What Your Child Really Fears After the Divorce...

My soon to be 11 year old daughter mentioned to me the other day that she spoke with her dad's girlfriend's daughter, who is 12, on the phone. I thought that was nice. They have not yet met and I am glad to see my ex finally dating someone with kids. When I asked my daughter if the little girl had called her, she told me that her dad put her on the phone.

I could sense something was not right in the way my daughter was acting. At first, she kept insisting everything was fine, but upon further pressing, she confessed that she missed her dad and felt a little funny about her dad spending time with another family.

She also told me about the twin girls at her school. During an in school counseling session for children with divorced parents, they said that their dad likes his "new kids" better then them. They felt that their dad spent more time with his new family and gave more attention to his step kids.

I think this is what sparked my own daughter's fears- that her dad would remarry and forget about her. I reassured her that her dad loves her very much and no one could replace her.

She also said something I found very surprising when asked about how she would feel if her dad married his girlfriend. She said she would be upset because then it would be "over". Meaning there really would be no chance of mom and dad getting back together.

I honestly had never thought about that. Since my divorce was so bitter and there was never a chance for reconciliation, I assumed my children would understand that. But because my daughter was so young when we separated, I think she held on to the hope many kids with divorced parents have of seeing their parents get back together.

I share this with you because had I not initiated a conversation with my daughter I would have had no idea she was feeling this way. Children often bury their fears and it can be difficult to know when something is bothering them. If you or your ex is in a new relationship, it is a good idea to reassure your kids that even if one of you does remarry and have step children, they can never be replaced and nothing can change the way you love them.