support and spousal support during our divorce and felt that I deserved nothing, I had no choice but to fight back. I had 4 children, a house with a mortgage and little money coming in. Everything was at stake. I was dealing with an irrational person at the time who refused to settle our divorce fairly.

On second thought, however, I do feel that there was one area during my divorce where I could have handled myself better and that is with my children. Although I tried my best at the time to protect them, they still were caught in the cross fire and suffered as a result.. I do regret confiding in my 17 year old daughter at the time. Even though she was a young adult, I think she took on too much responsibility at too young of an age. If I had to do it over, I would have told her less and not relied on her so much.

I am sure most parents feel guilty about getting divorced and the effect it has on the kids. We are just so unprepared to deal with the ugliness and pain that divorce can cause. We have a hard time keeping ourselves emotionally stable so it is no wonder that we are ill prepared to deal with our children's emotions and help them cope with the divorce.

So do you wish you could have done anything differently during your divorce? If so, what would you have changed? Hopefully, those who are still in the divorce process or thinking about getting a divorce will read your comments and gain some insight from someone who has already been in their shoes.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Can The Law of Attraction Help Children of Divorce?

Listen below to the interview I did with Rhonda Ryder, Founder of Kid Awakening and the creator of "Inspired Parenting", her interviews with 3 teachers from the movie "The Secret", Dr. Joe Vitale, Mike Dooley and Dr. John Demartini. I asked Rhonda how we can use the law of attraction to help our children cope with divorce. Click here to get her free e-book, “The 7 Secrets to Sharing The Law of Attraction With Kids and Teens”

What You Can Expect When Going to Family Court...

If you have never been to family court before and you have court date coming up for you divorce, there are a few things you need to know. Spending time at family court can be quite a shock. Here are 5 things to expect so that you can prepare yourself:

1. It will take all day long. Even though your case is scheduled for 9:00 am, be prepared to spend the entire day waiting. Family courts are overbooked and it is quite common to be there all day. Bring reading materials to keep your occupied. The court breaks for lunch so make sure you bring money so that you can buy lunch or a snack while you wait.

2. Your case might be rescheduled. This may happen the day before the court date you have waited weeks for. It can even happen while you are already there. I once waited 8 hours for a court date only to have it rescheduled. I had to pay my lawyer over $1,200 for sitting there all day. The court system does not reimburse you or care.

3. Do not speak or even look at your ex. If you start an argument with your ex while waiting outside the courtroom, you can be sure it will be used against you. Do not speak to your ex without your attorney present. You do not want your ex making false accusations against you. If you are there with a family member, tell him or her to keep quiet as well. During my first court date my father confronted my ex. My ex had his lawyer march into the judge and falsely accused my father of threatening him. He then filed a restraining order against my father!

4. Keep your mouth shut while in the courtroom. The judge will scold you should you make any outbursts. If you feel your ex or his attorney is saying something that is not true, alert your lawyer by jotting it down on a legal pad. Your lawyer is your mouthpiece in the courtroom and you are not allowed to speak unless directed to by the judge. Even whispering can get you in trouble. Remember, everything is being recorded inside the courtroom.

5. Be prepared to be disappointed. The family court system is not always just and fair. You may be shocked at the judge's ruling. Control your emotions the best you can. You will most likely have the same judge throughout your divorce and he or she will be the one ruling should your divorce go to trial. You do not want to appear to the judge as someone who is out of control. If you are upset with the judge's ruling, discuss this with your attorney and he can file another motion.

If there is any possibility you can settle your divorce fairly without going to court, do it. The expense, stress and aggravation of having to appear in court, often multiply times throughout your divorce, can take a huge emotional and financial toll on you.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce

Would You Spend the Holidays with Your Ex and His Girlfriend?...

I just read on popeater.com that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore plan to celebrate Christmas with Bruce Willis and his girlfriend, Emma Heming. Apparently, they all went to Europe with the kids to celebrate Thanksgiving too.

The article referred to this situation as being "awkward". I think it is wonderful that Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's children are able to spend the holidays with both parents. They do not have to feel torn between their parents on the holidays and obviously have not suffered emotionally because of their parent's divorce. Their parents were mature enough to put their differences aside and maintain a friendship after the divorce.

Is it common or even realistic for most divorcing couples? Unfortunately, no. I have never spent a post divorce holiday with my ex. I bet most of us haven't. We are still dealing with trying our best to not let our ex get under our skin and push our buttons. Spending Christmas dinner with our ex and his girlfriend would seem bizarre to most of us.

But flash forward 10 or more years to a time when your kids are now grown and have children of their own. Your son or daughter wants to have Christmas at their house and wants to invite both his parents and their new spouses. Is it fair to not go simply because your ex will be there? Would you miss out on spending Christmas or another holiday with your grandchildren because you still cannot stand your ex after all these years?

Wouldn't it be great if we could somehow resolve our differences with our ex, accept and embrace his new relationship and be able to sit down to dinner with our children for a holiday meal with no animosity? What would it take to get to that point? I think Demi Moore says it best in this quote:

"We had an unconventional Thanksgiving, and we will all be together for Christmas as well with our three daughters. I think the key with any past is that you recognize and hold on to what you loved and what you gained and you don't attach yourself to what you've lost."

Can we overlook what caused the divorce, let go of the hurt and anger, no matter how justified and instead think of what we once loved about our ex? Can we focus on the good qualities about him, the reasons we married him in the first place? If we could get those feelings back and view our ex as a friend now instead of an enemy, everything would change. We would no longer hold on to bitterness from the past and it would be possible to spend holidays together.

Of course none of this is easy to do and it I think it depends on how far past the divorce you are. If you recently went through a bitter divorce you need time to work through the grief and hurt feelings before being able to let go and forgive. But making peace with your ex is something to strive for. If not for yourself, then for your children.

When Will You Be Happy Again?

When you are going through a divorce you often wonder when you will begin to feel happy again. A divorce can feel like a dark cloud has parked itself over your head. With thoughts of your divorce consuming your ever waking moment, you may feel as if there no escape from the pain. You may not even remember what it felt like to be happy.

Don't worry, you will be happy once again. When is up to you. This may shock you but you could even be happy right now, in the midst of the pain, hurt and agony your divorce is causing you. You might not be be jumping for joy, but you can give yourself moments of happiness throughout your day.

How? By choosing to focus on the positive things in your life, despite what is happening with your divorce. Do your kids make you laugh? Does watching your favorite TV show or reading a good book bring you joy? What about a favorite hobby you have long forgotten? Start paying attention to the little pleasures in life. Eat your favorite ice cream, play with your dog, take your kids to the park and swing on the swing. Anything you can do to life your spirits even a little bit will help lighten your mood and help you get through the dark times of your divorce.

My good friend, Alexandra Watson is a "Happiness Expert"who coaches celebrities, Olympic Athletes and business professionals, she’s a Mom and a best-selling author and she can help turn your life around.

She is the UK’s Leading Happiness Expert and each week she shares some of her highly successful information ranging from relationships to wealth, so if you would like a regular dose of practical and proven happiness tips go visit her Blog at:

http://happyhelp.politicsandthecity.com/

Because perhaps it’s YOUR turn to be happier and if you feel that, then now’s the time to discover her significant secrets!

What I Miss About Being Married...

I have been divorced for over 3 and 1/2 years and it has been 5 years since the separation. Up until recently I could not think of many things I missed about being married. I certainly did not miss my ex and many of his annoying habits-especially his snoring! I enjoy sleeping alone in my king size bed, being free to do whatever I want and not having answer to anyone. Single life is good. Yet recently I have found myself remembering some of the things about marriage that I do miss.

I miss having a partner there to help with the kids. It is tough having to be both mom and dad, 24/7 and not being able to have someone there to share the burden. I also miss having a husband there to share the financial responsibilities. When you are married and have two incomes coming into the household, it does make life easier.

And as independent as I profess to be, I think I am starting to miss having a life partner who is always there to share in the good times and bad, someone who is not only your spouse but your best friend. I used to think of my ex as my best friend early on in the marriage. It was a wonderful feeling when I felt I could trust him and that he was always going to be there for me.

Even though my ex eventually betrayed my trust, I hope I will someday be able to trust someone like that again. Maybe then I will be ready to give marriage another try. But for now I will remain single and enjoy every minute of it.

Why a "Rebound" Relationship Can Be Good for You...

You have most likely have heard the warnings about the "rebound" man or woman. This is the first person you have a relationship with after your divorce. The typical advice is to take it slow and not get too attached because rebound relationships often do not last.

That may be true and the advice to be careful so that you do not suffer a double blow-first a divorce and then a failed relationship-is sound. But there are benefits to having a rebound relationship after your divorce.

One benefit is the distraction the new relationship provides. You may be still reeling from your divorce and having many issues lingering. Your new relationship provides you with excitement, fun and the thrill of being in love again. These positive emotions can help keep your mind off of the divorce and bring back some joy in your life again.

Another benefit is a boost to your self esteem. If your ex was emotionally abusive or did not pay attention to you and put you down often, having a new lover who showers you with attention and compliments can do wonders for your self esteem. You start believing that you are an attractive again and someone who can be loved.

So go ahead and enjoy your new relationship after your divorce. But understand that you may not be emotionally ready for a serious, committed relationship so soon after your divorce. If you have not resolved the issues from your marriage and gone through the grieving process, you could be setting yourself up for another failed relationship. The key is to keep your new relationship light and fun and enjoy it for what it is worth. Be in the moment and take it one step at a time without expectations, while giving yourself the time you need to recover fully from your divorce.

3 Reasons Divorced People Hate the Holidays...

The holiday season has officially begun and many divorced people are feeling down. With the rest of the world spreading holiday cheer, you may

just want to curl up under your covers and not come out of your room until

January 2nd. Most people do not understand how difficult the holidays can be on someone who has gone through a divorce. Here are 3 reasons

divorce people hate the holidays:

1. Dealing with family. What can be worse than having to face your extended family at the dinner table and having to hear all of the happy family news, like which cousin is engaged, who is having a baby and so on. There you sit, alone, without your spouse, knowing everyone knows all about your divorce drama.

2. Putting up the decorations. As you decorate the Christmas tree, ornaments can be a reminder of Christmases spent with your spouse. Memories come rushing back. This can be a very sad time. Your hopes and dreams for the future with your spouse are gone and the decorations serve as a painful reminder of what has been lost.

3. Sharing the children. Not spending the holiday with your kids has to be the #1 reason divorcees hate the holidays. If it is your spouse's turn to take the kids and you are alone, it can be very difficult to get through the day.

I won't lie to you and tell you that your first or even second holiday season after your divorce will be easy. Eventually though you will find joy again in the holidays. It takes time, but one day you will find yourself looking forward to the holidays. In the meantime, do not feel guilty or try and pretend that you are okay. It is alright to mourn the loss of your marriage and the life you once knew. Cry if you feel like it and try and let go of some of those old bottled up emotions.

If there is anything you can do to cheer yourself up, then do it. Watching old holiday classic movies from your childhood is a great way to get into the holiday spirit. Take it slow and do the best you can. Any small steps you take to life your mood, even a little bit, will help you get through this holiday season.

Would You Marry for the Money?

I was flipping through the channels the other night and caught a few minutes of the show about the " Real Housewives of Orange County". This 30 year old blonde who looked like Barbie was getting a new 4 carat diamond ring from her 60 something year old boyfriend. She admitted that she was not attracted to him at first since he reminded her of Santa Claus or Kenny Rogers with his white hair and beard, but now is is deeply in love with him.

This man has been married 5 times and she will be his 6th wife. Maybe she does loves him but it sounded like she loved his money even more. I know there are people who do marry for the money but I wonder how can you be happy with someone if you are not attracted to them and do not love them?

Sure money makes life easier and it must be tempting to marry someone well off . But what price do you pay emotionally? I once knew a woman in her 50's who was divorced and met a man in his late 70's. He was wealthy and had no children or family. Believe it or not, after they married at the courthouse they drove straight to the lawyer's office and had his will changed, making her the sole beneficary of his estate.

Years later, he did die and she inherited all of his money. Although she married him for financial security, they did have a good relationship through the years, and she cared for him but was not in love with him. She got his money and he got a wife and the extended family he never had, including her grandchildren, so I guess it worked for both of them.

Have you ever considered marrying someone you did not love because they were rich? If you met a wealthy potential partner would you date him or her because they were rich, even if you were not attracted to them? Be honest!

My answer would be that I could not be intimate with someone I was not attracted to, no matter how much money he had. Ideally, it would be great to find the whole package: love and financial security. But I rather be married to a man who was not well off that I deeply loved than a rich one I was not attracted to.

Can You be Grateful This Year Despite Your Divorce?..

I know how hard it is when you are in the middle of a divorce to think of anything but. It seems like the divorce consumes your thoughts every waking moment. You can think of little else. But with Thanksgiving tomorrow, can you muster up some things to give thanks for? Even during the toughest of times there is always something to be grateful for.

Here is my list:

My four beautiful, healthy children

My two adorable dogs and two precious cats.

My loving mother and brother

My wonderful friends and business associates

My patient and caring boyfriend

Living in sunny Florida

My good health, my home, my car and other possessions

My divorce-Can't imagine still being married to my ex!

My ex- for the life lessons I learned during my divorce

The woman who broke up my marriage- Without her I would still be

married to the ex!

I could go on and on but you get the point. Make your own list and I promise you will feel better. Being grateful makes you focus on the good things in your life and what you focus on expands. Why not try thinking about what you are thankful for every day instead of just on Thanksgiving? By getting into the habit of appreciation, you will start attracting more good things to appreciate into your life. Happy Thanksgiving!

Is Your Divorce Attorney the Right Match for You?

There are so many factors to consider when hiring a divorce attorney.

His or her reputation and experience are certainly important. But have you considered if your divorce lawyer's personality and style is in line with yours? Do you share the same values?

A ruthless shark of an attorney may be perfect for someone hell bent on getting everything they feel they deserve in a divorce case but what if you want a peaceful divorce and want it to be over quickly?

You must be careful when screening potential divorce lawyers and make sure you both are on the same wave length. Make sure this is someone whose personality meshes with your own and you can actually get along with. Remember, you first instincts about a person are usually correct.

Do not make excuses for an attorney if something bothers you about them. Telling yourself "Well, he may be loud and aggressive, but I hear he is the best divorce attorney in town" will not help you if what you are really looking for is a caring, gentle attorney who believes in mediation.

Your divorce attorney can set the tone for your entire divorce. One who refuses to negotiate with the other side and is aggressive in court will prolong your divorce and may make settling your divorce in an amicable manner impossible. Keep this is mind when choosing your divorce attorney. It is better to choose the right attorney in the beginning then realizing you made a mistake and having to find new representation during the divorce.

Dealing with Your Ex During the Holidays

Thanksgiving is almost here and Christmas is around the corner. Have you figured who gets the kids for which holiday? Is it even a issue or have you and your ex hammered out an agreement in your divorce settlement setting the rules?

If you do not have plan for the holidays and now find yourself arguing over whose house the kids are going to, now is the time to take a step back and consider how your children are feeling.

You may want your kids with you, but your kids want to be with both of their parents for the holidays. Can you put your feelings aside and make that happen by splitting the day, maybe lunch with mom and dinner with dad?

Sometimes though that becomes impossible if is one parent lives a considerable distant away. My own ex-husband lives in another state, so my kids do not get to spend holidays with him anymore. They will see him for almost a week after Christmas. If you are in a similar situation, try to have your kids get to spend some quality time with their father during the holidays, even if it is not exactly on Christmas or Thanksgiving day.

The most important thing you can do for your children this holiday season is try not to bicker and fight with your ex. Keep calm and try and not to call him out on every annoying thing he does. Tell yourself that you will let things go for the holidays and then if you want you can go right back to arguing after the New Year, although it would be so much better for your kids if you could continue to try your best to get along with your ex all year round.

Why Do Divorced Men Prefer Younger Women?

It is the stereotypical scenario. A couple in their 40's, 50's or 60's gets

divorced and the husband takes up with a woman 20 or sometimes even 30 years younger. Meanwhile, the wife is faced with dating men 20 or more years older than herself because men typically prefer younger women after they divorce.

But why? Why can't a man appreciate a woman his own age? I think many men, after a divorce, think they have something to prove. To be able to date a younger woman makes them feel younger, more attractive and vital. They enjoy showing off their much younger date as some sort of trophy or prize. What they do not realize is that the woman they are dating may be only interested in them for the financial security they can provide. How many 25 year old women are really attracted to a 60 year old man who is old enough to be their grandfather?

Men should stop kidding themselves and face the truth. They do not need a younger woman to feel youthful. Relying on anyone outside yourself to feel attractive, young, or needed is a mistake. Instead these men need to rediscover the women in their own age group and appreciate them for their wisdom and maturity. Many middle aged men do not even fully understand what they are getting themselves into with a younger woman. She will probably want to start a family at some point and is at a completely different stage in her life. A more mature woman, finished with child bearing and raising, can provide companionship and will be more likely to share more common interests with a man her own age.

I see many women in their 50's and 60's struggling to find a good man after a divorce because men are dating younger women and it makes me sad. These women should not have to date a 70 or 80 year old. Let's hope that more divorced, middle aged men get the message that they should open their hearts and minds and date a woman not based on her age, but on what kind of person she really is and if she is a compatible match.

Child Support Nightmare: Wrong Man Sent to Jail

A Philadelphia man has been jailed four times, has lost his job and paid more than $12,000 in child support for a child that is not his. In fact, the man has never even met the child's mother. In a case of mistaken identity, this man has been living a nightmare trying to prove to the state that he is not the child's father.

It all started in 2001 when Walter Andre Sharpe received a certified letter that was a complaint for child support. But since the birth date and social security number did not match his and he did not know the mother, he assumed it was a mistake and ignored it. The court decided he was the father after he failed to appear in court. Since then he has asked and been denied a DNA test which would of cleared the matter up and proved he was not the child's father. A judge in 2007 finally ruled that he was not the father but refused to reimburse him for the money he has paid or give him any compensation.

I really hope this man sues the state of Pennsylvania and wins. It just amazes me how so many deadbeat parents do not pay child support and get away with it but an innocent man can be jailed and forced to support a child that is not his. Why didn't the court simply allow this man to prove paternity with a DNA test? This is not a case where he had a relationship with the mother and was raising the child, he had never met either of them. You would think that someone in the system would have at least investigated this man's claims. The child support system and family courts need to be more careful and pay closer attention to their cases.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Getting Through the Holidays when You Can't Stand your Spouse..

If you are in an unhappy marriage, you are most likely not looking forward to the holidays this year. Having to pretend that everything is fine in front of family and friends can be emotionally draining. You may want to ask for a divorce now but are waiting until the first of the year so that you do not upset the entire family and ruin the holidays.

This time of year, with all of the decorations and festive cheer can also grate on your nerves. Deep down you may know that this is your last holiday together as a family and want to make it special but at the same time you feel agitated with your spouse and can't wait until you are separated.

Divorce is difficult even if you are the one who wants it. If you and your spouse have decided that a divorce is imminent and you are waiting to tell your kids and family until after the holidays, you should come up with a plan. A good idea would be to declare a truce for the next 6 weeks and avoid confrontations and fighting. If your goal is to protect your family and have a nice holiday, it won't do much good if the two of you are at each other throats. You would be better off separating now and sparing your children a holiday filled with anger and resentment.

If you can be civil to one another for the holiday season it will also prove that the two of you are capable of being civil once the holidays are over and your divorce proceeding has begun. The best and least painful way to divorce is to try and work out the details of the divorce in a fair and amicable manner. Unfortunately many people are unable to do this and their divorce quickly escalates into a battle.

Take this time before your divorce to think about what kind of divorce you want and how you can make that happen. It will require compromise and thinking with your head instead of your emotions. It is possible to get through this holiday season even if you can't stand your spouse. You may even find that the extra time you have before filing for divorce can pave the way to an easier, more civil divorce and a better relationship with your soon to be ex.

Click here to find out the three things you must know before filing for a divorce...

Why You Should See a Shrink During Your Divorce...

Seeing a therapist, counselor or psychologist is a good idea when you are going through a divorce for obvious reasons. Your life has been turned upside down and talking to someone who is trained to help people experiencing feelings of anger, grief and sadness can help you get through this difficult time. There is another reason, however to seek professional help that many divorcing people overlook.

If you are engaged in a nasty divorce battle or have reason to believe your divorce is heading down that road, having an established relationship with a mental health professional is an asset. This person can testify for you in court and vouch for you. If your spouse starts hurling accusations in court that are untrue, like accusing you of being mentally unbalanced, an unfit mother, having anger issues, etc., there is no one more qualified than your therapist or psychologist to submit evidence to the contrary on your behalf.

It is also crucial to have your children in counseling. Again, it helps them tremendously deal with the pain of the divorce but it also protects you somewhat should you face a custody battle. A neutral health professional can act on the behalf of your children in court and be there mouth piece.

Seeking help during your divorce is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is something that you can do to help yourself and your children get through one of life's toughest times. Having someone there that you can trust to talk to every week is a comfort and relieves some of the pressure and anxiety the divorce has caused.

Is Your Ex Hiding Cash?

One of the most difficult problems a spouse can face during a nasty divorce battle is trying to prove that their spouse is hiding cash. This occurs frequently when the family owns a cash business, like a pizza place, auto body shop, hair salon, etc. It can be very hard to prove the actual income coming in from that business if your spouse has been the one the running the business during the marriage.

A woman I know is in a terrible situation right now. Throughout the marriage, her ex claimed about a third of what he was actually earning at his business in order to avoid paying taxes. She works and technically makes more than him on paper. In reality though, he is earning double her salary. So now she faces the possibility of paying her spouse alimony even though they both know he makes much more money than her.

Since she signed the tax returns each year she is in a very delicate situation. Should she insist her ex's business makes more than it does and has for many years, they both could be in deep trouble with the IRS. She faces the possibility of losing out on alimony that she would have been entitled to had the money been "on the books" and child support payments will most likely be calculated using the tax returns as her husband's income,while he lives the high life with all of the extra cash he has stored away.

The best thing for her to do and anyone else in this situation is to hire a forensic accountant. These accountants are expensive but well worth in this situation. They will go into the business and look at everything, giving the true value of the business. You must be careful not make claims in court that the business made more money in the past. A family court judge can call the IRS if he feels the law has be broken and that can open up a hornet's nest.

If you are currently in a marriage where you own a cash business, make sure you have your own copies of all receipts and business expenses. Keep a close eye on the business's revenue. Some people have signed tax returns having no idea that their spouse was hiding money and manipulating the books. Whether your marriage is solid or not, you have a right to know about your families finances and how much money is coming into the household.

Could You Go to Jail for Emotionally Damaging Your Child During a Divorce?....

A couple from Milan, Italy is facing up to five years in prison for emotionally damaging their son during their divorce. Prosecutors say that the couples' arguing and fighting in the presence of the child have caused him to become anxious and depressed. The describe the child as "disturbed".

If this applied to parents in the U.S., the jails would be filled. The sad part is most divorcing couples do not set out to intentionally harm their children. I believe most parents truly love their kids and try their best to shield their children during divorce, but often let their emotions get the best of them. They say and do things during a divorce without thinking, like bad mouthing the other parent or fighting in front of the child.

Sending parents to jail will only hurt the children further. Can you imagine this poor Italian boy, having already been through his parent's difficult divorce, now having to worry that both his parents will be taken away from him and thrown in jail? It it ridiculous. The Italian courts would better serve the child if they mandated that both parents and the child attend counseling sessions so that they can heal the wounds from the divorce and move on.

Do You Spend Your Kid's Child Support on Yourself?...

Many father's rights advocate groups will tell you that one of the main excuses a man gives for not paying child support is that he thinks his ex-wife will spend all of the money on herself and not the kids. Since the a custodial parent receiving child support does not have to report how she spends the money, many dads are left wondering if the money is really going to the kids.

I feel that this is a myth. I have yet to meet one women who uses her kid's child support for her own needs and neglects the financial needs of her children. I am not saying that there are not some women out there who spend the child support on designer handbags,. There may be, but I have yet to meet one. The single moms I know, myself included, not only spend all of the child support on their kids, they are left short each month and must pay for all of the "extras" that children require.

My child support payments cover food for my children and that is it. All other expenses, like housing, clothing, holidays, birthdays, school expenses, etc. are taken care of by me and it comes to a higher amount than the child support my kids receive. I am not complaining, because I am grateful that my ex-husband now makes regular payments each month when so many women are dealing with deadbeat dads who pay nothing or are continually late.

I don't see how a woman could use the child support payments for herself unless she neglected her children's needs. In that case, the non-custodial parent should file a motion in court for custody if he feels his children are being neglected. It is a very hard thing to prove, however, so make sure you have proof that your children are not being taken care of. Evidence of this would be children who are malnourished and unkempt. Don't assume your ex is using the child support for herself without actual evidence.

Divorce Parties, Divorce Cards and Now the Divorce Photo Album....

You may wonder what they will think of next. With divorce wedding ring coffins, divorce greeting cards and divorce parties gaining in popularity, thanks to an Italian Wedding Photographer, we have now the "Divorce Photo Album".

Photographer Gianni Fasolini offers photo sessions for the newly divorced couple to chronicle, in pictures, the end of their marriage. Sounds a bit odd to me that a couple, fresh from divorce court, would pose for photos together. Most couples cannot even stand to look at one another after a divorce. And would you really want a reminder of one of the saddest times of your life?

Maybe if you had a friendly divorce it would be okay, but even then it seems strange to pose for a photo album together after your split. Time will tell if this new divorce trend takes off.

A better, more practical service to offer to divorcing couples is to have copies made of all of the family photo albums and videos. This way each spouse gets their own copies. Especially important if a couple has children.

I have all of the photo albums and videos, my ex has still not asked me for copies. I did give him a bunch of photos of the kids after the divorce, but it would be nice to someday get around to making copies of all of the videos and pictures from over the years and give him his own set.

A business which offered to do that at a reasonable price would be a much better idea than one marketing divorce photo albums.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Bankruptcy and Child Support: Does it get your ex off the hook?

With more and more people in debt and the current economic conditions, we may see a rise in bankruptcy filings. You may be wondering if filing for bankruptcy relieves a parent of his or her obligation to pay child support. Thankfully, the answer is no. Even if your ex files for bankruptcy he or she still must pay child support.

It may even benefit you if you ex is behind on payments. I found this information on http://family-law.freeadvice.com:

"Under the post-October 17, 2005 rules, domestic support obligations are top priority in a Chapter 7 "asset case", where there are funds to pay creditors. The debtor should file a proof of claim to have most of his or her liquidated estate used to pay off the child support obligation. In a Chapter 13 case, your back child support payments will be paid through your Chapter 13 plan, in addition to the regular payments due after the petition date. These support obligations must be current in order to have your Chapter 13 plan confirmed. Moreover, to obtain a discharge in a Chapter 13 case, the debtor will have to certify that all post-petition child support obligations have been met"

If your ex is currently struggling to pay off credit card and other debts, he or she will have more money to pay child support after filing for bankruptcy. So there is no reason to panic if your ex files for bankruptcy.

When You Can't Afford to Get Divorced...

Due to the current economic conditions, many couples are finding themselves unable to get a divorce. With stagnate home sales, the stock market down and the rise in unemployment, getting a divorce now may

not be financially feasible.

But what if living with your spouse is making you miserable and living in the same house seems like torture? What do you do then? Here are some ways to co-habitat in the same home with a spouse you rather divorce.

First, sit down and make a plan. If their is no hope left for your marriage and no chance for a reconciliation, yet you must live under the same roof, it is crucial that you put your differences aside for a moment and come up with a way to live together civilly. This is especially important if there are children in the house. You cannot continue to fight. You will be scarring you children for life.

Staying in an unhappy marriage can feel like being in prison. But if you cannot afford to separate, you must change you mind set and try to get along with your spouse for the time being. Thinking of your spouse as a friend or a roommate can help. The two you must control your emotions and plan your schedules so that the two of you are basically leading separate lives in the same house. Plan who is responsible for the kids on set days and times. If you are still sharing a bedroom, one of you should move into a spare room or sleep on the couch.

If you view your arrangement as a temporary solution and both of you can control yourself and co-exist without lashing out at each other, you can buy yourself some time until one of you can afford to move out. If however, there is any physical or mental abuse in the marriage, you need to think about moving in with friends or relatives for the time being. If that is not an option and you have no place to go, yet feel like you may be in danger, contact your local woman's shelter for help. You can find agencies online in your town that offer assistance. Remember, no matter how bad your finances are, you should never stay in home with a potentially dangerous spouse.

Why You Must Protect Yourself During Your Divorce...

The tragic story in the news right now is about Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson and how her mother, father and nephew were all brutally killed.

The suspect in custody is her sister's estranged husband. Supposedly, this man had threatened to kill his wife's family recently, but no one thought he was serious.

Sadly, murder and violence occurs in divorce cases routinely. I have written many times about how you must protect yourself if you have any reason to believe your ex could be dangerous. If your ex threatens you or a member of your family, BELIEVE him. Do not shrug it off as the rantings of someone upset by an impending divorce. Your ex may not act out, but if there is even the slightly possibility of him making good on his threat, you need to take action.

Call the police and get a restraining order. Do not go anywhere alone and make sure someone is with you at all times. You can never be "too safe". If you feel your family could be in harm's way, make sure the restraining order includes your family members and they exercise the same caution.

With great sorrow and tragedy often comes life lessons that can help or save others. I hope what happened to Jennifer Hudson's family will startle and wake up anyone who is a victim of domestic abuse and feels threatened by their spouse. Just because this case is in the media spotlight, does not mean that it is a rare incident. Please protect yourself and your family from an abusive partner and consider any verbal threats as a real possibility.

"Must Love Dogs"...

If you are a pet owner and also looking to meet someone new after your divorce you know how important it is to date someone who will accept and love your pet. There is no sense in dating someone who is allergic to cats or dogs or who is not interested in pets, if pets are an important part of your life.

Since I have both cats and dogs and consider them all important members of my family, anyone I date must love both dogs and cats and be able to put with the way I spoil and baby them. My Maltese dog, Luigi, sleeps next to me every night, will only eat if I mix beech nut turkey baby food into his dog food and will bite a stranger's ankles if not properly introduced. He does has some "issues" and any boyfriend of mine would not only have to understand this, but be willing to love him as much as I do.

So how do you find the perfect dog or cat loving mate? There is a new website I discovered that matches you will potential partners based on the type of animal you love and the type of breed. At www.therightbreed.com you can find other compatible singles interested in dating someone with pets. Some other ways to meet animal lovers, would be to visit dog parks or join a dog or cat meetup.com group(many have groups based on breeds).

If "must love dogs...or cats" is on your list of musts for a future partner, avoid the heartache of having to choice between your "best friend" and a new partner and make sure to ask a potential date about how he or she feels about pets before going out on that first date. This way you do not waste your time getting to know someone and possibly falling in love with someone who does not share your love of animals.

Woman arrested for killing virtual husband...

A woman in Tokyo was so upset about her "divorce" from her online husband, she broke into his account and killed his digital character. If that wasn't strange enough, she was arrested for illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data.

A similar incident took place in August when a Delaware woman plotted a real life abduction of a boyfriend she met on the virtual reality site "Second Life".

Because we spend so much time on the computer and meet people on sites like my space, facebook and virtual gaming websites, we run the risk of confusing the real world with the online world. You can safely meet new friends and potential mates online, but you have to be extremely careful. You never know if you are communicating with a mentally unstable person.

I am sure both of the victims in the above examples had no idea they were playing a virtual reality game with someone who was not in their right mind. Thankfully no one was harmed in these incidents but it is important to protect yourself online and use caution.

Personally, I have met many wonderful people on the Internet and have developed new friendships and business acquaintances, so I don't think you need to be afraid of online relationships, but you should be careful.

The Perils of Dating After Divorce....

It can be scary to be single again after a divorce. It is tough putting yourself out there again and meeting new people. One benefit of marriage, unless your ex was cheating or violent, is knowing you are relatively safe from harm. We hear stories in the news about dates gone wrong, women losing their life savings to con artists and the increased risks of STDs.

One website is even offering a service now that will deliver an "e-card" to a partner informing them that you have an STD! How crazy is that? Can you imagine opening your email and reading "Just wanted to say Hi and by the way, I have an STD, get yourself checked out". Other websites offer background checks so that you can investigate your future dates and make sure they are not criminals.

So should you plan to do background checks and require a clean bill of health for all of your potential dates, post divorce? I think that may be taking it to the extreme. One thing we all have, and it is free, is our intuition. I believe our gut feelings always lead us in the right direction, even though we don't always listen.

Dating after divorce does not have to be frightening. Trust yourself to make the right judgment calls about new people you meet. Always listen to that little voice inside you, the one that warns you when something is not right. Focus on meeting safe, healthy people and you will. Remember, the very thing you fear the most is often what you attract. By being afraid to date and dwelling on what could go wrong, you can almost guarantee that will be your experience. Relax, have fun and enjoy this new chapter in your life.

Prayers Needed for "Pre-Divorce" Friends.....

After a divorce, friends are often divided into three categories. Friends that remain loyal to you and no longer associate with your ex, friends who remain loyal to your ex and no longer associate with you and the rare friends who do not take sides and remain friendly with you both.

I received some terrible news about a couple who I was once close to before my divorce. The husband was our best man at our wedding and also my ex-husband's childhood friend, so when we divorced I lost all contact with him and his wife. Their four year old son has been diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer and only a 25% chance of survival.

This couple is now facing every parent's worst nightmare and my heart goes out to them. I believe in the power of prayer and studies have shown that the more people who pray for someone, the quicker they recover.

So I am asking if you could say a prayer or think a postive thought for little Sergio. His story

was featured in a local newspaper today and you can read about him at:

Benefit Sunday for Edison boy, 4, with rare brain cancer mycentraljersey.com

Stories like this put everything into perspective. No matter how difficult your divorce is or how bad life seems at times, it can always be worse. Taking time out to be grateful for what we do have is so important. As long as you have your health and your loved ones are safe and healthy, you can get through any difficult times.